Meanwhile, in other news...
"Sure I handed diVision another victory," the defiant councillor told the Chronic. "But think of the shockwaves that would have spread through Wanganui if I hadn't held fast to my unbroken record of shameless kowtowing to everything Michael wants! I wouldn't have wanted to be responsible for the heart attacks of many residents upon waking to the news I'd made an independent decision for the first time. And frankly, I'm appalled at the reckless disregard for public safety shown by my critics."
Pausing briefly to light another candle in the small shrine devoted to the Diva he maintains in his lounge, Cr Wills continued.
"Yes, I stood under a Ratepayers' Association banner in 2004. And yes, Ratepayers are explicitly opposed to a reduction in councillor numbers, citing the fact that less councillors equals less representation. But they simply don't understand," Cr Wills said. "If only they'd heard Michael explain it the way I have, in one of those private meetings where he bails me up in the stalls in the men's room. First off, what people have to realise is that we don't need as many councillors because the population is set to drastically decrease thanks to the fact that Michael has made it clear that anyone poor, unemployed, artistically inclined, pregnant (unless to him), or Maori isn't welcome here. I certainly don't know those sorts of people. And second, it's about efficiency. 'Less is more', as Michael said. Fewer people means greater efficiencies, which is why he's campaigning so strongly for less OBGYNs and less maternity facilities... oh, hang on... umm...
"Anyway," he added, quickly changing the subject, "it took me completely by surprise. Utterly. I had no prior warning at all, unless you count the detailed agenda I received days earlier, the email Michael sent last Friday and the discussion that occured prior to the decision. But they didn't contain any reminders of how Michael wanted me to vote, so when it came time to do so, I was completely at a loss. And anyway, I was distracted by the way the light reflected so beautifully off of Michael's hair."
Lighting a stick of incense and turning to bow three times before the altar, Cr Wills briefly recomposed himself. Appearing to read notes written on his shirt cuff, possibly in blood, he added emphatically "Even if I'd voted to have the issue resolved on Monday - when, purely coincidentally Micahel didn't have the numbers to get his own way - then it wouldn't have really been resolved at all."
This strained even the Chronic's incredulity (an attribute for which we're not exactly renowned) and, seeing the look on this reporter's face Cr Wills quickly explained. "Well, really, Council meetings are just window dressing. The real decisions are made behind the scenes, at those private diVision caucus meetings Michael holds. The ones I get the memos from aferwards," he added, a look of pride suffusing his normally dull appearance.
"Therefore, if something went wrong - say, Sue forgot to make the journey all the way from Wellington to raise her hand on cue - what happened at the meeting wouldn't be what had actually been agreed on. By the people who actually make the decisions. Well, by Michael actually, but I'm told Dotty and Marty and the rest get to decide whether they nod, go 'um hmm' or just beam vacantly. Dotty seems to have stuck with the latter," he surmised.
"So really, all I'd have done by voting - aside from my civic duty, of course - was to delay Michael getting his own way," Cr Wills explained, warming to the topic. "And we all know what that would have meant. I might have been called a useless... well... a... something not very nice," he concluded, blushing profusely. "And I don't want that. No siree boss".
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