A spray from the vomit geyser

anon misguidely comments: 122,000 listeners. That is pretty bloody good - no wonder the mayor gets the big bucks.

This refrain of Mickey's supposed radio potency is becoming as tired as... well, as tired as his predictable right wing rants to a dwindling audience. So let's take a closer look at this assertion, shall we?

Radio ratings are calculated by monitoring the audience for those stations who pay to have their names included. That means smaller niche stations such as Auckland's bFM get lumped under "other". And most importantly for our purposes it means listeners to National Radio are simply taken out of the equation altogether. However, according to NBR in 2005, National Radio had 517,400 listeners aged 15 years and over.

So, bear in mind that the share of the pie accredited to any station is the share of those who listen to commercial radio. In some markets, particularly Wellington, it's likely that National Radio's audience exceeds that of the top commercial talk station, as was explained by Russell Brown on Mediawatch. In the days when National Radio used to be included, it would often be number one in the Wellington market and one of the top-rating stations in most of the large city markets.

The ratings are also a little unfair to talk radio, in that it's unlikely a dedicated listener to say, Mai FM will be induced to switch to John Banks or Michael Laws or Leighton Smith.

So what we've done below is calculate a percentage based on the total audience for commercial talk radio (Newstalk ZB, Radio Live, Radio Pacific, Radio Sport) only in an attempt to fairly measure of how well the competing talk stations are doing amongst those pre-disposed to listen, and against one another rather than against the entire spectrum.

The numbers in brackets are the stations' position in the market (excluding of course National Radio), out of all stations surveyed.

AUCKLAND
Newstalk 195,600 (1st)
Radio Sport 56,700 (14th)
Radio Live 46,900 (16th)
Radio Pacific 30,700 (20th & last)
Total 329,900 of which Mickey's mob have 14% and Newstalk have 59%.

DUNEDIN
Newstalk 13,900 (6th)
Radio Sport 8,300 (8th)
Radio Live 5,500 (11th)
Radio Pacific 3,200 (14th & last)
Total 30,900 - Mickey 17%, Newstalk 45%.

WAIKATO
Newstalk 24,900 (6th)
Radio Sport 13,000 (10th)
Radio Pacific 6,000 (11th)
Radio Live 4,900 (12th & last)
Total 48,800 - Mickey 10%, Newstalk 51%

CHRISTCHURCH
Newstalk ZB 52,700 (5th)
Radio Sport 30,200 (9th)
Radio Live 22,600 (11th)
Radio Pacific 10,000 (14th)
Total 115,500 - Mickey 20%, Newstalk 46%

WELLINGTON
Newstalk 36,900 (3rd)
Radio Sport 18,400 (9th)
Pacific 7,600 (12th)
Radio Live 6,300 (14th & last)
Total 69,200 - Mickey 9%, Newstalk 53%

NORTHLAND
Newstalk 13,300 (4th)
Radio Sport 4,200 (9th)
Radio Live 4,100 (10th)
Radio Pacific 4,100 (11th & last)
Total 25,700 - Mickey 16%, Newstalk 52%

ROTORUA
Newstalk 4,200 (8th)
Radio Live 2,500 (10th)
Radio Pacific 2,400 (11th)
Radio Sport 2,100 (13th & last)
Total 11,200 - Mickey 22%, Newstalk 37%

HAWKES BAY
Newstalk 13,200 (5th)
Radio Sport 7,300 (11th)
Radio Live 5,300 (13th)
Pacific 4,000 (14th & last)
Total 29,800 - Mickey 18%, Newstalk 44%

TAURANGA
Newstalk ZB 17,500 (5th)
Radio Sport 8,200 (10th)
Radio Live 7,200 (11th)
Pacific 4,100 (13th & last)
Total 37,000 - Mickey 20%, Newstalk 47%

TARANAKI
Newstalk 11,600 (5th)
Radio Sport 4,600 (10th)
Pacific 3,600 (11th)
Radio Live 3,200 (12th & last)
Total 23,000 - Mickey 14%, Newstalk 50%

MANAWATU
Newstalk 9,900 (7th)
Radio Sport 7,000 (9th)
Radio Live 6,500 (11th)
Radio Pacific 4,300 (12th & last)
Total 27,700 - Mickey 23%, Newstalk 36%

NELSON
Newstalk 6,300 (6th)
Radio Sport 3,900 (7th)
Radio Live 2,400 (9th)
Radio Pacific 2,000 (10th)
Total 14,600 - Mickey 16%, Newstalk 43%

SOUTHLAND
Newstalk 7,000 (9th)
Radio Live 4,400 (11th)
Radio Pacific 3,500 (12th)
Radio Sport 3,200 (13th & last)
Total 18,100 - Mickey 24%, Newstalk 39%

NETWORK MORNING SHOWS (NATIONAL)
Newstalk ZB 285 200
Radio Sport 67 700
Radio Live 59 900
Radio Pacific 34 400
Total 447,200 - Mickey 8%, Newstalk 64%

Source: The October Research International Radios 2006 survey, the latest data available.

We're not quite where the various anons get their 122,000 figure from - we presume by adding together the above area figures for Radio Live to reach 121,400, then rounding up n(rather generously).

Well here's some other figures for you:

• Radio Live is either at the bottom of the market (of all station, not just talk) or saved from being bottom by the equally poor performance of its sister station Pacific, in six out of 13 markets.


• Radio Live's best position is 9th (Nelson). It sits at 10th in two other markets (Northland and Rotorua) and beneath that position in every other market.


• The picture in the big cities is even worse: 16th in Auckland compared to Newstalk's 1st; 14th and last in Wellington whilst Newstalk is 3rd; 14th in Christchurch compared to Newstalk's 5th; 11th in Dunedin compared to Newstalk's 6th place.


• Other Radioworks stations set up specifically to target TRN stations - The Breeze into Auckland to take on Coast and The Rock competitor to Hauraki - have performed much better, with the latter actually overtaking its rival.


• Only in Rotorua, Manawatu and Southland does Radio Live come close to having an audience half the size of Newstalk ZB.

Given that Radio Live's stated aim was to compete with Newstalk ZB, it's not performing at all well. And it's not just the quantitative reviews, either. You'd be hard-pressed to find a kind word for Mickey's performance or that of his Canadian employers. A random selection from a quick search:

"Michael Laws' talkback is so desperate to be provocative that is weirdly compelling." - Graham Read on Public Address.

"I find Mr Laws to be the worst of a rotten lot... I actually thought that talkback presenters were there to facilitate discussion. But nowdays, instead of Radio Live talkback, with Michael Laws, (which is what it once was), we have The Michael Laws Show, on Radio Live. IMO that is where it is going wrong." - mauggie, commenting at zillion.co.nz.

"I miss good intelligent debate... I miss people taking me on on some issue of the day... it's a sad day when I rely on Michael Laws and Steven Joyce on Radio Live for my intelligent conversation" - Megan, writing on Tim and Megan.

"I found Radio Live on the AM, but Michael Laws was saying nothing to me about my life." - Russell Brown on Hard News.

"...listening to Laws’ programme is like watching from space as the issues of the day circle majestically in orbit around the huge, gaseous planet of Laws’ ego" - Ryan Brown-Haysom on Critic.

"...some radio broadcasters (in particular Michael Laws) weren't satisfied with these solutions and instead put forward their own - solutions based on blatent falsities." - Mirage Media.

"...Yep, as always Mr Laws is spot on. :roll: We're so lucky to have such top quality media people in this place. :laugh:" - George M, commenting on the EmigrateNZ forum.

"The Mayor of Wanganui, Michael Laws, says it's because the late Tongan king was a despot and "a big brown slug" who ruled a corrupt country. Nice." - Jacqueline Maley and Alexa Moses in The Sydney Morning Herald.

"I didn't ring up and challenge Laws-unto-himself with the fact that he is a fear mongering f***wit who trades in race baiting because the power had come back on and thankfully I could do more important things like cleaning the dishes..." Martyn Bradbury on Tumeke.

"I really hope that this is just over the top redneck thought babble aimed at saving Radio Live from another abysmal ratings book – but the glee he seems to take in justifying the sterilization of ‘undesirables’ makes for truly offensive reading." - Bradbury again.

"Michael Laws was quite abusive to people who didn't agree with him." - Judy Standeven commenting at The Briefing Room.

"Michael Laws... can anyone say 'tired' and 'witless'" - Peter Cresswell on Not PC.

"I swear the Laws guy needs to just shut the **** up. I hated him the first time I ever saw him when he was on a Radio Live television ad. He's standing there with a black background and he's spouting opinion after opinion like a vomit geyser." - Jonas on the NZ Games forum.

"Devlin and Laws are well past their audio use by dates." - mediahax commenting at Tumeke.

"As Radio Live, the talkback stablemate of Radio Pacific, pulls out all the stops to drag up a viable audience for prospective advertisers, it seems to be pinning its hopes of success on stirring up redneck New Zealand." - feature article on GayNZ.com.

"There are countless media dickheads who make futile attempts at becoming prophets. Today it's the Wanganui Wanker a.k.a Michael Laws." - Don Murray, a racing astrologer (no, really) on Thoroughbred Net.

Bad reviews on everything from "Not PC" to "Gay NZ"? Does anyone like poor Mickey? And before some anon replies that 122,000 people do, let's not forget that that's the cumulative audience for the entire station (as are the other figures quoted above). What portion of the 121,400 (to be precise) Mickey gets, RadioWorks aren't saying.

RadioWorks' 70% owner, Canadian company CanWest, has hired investment bank Citigroup to consider the future of its Australasian assets and is seen as a likely seller this year. While Brent Impey valiantly struggles to portray his recklessly hurling buckets of money at a pet project that's going nowhere as being "in it for the long haul" we can't see the new owners being quite so bullish about propping up this deceased donkey.

We wonder whether CanWest have bothered asking Impey why, when New Zealand already had two conservative-oriented talk networks in the form of Newstalk ZB and Pacific slugging it out for a small audience, he didn't have the foresight to introduce something different, and instead populated Radio Live with more tired, predictable fogeys like Laws and Paul Henry, thus ensuring its demise. We might just be tempted to buy some shares so we have the right to inquire.

Fortunately for Mickey, he got Impey to sign his "big bucks" contract before the sale, so whoever takes out Canwest's trash will no doubt have to buy him out to be rid of him.

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