Insert nut pun here

You asked for it, Watchers, and here it is. The full unexpurgated text of the email exchange between a concerned parent and His Worship the Mayor Michael Laws. It's a shining example of one anonymous's assertion that "The mayor does not respond aggressively unless the provocation is similarly aggressive".

First, a little background for those unfamiliar with the story. Mickey the publicity-seeking columnist (whom anons will no doubt now be at pains to remind us is a completely different person to Michael Laws, dignified and kindly Mayor of Wanganui) lambasted Wadestown Primary School banning peanuts so as to reduce the risk of an allergic student going into anaphylactic shock and dying:

...it had not been possible - until now - to identify the epicentre, the ground zero of PC-dom in Wellington. Until last week. That's when Wadestown Primary School banned peanut butter sandwiches from its precincts because someone, somewhere, sometime might just have a nut allergy. And - omigod -die. For the same reason, they've also banned Nutella sandwiches, hazel nuts, cashew nuts, muesli bars and anything that has ever been near a nut product in a dairy, supermarket or mum's pantry. In other words: No nuts.

Now this may be simply due to the fact that there are already too many on their board of trustees and in the staff room. Probably... Yes, but what happens to those children who accept and venerate the nut as part of their culture? Say, vegetarians? Having enforced the ban, the Wadestown staff and trustees could not be seen to be backing down. On the other hand - and despite good medical evidence - vegetarians are people too.

And oppressed people - primarily due to not shaving their legs, eschewing deodorants and bathing in their own urine. But like the good teachers' college graduates that they are, Wadestown found a solution. They would isolate the nut-crunchers to a "safe" area of the school. The peanut purveyors would receive a form of supervised community care. Although the aim would still be to wean them from their insensitivity and immaturity.

Alarmed by this cavalier attitude to serious risk vs minor inconvenience (expect a Laws-sponsored amendment to the Bill of Rights enshrining every child's inalienable right to peanut butter sandwiches at all times), the parents of three boys with severe peanut and other nut allergies got in touch. They're Wanganui citizens as well as readers of the Sunday Star Times, and the school their children attend in Wanganui has adrenalin injection kits that must be used in case of reaction to the allergies, without which the boys, and any other students similarly afflicted, go into anaphylactic shock - and die.

Mr Laws, We were alarmed to read your column in the Sunday Times this week regarding peanut allergy. You clearly have no knowledge in this area at all. It has become not a matter of political correctness- but a way of keeping children alive.

We have three sons aged 9,7,5 who all have a life threatening peanut allergy. They are also allergic to treenuts - hazelnuts etc., any nut- most people who have severe peanut allergies have a total tree nut allergy as well. (Did you not know nutella is made from
peanuts?). They are so severe we carry epipens (adrenaline) with us at all times- as if we didn't and they were to have peanuts they would be OMIGOD DEAD.

They also have other severe food allergies as well - but anyone who knows anything about peanut allergies know that a peanut allergy is the most severe you can have as it can affect people by smell, airborne or touch with dire consequences. When our oldest son was 6 he was chased by some children with peanuts - because they wanted to see what would happen if he ate them. We do agree with you on one point- if he had been made to eat them it would be like crunching on a cyanide pill - and without medical intervention he would be OMIGOD DEAD.

Hence the school has tried to put a peanut ban on since then - 3 years ago - though lack of understanding (parents) this isn't always the case. This school is St Annes School. You may actually find that other schools through similar experiences have a ban placed on them as well. Our youngest (5) is very severe with multiple allergies and this term alone he has had 2 major anaphylactic attacks which have required adrenaline - the latter being so bad he needed two shots. It has very recently come to our attention that one class's parents do not adhere to the peanut ban and it is free for all peanuts and sandwiches - we cannot prove it but are now wondering if this is the cause of his major attacks. So much so that he was meant to be moved up next term - but are keeping him where he is until this can be rectified.

It is so frustrating have a child with life threatening allergies - with the attitude of "he'll be right" and not been able to pinpoint what the cause has been - as traces can set off a major reaction. We wanted to let you know that your lack of understanding on this subject is indeed a lot of frustration for the many families around NZ who experience this problem and little do you know but this is what puts our children's lives in danger everyday.

You may think we are neurotic parents - but we hope for your sake you never have to sit in an ambulance of in A & E and see your child completely swollen up and struggling for breath - because if it wasn't for medical intervention they would be OMIGOD DEAD.

This is the reality we live with every day- and will for ever as we have been told by specialists they will never grow out of this allergy as it is so severe. We have to constantly check what is in food labels and can be quite a headache - but not half as bad if you get it wrong!!!! Incidentally St Annes has 5 severe peanut allergy children at the school that require adrenaline - a lot closer to home than you thought huh! We hope this gives you something to think about and understand generally people don't take drastic measures unless required. In our opinion AVOIDANCE IS THE ONLY CURE.

Regards,

Jo and Matt Boult

Ooooo just smell that aggressive provocation dripping from every word, Watchers! Deeply hurt by such a wounding personal attack, His Worship responds:

Then don't send your kids to school then. Where they inconvenience all others because it's your kids with the problem. To impose your children's affliction upon others shows the immaturity and selfishness of people such as yourself.

Next you'll be wanting to ban their contact with peanut-eating sporting youngsters, Cub leaders & the like.

Michael Laws

We can only guess at the thoughts running through the minds of the recipients of this communication... but they do a pretty good job of explaining that - and the flaws in Mickey's "argument" - themselves in their reply:

Mr Laws, Thank you for replying to my email. My first thoughts on reading it were this must be a joke - someone who has children of their own could not possibly be so coldhearted and uncaring and not think "gee I don't know what I am talking about - I apologise for my uneducated writing".

You obviously never took the time to even read what I had to say. I am now downright angry. If you think that trying to do the best you can to keep your children safe and alive is selfish I seriously doubt your parenting skills. If you honestly feel that someone cannot withhold from having peanuts for 6 hours in the day - so that it would mean it would not put a fellow classmates life in serious danger - than you must really have an addiction to the stuff.

We are not in council now and we are not trying to play games with people - we are trying to keep a lot of children's lives safe. If you cannot comprehend the seriousness of this situation I cannot believe you could be taken seriously in anything. I would find it very hard to find any sympathy for you now if (god forbid) anything (say like a life threatening allergy) was to be imposed on your family.

I have forwarded my letter and your answer onto allergy awareness - as it is hardhearted people like you that make the work of such a worthwhile organisation in NZ so hard - no doubt you may hear back from them.

As for the sports games - I don't feel that is even worth commenting on - but hey take a look in the mirror and see who the real immature one is. By the way, if this problem did happen to be inflicted upon you - where would you want your children educated - or hang on a minute, you would be the front man lobbying for allergies as then you would realise it could happen to your little darlings after all.

I am also telling everyone and anyone about your reply - the disgust so far is immense - aren't you the mayor of Wanganui? I feel you have lost a lot of votes as I for one used to think you weren't such a bad guy - but now my opinion on that has totally changed.

Jo Boult

Poor Mickey. Emotionally shattered by being portrayed as "uncaring", "coldhearted" and even (gasp!) addicted to peanuts by someone "downright angry", he carefully composes one of those non aggressive replies for which - in some anonymous circles at least - he is renowned... and an all-time pot/kettle example if ever we saw one:

You're a fascist idiot.

Yes, Watchers, we give you His Worship the Mayor of Wanganui, Michael Laws. A man for whom care is a four letter word.

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Beam us up

In his latest Sunday Star column, Michael Laws has confirmed one thing beyond a doubt.

He's a Klingon.

Now to the best of our knowledge, no one amongst the Watchers has ever climbed into a lycra suit and attended a Star Trek convention. But there are a few Watchers who might be found in the science fiction aisle of the local video rental, and who thus know more about Klingon culture than is probably healthy for normally adjusted adults.

But that can be a positive advantage when scrutinising a Mayor who's far from normally adjusted, and thus certain Watchers have formulated the theory that Mickey may in fact eat the odd bowl of Gagh.

In fact it's as good an explanation as any for the bizarre philosophy with which he's been regaling readers of his Sunday Star Times columns of late. According to this guide to Klingon culture:

Klingons are pragmatists to the extreme. Good and Evil are not absolutes but means to an end... the strong grow at the expense of the weak... Other races in the universe have their own paths to follow... The third classification is Thar'vule similar to a paid or compensated worker, something of a scavenger or beggar...

Members of this third racial classification are viewed as either to stupid (to know it's place) or to cowardly (to fight for it). Since they may have some desirable skill or talent they would be tolerated (barely), as long as they were useful. They have not the place in the grand design of the universe...

And indeed it was those on benefits who were Mickey's target this past Sunday, along with taking another shot at parents who have the audacity to ask that their children be protected from the possibility of anaphylactic shock and perhaps death from exposure to foods to which they're allergic.

Despite the lack of empirical evidence that a problem exists. When did the last child at a New Zealand school die from an allergy to a peanut? Never.

...Mickey asks. And so, carefully crafting yet another nonsensical syllogism (hasn't happened, so never gonna happen) he dismisses parents who're concerned for their children as "petty fascists" no less.

No doubt busy saluting the Swastika as you read this are the parents of 13 year old Hamidur Rahman. The Melbourne student died in 2002 after he was dared to eat a spoonful of peanut butter at a school camp, despite his classmates knowing he was allergic. They had the temerity to question why their son was exposed to the potential danger in the first place, when the school knew he was allergic. But then the "right" of the other children to peanut butter sandwiches - as opposed to jam, honey, Marmite, Nutella, cheese or a hundred other choices - obviously outweighs the need to keep kids safe.

Unless they're Maori kids, that is. In that case, he's been subtly implying for weeks, they need to be separated from their parents at birth.

Born to no-hoper mums in often dysfunctional whanau, the kids' lives possess an abject inevitability. They're behavioural problems long before any school entertains them. They're also dumb. And nothing can properly insulate an individual against a lack of intelligence... Their genetic stock virtually guarantees failure... they are destined to shuffle from one misery to the next... Their kids are completely stuffed the moment that they are conceived.

Not so long ago, Mickey opined that he and his diVisionites had been born too late. Again, he's right. At the beginning of the last century, colonialists would simply have kidnapped the children of black families and shipped them off for a "better" life. And we all know how well that worked out for the Aboriginals.

Whew. Parents of allergic kids - weak, whinging petty fascists. Check. Maori parents - no-hopers, dysfunctional, disproportionately beneficiaries, highly likely to abuse their children and/or spouse. Check.

Two groups sweepingly dismissed and still several hundred words short of the required limit. Let's see, who's left? Ahhh... let's have a go at the disabled:

And those figures exclude the mentally handicapped. Sorry, I meant to write "disabled". No, even that illustrates my lack of political correctness. "Challenged" is the word. We must be sensitive about such things.

There are those parents who insist that no matter how disabled or dangerous their kid, the local school must provide. Even when it can't.

On the one hand, such advocacy is laudable. On the other, it is what it is. Petty fascism: the foisting of minority demands upon the majority. The contravention of liberty, so that the few might feel satisfied and safe.

Satisifed? Oh of course... they're only doing it to annoy the likes of Mickey. We bet those petty fascist parents of the disabled kids sit round cackling with glee about what an inconvenience those damn wheelchair ramps are to the "normal" kids. Or it could just be that parents who, unlike Michael Laws and the several mothers of his children, haven't been fortunate enough to be delivered of happy, healthy, intelligent children might want the best life they can for them, within reason.

Meanwhile, the great oppression continues. The oppression of the normal Kiwi.

Welcome to Mickey's world - a society with no room for those who are different, who need more help or assistance than most, who don't measure up to an arbitrary standard - set, of course, by him. And you, you lucky Wanganuites, get to be the first people to inhabit this utopia. You're welcome to it - beam us up.

We suggest readers who are equally appalled at this petty fascism (his, not that of the people he accuses with no sense of irony) let him know - after having first consulted our handy guide to Klingon cursing, of course.

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