Or all of the above?

Sit up straight, Watchers. Your assignment for today: Michael Laws' latest ramblings.

I remain utterly indifferent to all those news organisations who throw ululating mothers, wounded children and hyperkinetic commentators at me, insisting that I care.

Because everyone in the Middle East is nuts. It is as simple as that.

There will only ever be two long-term solutions. The first is ensuring all the current inhabitants no longer breed. The second is seed-spraying anti-psychotic drugs over their entire atmosphere. Nothing else has the remotest chance of working.

A. Ugly racism clumsily disguised as satire?

B. The work of someone who is well aware of his own non-sequiturs, but keeps producing sensationalist drivel as a pathetic cry for attention from someone who's realised their opinions count for nought to the majority of people?

C. Conclusive evidence that he's barking mad?

Discuss.

Comments on this post are now closed.

Wheel of Misfortune

As celebrity-weary TV1 viewers suffered yet another Sunday night prime-time romp through la-la land with Godzone’s paltry line-up of has-beens and wannabes, there was some consolation to be had in the rare absence from such a fame fest of Wanganui’s very own Michael Laws.

But then The Great New Zealand Spelling Bee requires contestants like Gary McCormack and Ian Wishart to make tits of themselves for good causes. Any cash they win goes to the charities of their choice. And as a LawsWatch commenter pointed out recently, Mickey Mayor seems happier lining up with Julie Christie and her stable of Touchdown "celebs" to feed from the taxpayer-funded trough on celebrity benefits like Out of the Question.

That show, quietly ushered off Prime’s schedule last week after failing to make a blip on the ratings, required Mickey to put aside his outrage about artists and other recipients of government largesse while he flew to Auckland to join his tired old mates Paul Holmes and Mike Hoskings in a TV benefit funded to the tune of $842,175 from the public purse.

Here at the Cave we got to wondering whether Mickey's pique at being left off the list of yet another "celebrity" show might lead to his organising a Wanganui version. After all, he used to lash various desperate-for-publicity celebs together to take part in debates, with the handy spin-off that it meant one MB Laws got to appear on TV.

Considering the element of competition involved, Mickey would of course ensure that proceedings were supervised by someone completely susceptible to his less-than-benign influence...

Deputy Dotty: “Good evening everyone. You’re watching The Great Wanganui Spelling Bee and I’m Deputy Dot, your quizmistress for tonight. First, a warning that we are boldly going where no show featuring Michael Laws has gone before. Yes folks, there is no "profanity delay" and no dump button so pack your kids off to bed now and give granny another gin.

Now, to introduce our contestants tonight. The Blue team, the Media Mugs, comprises ex-editor John Maslin (Mas) and ex-Spin Fairy Helen Lawrence (SF). Helen was a last-minute substitute for Mayoress Leo (aka The Amazon) who was suddenly unavailable due to not attending a regional council meeting.

The Red team, MayorMichael, comprises none other than MayorMichael (MM) himself and his loyal underling Nicky Higgie (NH). Nicks is another last minute substitute as MayorMichael’s first choice, Sue (The Pep) Pepperell is in Wellington and has been for quite some time. What's that Michael? Oh yes... but she isn't living there. Absolutely not. Her house there is just... property investment... And the first spelling challenge goes to the Media Mugs. Please spell DEMOCRACY.

MM: "Losers, tossers, fascist idiots."

DD: "Thank you MayorMichael. That’s not exactly the correct answer and it’s not exactly your turn, but I’m going to give you 30 points because you’re always right, even when you’re wrong. Now, this time it IS your team’s turn. Please spell REFERENDUM."

NH: (giggles, blushes, but takes a deep breath and really really tries). "Gosh, that’s a hard one … R-E-F-E-R-E-N-D-U-M-B."

MM: "Stupid woman. Born dumb and another typical product of mainstreaming. Get out now, get out of the council, get out of my way." (pushes NH to the floor and she lands with a resounding thud).

DD: "What a good guess, Nicky. I do like that creative touch with the B on the end. No wonder you’re MayorMichael’s No.1 Creative Councillor. I’m going to give MayorMichael 60 points for that answer." Now Media people, it’s your turn again. Please spell PSYCHOPATH."

MM: (glowers at the media team)

Mas: "Uhhhh... we're... not familiar... with that term". (Looks visibly relieved when Mickey stops glowering).

MM: "That's right, you're not."

SF: (madly pushes a buzzer, which makes no sound). "Ohhh! Ohh! I am!! I am!!"

MM: (pushes his buzzer. A faint humming is heard offstage, and Kevin Ross and David Warburton appear and drag the Spin Fairy off).

DD: (speaking over faint offstage thumping noises) "Well done, MayorMichael. You’ve done it again. It’s obvious why you’re the mayor and they’re not. I’m going to give you 90 points for knowing the other team didn't know the answer, even if it was the other team’s turn."

SF: (breaking away and briefly regaining her seat) "But that’s not fair!"

MM: "Whinger, whiner, useless c..." (his last word is fortunately drowned out by Nicky's buzzer)

NH: "Ooooo, I know! N-I-C-K-Y"

DD: "That's actually your nametag, Nicky, but well done for trying. Well, viewers we have our first winner. Thanks to our Mayor’s delightfully forthright and outspoken approach, the big winner tonight is the MayorMichael Inc Vision Election Chest charitable trust."

Comments on this post are now closed.

This one time, at the LGA conference...

One advantage of having LawsWatch HQ in a cave behind the water tower is we don't have to worry about the roof being torn off. But the lack of a door does make us somewhat prone to flooding... like the rest of Wanganui Watchers have been somewhat preoccupied of late. We hope you're all managing to recover from the effects of the weather which - we mention in passing - seems to cast doubt on all this talk of global warming. In this part of the world at least, we've had our fill of global wettening.

It's also the time of year when Council is traditionally quiet (aside from its unexpected Civil Defence duties), leaving Watchers with minimal material for new posts and more time for important duties such as firewood gathering and mulled wine making (hint: doing them in that order minimises unexpected conflagrations when the wood is lit).

There has, however, been one item of great significance which cannot pass without comment because, in more than a year of observing Council this is the first time we've been able to report this: Dotty has had an independent thought. Sort of. About her right to take junkets.

The annual Local Government bunfight in Wellington, to be precise, described by Mayor Mickey as "a waste of ratepayers' money" because "the entire programme consists of platitudinous speeches and bad cocktail parties".

Dotty, however, couldn't contain her excitement at being allowed to go:

Attending a Local Government Association conference is not everyone's 'cup of tea', but it is a way of learning about the wider issues facing territorial authorities and an opportunity to meet fellow councillors and central government officials/politicians. This week Cr Sue Westwood, chief executive Dr David Warburton and I attended the Wellington conference, listened to relevant guest speakers, learned how others performed and measured up and met old and new friends. I guess that is what conferences are generally about.

Yes Dotty, that and all the tea drinking you get to do.

Goodness... did we just agree with Michael Laws on something?

Meanwhile, a commenter expresses some confusion about the role of Kate Gilpin, asking whether we'd forgotten her appointment as "replacement Spin Fairy".

That's certainly the way it was heralded by Mickey after he'd plucked her from obscurity (err... shouldn't that be plucked her to obscurity? - Ed.) immediately after informing Spin Fairy Mk I Helen Lawrence that she was a superfluous appendage.

But even though Mickey seemed to have her sitting outside with her motor revving before Lawrence had left the room, she's not Mickey's plaything in the way that Spin Fairy Mk I was.

In fact the Council "restructuring" seems to have put an end to the position of media executive to the mayor that Mickey used to ensure Lawrence worked out of his office, answered to him and was even paid a salary top-up by him.

Instead, the new girl on the block is simply an underling in the communications department with Sue Dudman calling the shots.

This points to a CEO who saw the problems with the provisions of the legislation that requires him to appoint and instruct all staff. It also points to a CEO knee-in-the-knackers for Mickey's quest for world domination. And the fact that it went unnoticed and unquestioned by the Chron points to an editor who knew his place in Mickey's scheme of things.

And lastly - as the mulled wine seems to have reached drinkable temperature - since when have councillors felt it is appropriate to publicly critique submissions to council before they've been heard?

Well, almost never, unless the councillor in question happens to be Dotty, who gives submitters who've had the temerity to question diVision's plans to slash councillor numbers a good slagging. Perhaps she dictated that particular column over a good strong cup of tea at the LGS conference in one of Wellington's many tea houses. In a LawsWatch mug, of course.

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Beam us up

In his latest Sunday Star column, Michael Laws has confirmed one thing beyond a doubt.

He's a Klingon.

Now to the best of our knowledge, no one amongst the Watchers has ever climbed into a lycra suit and attended a Star Trek convention. But there are a few Watchers who might be found in the science fiction aisle of the local video rental, and who thus know more about Klingon culture than is probably healthy for normally adjusted adults.

But that can be a positive advantage when scrutinising a Mayor who's far from normally adjusted, and thus certain Watchers have formulated the theory that Mickey may in fact eat the odd bowl of Gagh.

In fact it's as good an explanation as any for the bizarre philosophy with which he's been regaling readers of his Sunday Star Times columns of late. According to this guide to Klingon culture:

Klingons are pragmatists to the extreme. Good and Evil are not absolutes but means to an end... the strong grow at the expense of the weak... Other races in the universe have their own paths to follow... The third classification is Thar'vule similar to a paid or compensated worker, something of a scavenger or beggar...

Members of this third racial classification are viewed as either to stupid (to know it's place) or to cowardly (to fight for it). Since they may have some desirable skill or talent they would be tolerated (barely), as long as they were useful. They have not the place in the grand design of the universe...

And indeed it was those on benefits who were Mickey's target this past Sunday, along with taking another shot at parents who have the audacity to ask that their children be protected from the possibility of anaphylactic shock and perhaps death from exposure to foods to which they're allergic.

Despite the lack of empirical evidence that a problem exists. When did the last child at a New Zealand school die from an allergy to a peanut? Never.

...Mickey asks. And so, carefully crafting yet another nonsensical syllogism (hasn't happened, so never gonna happen) he dismisses parents who're concerned for their children as "petty fascists" no less.

No doubt busy saluting the Swastika as you read this are the parents of 13 year old Hamidur Rahman. The Melbourne student died in 2002 after he was dared to eat a spoonful of peanut butter at a school camp, despite his classmates knowing he was allergic. They had the temerity to question why their son was exposed to the potential danger in the first place, when the school knew he was allergic. But then the "right" of the other children to peanut butter sandwiches - as opposed to jam, honey, Marmite, Nutella, cheese or a hundred other choices - obviously outweighs the need to keep kids safe.

Unless they're Maori kids, that is. In that case, he's been subtly implying for weeks, they need to be separated from their parents at birth.

Born to no-hoper mums in often dysfunctional whanau, the kids' lives possess an abject inevitability. They're behavioural problems long before any school entertains them. They're also dumb. And nothing can properly insulate an individual against a lack of intelligence... Their genetic stock virtually guarantees failure... they are destined to shuffle from one misery to the next... Their kids are completely stuffed the moment that they are conceived.

Not so long ago, Mickey opined that he and his diVisionites had been born too late. Again, he's right. At the beginning of the last century, colonialists would simply have kidnapped the children of black families and shipped them off for a "better" life. And we all know how well that worked out for the Aboriginals.

Whew. Parents of allergic kids - weak, whinging petty fascists. Check. Maori parents - no-hopers, dysfunctional, disproportionately beneficiaries, highly likely to abuse their children and/or spouse. Check.

Two groups sweepingly dismissed and still several hundred words short of the required limit. Let's see, who's left? Ahhh... let's have a go at the disabled:

And those figures exclude the mentally handicapped. Sorry, I meant to write "disabled". No, even that illustrates my lack of political correctness. "Challenged" is the word. We must be sensitive about such things.

There are those parents who insist that no matter how disabled or dangerous their kid, the local school must provide. Even when it can't.

On the one hand, such advocacy is laudable. On the other, it is what it is. Petty fascism: the foisting of minority demands upon the majority. The contravention of liberty, so that the few might feel satisfied and safe.

Satisifed? Oh of course... they're only doing it to annoy the likes of Mickey. We bet those petty fascist parents of the disabled kids sit round cackling with glee about what an inconvenience those damn wheelchair ramps are to the "normal" kids. Or it could just be that parents who, unlike Michael Laws and the several mothers of his children, haven't been fortunate enough to be delivered of happy, healthy, intelligent children might want the best life they can for them, within reason.

Meanwhile, the great oppression continues. The oppression of the normal Kiwi.

Welcome to Mickey's world - a society with no room for those who are different, who need more help or assistance than most, who don't measure up to an arbitrary standard - set, of course, by him. And you, you lucky Wanganuites, get to be the first people to inhabit this utopia. You're welcome to it - beam us up.

We suggest readers who are equally appalled at this petty fascism (his, not that of the people he accuses with no sense of irony) let him know - after having first consulted our handy guide to Klingon cursing, of course.

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The weakest link

Do not adjust your hearing aid.

Watchers expecting hear the celebratory popping of corks from the direction of the LawsWatch Cave at the news of Mr Maslin's sidelining from captaining the team at the Chron haven't suddenly gone deaf.

A commenter even suggests that his standing aside makes him the first "victim" of LawsWatch and asks "is that acceptable collateral damage?"

Equally, we could ask whether he's simply yet another victim of Michael Laws, since it's only a matter of a couple of weeks ago that Maslin canned the Mayor's self-indulgent ramblings after they stepped well outside the agreed bounds.

Perhaps the apoplectic Mayoral backlash led the APN coaches to call for a substitution, or perhaps it was too little too late. Only Mr Maslin and his bosses know which, if either, scenario is correct.

There is no doubt John Maslin had to go. He was widely perceived as hopelessly compromised by having kowtowed to Michael Laws far too often. His recent burst of independence came far too late for most readers, who may well refer to the Chron as "their" paper, as APN boss Andy Jarden claimed this morning, but who've grown to doubt its credibility - and not just on Council issues - under Maslin's editorship.

And when tortuosity like this makes it into the newspaper:

"And to quieten the doubters Ms Patrick took the horse by the tail and put it firmly in front of the cart when she said this was the best practice model... but now the audience had a toe in the water and the tide turned..."

...then the Editor's hand isn't on the tiller when the ship navigates the dangerous shoals of journalism, running aground on the reef of cliché. So to speak.

Not to mention letting go entirely unchallenged statements such as "this is the best practice model" when referring to events which caused an entire trust board to resign, have seen a gallery curatorial position disestablished and have put the local arts establishment into an uproar. Whose idea of best practice? What studies or experts support this assertion? What other examples can Ms Patrick offer of an arts facility being "restructured" in this way and emerging from the process better than it was before?

A good newspaper doesn't just regurgitate the words uttered by others, marinated in cliché and boxed by Sudoku, lost animal pics and advertisements. It investigates. It questions. It takes nothing at face value - especially not statements from politicians and public servants.

Editing a newspaper - particularly a provincial daily - is a thankless task. Get it right and at best, no one complains. Get it wrong and everyone does. Unlike the editor of the NZ Herald - and quick, without looking it up, how many can even tell us who that is? - a provincial newspaper editor is recognisable and accessible to his or her readers.

Inevitably, that leads to lobbying from every lunatic with an agenda, who then invents a conspiracy to explain why their tinfoil hat theory has been "suppressed". A Watcher who's held a similar position to Mr Maslin recalls one particularly disgruntled reader endeavouring to climb through his first floor office window, presumably to lodge a complaint.

But when a lunatic with an agenda happens to become the town's First Citizen, the editor's job becomes a difficult and doubly thankless task. Mr Maslin didn't acquit himself well when facing up to the noisily public and more insidious private pressure exerted by Michael Laws - but then, to be fair, not a lot of people have in the past, either.

What the Chronicle now needs - what Wanganui now needs - is for APN to find themselves a senior journalist with not only the experience but also the strength of character that's needed to manage a newspaper in a town where Michael Laws's divisiveness means that not only does he apply unconscionable pressure to the editor, but his opponents are driven to respond in kind. Such journalists are out there, but they're in senior roles and APN aren't exactly renowned for the level of salary they're prepared to offer. And while Maslin may have been the weakest link, but the rest of the chain - a proprietor interested more in money than in quality journalism and an inexperienced, uncritical writing staff - isn't too strong either.

However, as Mr Jarden proudly notes, the Chron is New Zealand's oldest newspaper. The grand old dame surely deserves better treatment from her owners.

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Where are the crackpots when you need them?

Almost a year ago to the day LawsWatch reported that Mickey had grabbed $50,000 to inaugurate a private Vigilante Corps who were going to patrol Wanganui's streets, "liasing directly with the police watch house" (and we've since asked several times just where they are).

Sadly, as the floods in New Orleans late last year demonstrated beyond a doubt, there are some people for whom flooding - indeed, any large scale tragedy - is merely an opportunity to wreak more havoc on an already stressed community: anything from looting and carjacking to shooting at rescue helicopters.

So following the deluge of the past few days much closer to home, it seems in hindsight inevitable that Wanganui would spawn some lowlife who'd take advantage of the situation for their own unsavoury ends. In this case, burning down the homes of sleeping residents and narrowly avoiding (by sheer good luck) the murder of young children and elderly people.

With emergency services staff stretched to the limit, if ever there was a time when The Michael Laws Dismounted Vigilantes might have had a useful role to play, this was it. So we ask yet again - where are they, a year down the track? And who's got their hands on the $50,000 - coincidentally the exact amount that the desperate residents of Mangamahu reckon would be enough to fix their road.

Incidentally, if anyone reading has any information on the arsons they should call Wanganui police on 349 0600.

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Is there an echo in Dotty's head?

In the unlikely event anyone out there might have thought, even for one moment, that Deputy Dotty isn't capable of an original thought beyond advising readers of the throwaway press on how to make the most of the current weather, here’s incontrovertible proof.

The blue quotes from Deputy Duh! are from the glossy diVision junk report that has just landed in long-suffering ratepayers’ letter boxes. The red quotes that follow are from a wee gem of a news release by Mayor Mickey with the catchy title "Mayor welcomes decision on riverfront walkway - 14/06/06".
Spot the difference, or spot the puppet strings that open and shut Dotty’s jaw:

Enhancing the riverfront walkway is great news for Wanganui and a real shot in the arm for this city’s recreation and tourism facilities, says Deputy Mayor Dot McKinnon.

Mayor Michael Laws today hailed last night's Finance and Administration Committee decision on the riverfront walkway as great news for Wanganui and a real shot in the arm for this city's recreation and tourism facilities.

"For generations Wanganui has turned its back on our river," Cr McKinnon said.

"For generations Wanganui has turned its back on our river," Mayor Laws said.

"This decision marks a defining point in the city’s development. It embraces our river as a dynamic part of our everyday existence, provides a superior recreational area for our citizens, and links brilliantly with both the existing facilities of the Waimarie and the marina on the other side of the Town Bridge."

"This decision marks a defining point in the city's development. It embraces our river as a dynamic part of our everyday existence, provides a superior recreational area for our citizens, and links brilliantly with both the existing facilities of the Waimarie and the marina on the other side of the Town Bridge."

Cr McKinnon also wants to acknowledge the generous support for this project from Wanganui Gas who have offered to provide gas flares to light up the area at night.

"I also want to acknowledge the generous support for this project from Wanganui Gas who have offered to provide gas flares which will light up the area at night."

Is this why the job of replacing the Spin Fairy wasn't advertised? Perhaps they've just seconded someone from the Council's rubbish recycling operation instead.

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Did you hear the one about the dead babies?

Our thanks to an alert Watcher who pointed out this transcript (or a link to video of the original incident) on Damien Christie's section of the Public Address blog, in which Wanganui's Civic Leader makes a joke on Out of the Question about the tragic deaths of the Kahui twins.

Christie sarcastically suggests, somewhat unkindly, that possessing such sentiments makes Laws "an ideal candidate, not only as Mayor of Wanganui, but as a human being". Unkind to Wanganui, that is, as we're sure the majority of residents find nothing funny in the deaths of children. But that's what you get when you elect a self-promoting narcissist as Mayor - tarred with the same brush.

As Christie also notes, such callous flippancy is at odds with the "tough love" approach taken in his Sunday Star Times column on the topic. But then Mickey has no real principles - he simply writes or says whatever he thinks will play best to the audience he's addressing at the time.

Comments on this post are now closed. Do feel free to address your further comments to Ms Spears' attorneys, though :-D

What does Rangitikei know that Wanganui doesn't?

Plans to reduce councillor numbers and merge wards to allow Bob "The Basher" Buchanan to exercise a Mickey-like command of neighbouring Rangitikei have met with resounding opposition from local residents, who all seem to have woken up to the fact that not only will it reduce the level of representation they receive, but that it won't in fact save them so much as a single cent.

But aside from a querellous column from Randhir Dhaya and a few mutterings from Don McGregor, it seems Wanganui's councillors are getting their rubber stamps ready to once again endorse a Mayoral brainwave, allowing themselves to be bullied against acting according to their own conscience (which is, after all, what they were elected to exercise) by raucous insistence that this is "the will of the people" - overlooking the fact that said people were hoodwinked by being led to believe they were voting to cut expenditure.

Perhaps our elected representatives might care to ponder Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC) who wrote in Politics that:

If liberty and equality, as is thought by some are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in the government to the utmost.

In other words, the more people who participate in government, the better it is likely to be. But then that's just Aristotle... we have the word of Michael Laws, self-styled star of "good TV".

Meanwhile commenters debating the role of Councils in health might find a useful perspective presented in Core Business in Local Authorities: Three case studies by Graham B Sewell. That study concludes that while Council are charged with public health - sewerage, water and the like - their role in provision of medical-type health is usually limited purely to advocacy. Unless they take a decision to invest in establishing or improving local health facilities.

It's rare that they do so, but the relatively tiny Hurunui District Council evidently decided to do exactly that:

Paddy Clifford (General Manager) advised, "... we take up advocacy on all sorts of things, not least of which was our CHE’s thinking of pulling out of the medical facility in Cheviot. We got really involved in that and coincidently perhaps the government at the time (about 15 months ago) introduced a community funding scheme so that some urban health demands could be transferred to community trusts or in this case Council on suspensory loan."

The HDC Strategic Plan, under the heading 'Community Health', included the goal, "To encourage the provision of health services to meet the needs of District residents." The desired outcome was "Adequate provision of health services in the District."

The HDC and the local authorities which preceded the 1989 amalgamation have been involved with the provision of local community medical centres and attracting doctors to practice in them. Mayor Chaffey noted that in his recollection no one had ever raised the issue of whether the Council should be involved in this way with health services to the community.

Mayor Chaffey advised, "Local government here has been involved with the provision of health services since the 1930’s. It is nothing unusual to this district. It might be unusual for New Zealand but not to us. It is done for the same reason now as it was back then, because of the scarcity of rural doctors and the difficulties of retaining them."

In other words, Hurunui saw a problem and took action to address it. They didn't just write a column and pass onto to the next issue du jour. So, we'll ask here what we've already asked in comments, without receiving a coherent response from the Mayor or his supporters: Does the latest headline-grabbing statement on Wanganui's struggling health services signal Michael Laws' intention to stop squandering on swimming pools and begin investing in health? Or was it merely hollow grandstanding?

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An idea born of desperation

Fresh from failing to turn up to berate other Councils for not following his lead and turning everything over to populist volkpolitik, Mickey decides to regain some precious column centimetres in the Chron by talking about something which isn't the province of Councils at all. Still, no one ever fell afoul of the voters by calling for more doctors, nurses, firemen or policemen.

But while in other countries the provision of some level of health infrastructure is the business of local councils, here in New Zealand it's none of Mickey's business at all. But that's never stopped him before, Watchers, and certainly won't stop him now.

While we're all for more midwives we can't help wondering just what on earth Nicki Higgie's Community Development Committee will do with their Mayoral mandate to tackle the problem.

Of course there's nothing to prevent a local Council from setting a precedent and contributing towards local healthcare. Except that Wanganui's Council is simultaneously cash-strapped and spendthrift.

But then we figured it out, Watchers. Yes, it's a brilliant plan, even by Michael Laws' standards. Clearly Nicki's job is to organise the new signage.

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Conspiracy theory

Once upon a time in an editor's office not too far away, the phone rang.

Powerful Voice From On High: What the hell are you doing, Maslin?!

Quavering Editor (quickly putting away his Bumper Book of Sudoku and pretending to edit the newspaper): Who Sir? Me Sir? Errr... I was just... you know... doing editing... stuff.

PVFOH: That'd be a first. No, I'm talking about Mickey's latest column!

QE: Ohhh... ummm... that. But he just does the usual thing; Bangs on about all his critics being whingers whiners wallies and so forth, and rips into former councillors and staff members. Apart from that cunning intro announcing his new-found common cause with old Chas won't fool anyone, it's no different to the all the other columns he's ever written, Sir.

PVFOH: Well can it. Immediately.

QE: But Sir, I thought our plan was to get Mickey re-elected? Remember, it was on your meeting agenda right between discussing how to raise the price of petrol even further and how to get your hands on TVNZ now Ralston has completely knackered it as planned.

PVFOH: That's just the point, Maslin! By giving Mickey an outlet for his inane ramblings and abusive vitriol, you're helping demonstrate just how much of a one-note fruit loop he is! How many times must we explain it?! The plan is to get your minions to write flattering stories about him, quoting selectively from press releases only those sentences which make a modicum of sense and which don't totally contradict something he said the day before. It's one thing if he puts it on that damned website nobody visits, but when it gets in the Chron it frightens the natives, understand?

QE: Yes Sir, sorry Sir.

PVFOH: Look, we've got our work cut out making sure Winston stays out of the country opening craft shows in Bora Bora and whatnot without having to worry whether Mickey's stuff is getting out there before someone else reads and edits it. At this rate the town will be sobbing into their hankies in sympathy with that ex-council staffer he's been busy slagging off. I mean for heaven's sake, when the woman signed on with Mickey what did she think she was in for?! A supportive working environment, being treated with respect and being spoken to, and about, in a reasonable manner?! This is Mickey, for chrissakes!

QE: Errrr... righto Sir I'll get straight onto it.

PVFOH: No more bloody columns, right? And have a word to that Bryan woman, will you? Has she forgotten the agenda?

QE: You mean the Hidden Agenda, Sir? The one where you get complete idiots put in charge of important assets and let them run them into the ground, then step in and take them over for next-to-nothing? Thank goodness that doesn't apply to the Chronicle!

PVFOH (sighs): Yes, Maslin, that one. The one we've been through several times already. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a job editing the Coromandel Semi-Weekly Depending On If We Can Be Bothered? It's a great little paper, and the weather's much better...

QE: Oh no Sir, I have an important job to do here.

PVFOH (sighing even more deeply): Thank goodness we still have the River City Press. Now there's a newspaper which knows how to stick to the agenda.

*click*

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Let us eat cake

According to some superstitions, if you burn a white candle in the shape of a particular person, you will engender "peace & tranquility, fidelity, honesty" in them. So we've been whittling away at a large white candle, creating an effigy of Mickey to place atop LawsWatch's first birthday cake.

Yes Watchers, today is the anniversary of the first-ever post to LawsWatch - 1 July 2005 - when we quoted from the Human Rights Commission's little book on freedom of speech. The same little book waved about by one Michael Laws as his defence at the Code of Conduct hearings.

Already, signs of what was to come were evident, with hyperbole from both sides of the debate apparent in the reaction to our appearance on the scene:

The presence of a micro-nazi like Laws in any elected position is anathema to democracy. Lying to Parliament is Treason and should be prosecuted accordingly. By this measure Laws already deserves the death penaly, or life imprisonment, or perhaps a pat on the back and a celebrity career.

...and...

Go away all you commie drongos. What a nasty pack of smearing, lying, dishonest pack of losers you are. Disgusted.

It only took a couple of weeks for the Chron to notice, and the blog shot to prominence with a ringing endorsement from none other than Michael B Laws, Mayor of Wanganui, on 14 July 2005, under the banner headline "Mugged Mayor says he loves the humour":

Mayor Michael Laws (labeled the "Diva of the Ditch" by the creators of lawswatch.blogspot.com and the merchandise) thinks the Laws Watch range is hilarious. The blog is selling t-shirts, hats, tote bags, coffee cups, calendars, postcards and boxer shorts emblazoned with the words Laws Watch, along with the mayor’s face, at www.cafepress.com/lawswatch...

"I love it and I think it is fantastic," Mr Laws said. "It has a sense of humour which has been missing from the COC (Concerned Ordinary Citizens) people forever. Both me and my secretary will definitely be getting a couple of mugs..."

"I think it’s hilarious and funny. It’s the kind of thing which has been missing for art activists in Wanganui. So I’ll definitely get a mug and I need another running T-shirt and one of those ones would be great," Mr Laws said.

Of course, like so many public statements uttered by Mickey, that was entirely false. While several hundred dollars worth of merchandise has sold, none of it has been charged to credit cards bearing the name of Laws or his secretary.

Alas it took less than six months for the love to fade and for Mayor Hyde to be replaced by Mayor Jekyll (to steal an analogy from a recent commenter), with a clearly tetchy Laws launching a vitriolic personal attack on those he thought were responsible for the blog. The blistering effectiveness of this attack in exposing nothing other than the fact that Mayor Hyde is simply a role played occasionally by the "real" mayor - Mayor Jekyll - is evident in the fact that another six months have elapsed and LawsWatch is still here.

Watchers may wish to celebrate by purchasing a pair of underpants adorned with the Diva's physiognomy, available along with a variety of caps, bags, buttons, sticker and even a doggy t-shirt, at the LawsWatch store. We'll be clustered round a bonfire of remaindered copies of "The Demon Profession" and "Dancing with Beelzebub", having a wee dram or two.

To mark this auspicious occasion we present a "Best of LawsWatch Art" retrospective. Thanks for making it this far with us.

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