Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Diva?

We reported some time ago on the proposed formation of Wanganui-on-Sea's very own Dad's Army, that elite (shome mishtake shurely? - Ed) corps of vigilantes volunteers who were going to patrol the streets of this sleepy hamlet at night, making sure we were all safe in our beds.

So where's Dad's Army when you need it? The Watchers are so concerned about helping keep our city safe in the vacuum created by yet another undelivered promise that a couple of dedicated Watchers armed with wallets and handbags took to the mean streets last Saturday for a patrol of their own.

At about 9pm crowds spilled out of a downtown restaurant crying out in pigeon French, laughing raucously and bursting into songs like "Kiss Me Goodnight, Sarjeant Major Sell-Off", "There'll be Auditors All Over the Port Hand-over" and other revolutionary, violence-inciting anthems.

Apparently they had been at one of a series of subversive undercover meetings of the Wanganui branch of the National Front. Our Watchers report there were even nazi uniforms present. Disguised as dinner-theatre attendees, these rabble-rousers fuel their dangerous madness with lashings of red wine, onion soup, and Second World War sing-alongs. Most worrying is that they seem to come from all age-groups and all walks of life. Sadly this cult already seems to have infected such a large proportion of the population while we wait for Dad's Army to come to the rescue and stamp them out.

Not much more than an hour and a half later, on the very same Saturday, undercover Watchers enjoying post-prandial ports at the downtown restaurants trembled with fear as the streets again filled with mad, dangerous rabble in what appeared to be the uniforms of a new Wanganui gang. Looking for all theworld like a gang of football hooligans without the football, this dangerous mob crammed the streets around the Royal Wanganui Opera House where they also had apparently had unashamedly been singing roisterous battle hymns like "Land of Grope and (Fairy) Story" and "Rule, the Diva".

Waving flags and wearing party hats, uniforms and badges, they struck fear into the hearts of Watchers posted across town at the Rutland Arms as they flooded in and took over the bar. Our terrified Watchers were forced out into the mean streets. Standing cowed behind the Watt Fountain they trembled as two MGs driven by the Classic Cars sect and wearing World War One flying ace helmets navigated the roundabout at 20 miles per hour.

Our Watchers were becoming convinced the real threat to Wanganui law'n'order lay not with the long-feared Yoof Gang but with disaffected, alienated Middle Class Middle Aged coalition, our Watchers spied the real threat to civil order. Heavily disguised and sitting in the gutter were Loathsome Loader and Mad Morgs, the key agitators of the underground Wangas Youth Collective (Dicked-by the-Diva Division), aka WYC'DDD, plotting their next aerosol art progject.

So, Sam and Mickey, bring on Dad's Army. Wanganui needs them. When and where is the fundraising happening? Or is Dad's Army going the way of Morgs's Mob - just another flash toy already thrown aside while the Diva moves onto the next big thing?

Meanwhile, the $50,000 looks like it's just seed money. The rest of the dosh will come, apparently, from sponsors. "There is also the obvious ability to raise additional funds from other sources and from sponsorship. And indications are there are no shortage of responsible,community-minded citizens who want to contribute to keeping Wanganui people safe", the Diva says.

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