Shaken, not stirred
Arts terrorism today struck the sleepy hamlet of Wanga-vague-as.
Townsfolk awoke to find pamphlets had been strewn on the Diva's front lawn. In a move calculated to strike fear into the heart of peace-loving people everywhere, pieces of crudely printed paper were carelessly dumped around the St Johns Hill pied-a-terre with absolutely no thought to the danger.
"If it had rained overnight, we could have had a mulch situation," said the head of Wanga-vague-asses quickly formed crack anti-terrorism unit, Bill Scroggins. "But luckily I was here with my Council broom and wheelie bin before anything too serious happened. What? A policeman? No I'm not a bloody policeman you twerp, they're busy downtown cordoning off the streets in case any more office equipment becomes airborne." And, donning his bright orange protective clothing, Mr Scroggins bravely wheeled his bin toward the mess.
"That's the kind of loyalty that deserves reward," a clearly distressed and sensitive Diva said, between mouthfuls of the raw meat he usually consumes for breakfast. "I may order R.. err I mean the new CEO whose name I can't disclose to take him off the staff retrenchment list". Obviously shaken, the Diva momentarily stopped recreationally poking his caged wolverine to raise a delicate finger skywards. For a moment LawsWatch thought it was the Diva's familiar farewell. "I could have got a paper cut," he said, clearly unable to contemplate the implications of having his favourite gesture marred by an ugly band-aid.
Vowing to bravely continue the fight against "anyone who looks, you know, kind of aesthetic", the obviously distraught civic leader backed his mayoral grunt-car over a couple of onlookers. Crying "get back to Raetihi, you genetic deficients!", the delicate and sensitive mayor burned rubber as he headed to a top secret, invitation-only meeting on open and accountable governance.
Meanwhile, LawsWatch has been able to obtain an exclusive interview with the group responsible. "We're the popular front for the... ahhh... the... errr...," said a man whom we'll call "Terry" because that's what his friends kept calling him, to which he'd reply "Shut up man! What did we say about names?!".
"The uhhh... liberation fighters for...," "Terry" continued, adding "look, can we just leave it till I've had another cone, man? I'm like all inspired out for the day after that lawn thing, you know?"
Asked for the group's motivation, Terry focused on this reporter (well, he gave it a good try) and his anger was clearly evident. "What is it with this 'motivation' c**p man?" he asked. "Like, our lecturers and stuff at U... I mean the secret terrorist training camp... are always telling us we need motivation. Well let me tell you, man, motivation isn't easy," he said, rolling another curious cigarette. "Only the other day the fascist forces of totalitarianism made me fill in a form just to get my student grant continued."
Asked about the location of the terrorists' secret training camp, Terry took a long drag and claimed never to be able to find his way there, before greedily consuming three Moro bars and falling asleep.
LawsWatch has been unable to confirm earlier stories that the terrorist's first target was what they thought to be a garden gnome on the Diva's lawn, only to have to return it later when they realised they'd kidnapped Nygllhuw Morris.
Comments on this post are now closed.
67 comments:
Thank you Laws Watch, this is extremely funny, more stuff like this please, to brighten up the day of 'both sides!'
Meanwhile, in a cave up the river...
Arts Terrorist A: Top show, Maurice.
AT B: Everything's one, man.
AT C: You guys need to study more Lacan. Pamphets are so modern. Don't you realise we've moved on since then?
AT A: What should we do then, tovarich?
AT C: Bluetooth text virus, you geek!
So ... the false rumours about the fax machine came from you then Carol. Like you've got nothing to do with this blog (see Chronicle denial)
There was a committee meeting 2day @ council. She cannot be both attending this blog and recording every word of her uber-mentor Sue Westwood at the same time. Physics. Can't be in 2 places at the same time, Scotty.
This is a website poll - would anyone cheat? Earlier thread.
Yes. Whoever the dork is supporting John Martin because he went from nowhere to first very quickly. Jodie and Carla are the obvious by-elections candidates (run them as a ticket).
the false rumours about the fax machine came from you
Leavinf aside your constant (and somewhat disturbing) obsession with "Carol", with whom you seem determined to carry on a solitary and one-sided interaction (much like the rest of your love life, we'd imagine) the reference to office equipment was satirical. The entire article was satirical (i.e. made up, a distortion of reality, not to be read as fact). You really didn't do well at remedial reading classes, did you?
Satire, dumbo, is based upon accepted facts. Not ones that are made up. You really didn't graduate from that writing course, did you LawsWatch??
We are carol. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
liars...carols in Matts phone box with me and theres still heaps of room...
sat·ire - n.
A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
Uhhh... we must have failed the remedial reading course too... don't see any reference to "based on facts" there.
That's because you're not too bright. But then that's self-evident. You live in Wanganui with all the other losers.
Sorry to disagree but satire is based upon factual events, LW.
Just been told I merit a mention in your august journal of events. What do I find but my name spelt incorrectly. I do so hate inaccurate reporting. Also when I become an arts student next year does this mean I will have to quit Vision and join lawswatch? Worse still will I have to grow a shaggy beard, find old ratty t-shirts and hang around with Matt!!!!!!!
Sorry but this is my last correspondence as I prefer not to deal with anonymous people. Will happily debate issues if you email me at nygllhuw@kiwiwebs.info.
Then the fact we're satirising is the rumour about the fax machine :-D
Arts students won't be seen dead hanging out with designers, mate ;)
Oh Carol
Oh! Carol, Michael's but a fool,
Darling, he still loves you tho' you treat him cruel,
You hurt him and you make him cry
But if you leave him he will surely die.
Darling there will never be another
Cause he fears you so,
don't ever leave him,
Say you'll never go
He will always want you for his sweetheart
No matter what you do
Oh! Carol, He's so obsessed with you.
Nygllhuw said... What do I find but my name spelt incorrectly. I do so hate inaccurate reporting.
So do we, and we sincerely apologise for it. Bad transcription from ear to 'page', we're afraid, and corrected now.
You will be back Nygllhuw, you know you like it
As a science fiction buff you really should luv the fiction here Nygllhuw :-) .....but I suppose you're right..there's limited science.
TADPOL has one thing right and that's the obsession bit. Except its Carol that finds Michael fascinating. I'd love to see these two have a night at dinner with each other.
It's funny how Laws and his Lawsmob on this blog keep trying to bring it back to Carol. Everywhere I go, from the local cafes to kindergartens etc, people seem to be swapping stories about the goings-on in the mayoral entourage.
Just because she turns up at council meetings and takes an interest in the politics of diVision doesn't make Carol obsessed with Laws anymore than the daily information exchange at my local dairy makes the staff and customers there "obsessed".
So get a life, LawsMob. Start thinking about the issues and see if you can't learn something from this blog.
TAPLOL poetry will be claimed as such. Don't know any tadpoles.
TAPLOL
Speaking of politics, Mickey's spin in the Chron. today sounds a little rushed...almost as though he made it up as he went along.
"There is a simple way around the returning councillors’ objections: You ask Wanganui people, as I propose, to reduce councillor numbers and the total salary pool by the cost of those councillors."
Simple? He's lying.
The referendumb would carry no weight with the Remuneration Authority, because your lies will skew the whole thing out of balance, Mickey. They will, on the other hand, be required to take public submissions into account.
We should abolish the posistion of mayor; Give us that referendum question, Mickey.
Oh and whole we're at it, perhaps you might like to remind us about all the times Chas was caught lying, since you seem to use him as your benchmark. Zero times wasn't it? And what's your score? Every time you open your mouth...
There is only one "mob" in town and that is those who make up false rumours like LawsWatch originators and spread them.
Let's just take a quiet moment to reflect on the Sarjeant collection. Since its inception at the start of the 20th Century, the collection has been complete, with nothing taken away. Now, for the first time in its history artwork has been removed. That this has happened because of a madman's prejudice is shameful, but while it lasted, it was a thing we could be proud of. Now that the collection is under threat, we must be prepared to defend it.
The mayor is right about the referendum, dickhead. They run them through the Representation Commisson to join districts together (Otorohanga, Napier/Hastings, Banks Peninsula) and they have the most persuasive effect.
You know the worst? The referendum will happen, Wanganui will reduce their council numbers from 2007 and you'll lose. Again.
...those who make up false rumours...
well, the Chron. seem to be the source of the ones you're talking about. A Chron staff member told me they even have the phone number of the computer technician.
Spin Mickey spin...
Sell the Sarjeant to private developers who'll run it on commercial lines. Then you'll see increased efficiency, more staff efficiency (its grossly overstaffed at the oment),a building programme, the culling of the crap and more involvement of the private sector in donating resources.
Yeah sure they do, Carol/Matt.
You're lying because if they did, THE CHRONICLE WOULD PRINT IT.
The mayor is wrong about the referendumb, potty mouth. For a kick off his "question" is not one it's two. So any answers to it are ambiguous at best.
Will the representation commission be running WDC's shonky poll? No.
I've been interested in this later thread. I work at council and whoever is spreading the rumour about any "incidents" is lying. You should examine your own motives.
Council WILL run the poll.
No, I'm not lying. that's your bag. I'm not carrying it.
Spin, Mickey.
Name the Chronicle staff member, Carol. You're lying - like you lied that neither Matt nor you were running this blog.
OK children. A
A simple test to see WHO is lying.
LawsWatch, it is your credibility at stake so outline for the rest of us;
a) the alleged incident
b) the date
c) the proof (we'll accept eyewitness accounts or even accounts of those dealing with the alleged aftermath).
IF it is true, then the mayor would probably have to resign. This is your big chance.
I'm not carol, and I'm not lying.
Spin spin spin.
Yes, but you are mad Matt Dutton.
The Watchers have never advanced this rumour. I'm intrested in it because after the original poster let it out, two Chron staff told me about it independently.
It's a rumour, and if you hadn't been so strident in your denials, it would have gone away days ago...
Anon - I'm getting tired of you making claims about wrongdoing and I'm a Jodie Dalgleish fan. I'm with the Laws supporters on this one. Substantiate or f*** off. You're a well poisoner if you don't.
You're lying again. Name the staff.
Totally agree with the Jodie supporter. I didn't vote for this mayor and I think anything that rids him of our little town is good. So I look forward to the details being revealed because they would definitely make the media and definitely put the skids under him.
But I have a nagging feeling this rumour is untrue and I can't abide people who spread malicious gossip.
Anon said: Let's just take a quiet moment to reflect on the Sarjeant collection. Since its inception at the start of the 20th Century, the collection has been complete, with nothing taken away. Now, for the first time in its history artwork has been removed.
Sorry but the gallery has had AND used a policy for removing items from its collection for many years. It has also sold works to raise money for other acquisitions. or to pay restoration on other items. It has never sold works to pay maintenance or overheads though and this would be wrong. Even Vision agree would with this.
"Totally agree with the Jodie supporter. I didn't vote for this mayor "
I think you'll find they're (the Jodie supporter and the mayor) and one and the same. Isn't that right, Michael?
So, Watchers, what's his game?
anon said:
"Sorry but the gallery has had AND used a policy for removing items from its collection for many years. It has also sold works to raise money for other acquisitions."
That's news to me. Which pieces? And why did Bill Milbank say "nothing has been removed" at the F&A meeting?
All you Jodie supporters (haven't made my mind up yet): I have two questions:
a: will she stand?
b: She told me she applied to join Vision last election and was rejected. How will she answer Laws' revelation of this?
Mad? I thought I was eccentric.
A previous poster claims the Gallery is overstaffed. His Rogernomic agenda ensures he won't be taken seriously, but just to make the point, by international standards the Gallery is understaffed.
Reading between the lines in the Chron story this morning, I'm betting Sean had a screaming Diva on the blower yesterday morning complaining that he hadn't got the call yesterday inviting him to shoot down Randhir and Don in advance of publication.
Good on yer, Sean.
Lucky old bowlers (from today's sports pages):
"Mayor Michael Laws will open the season in his usual style .."
Usual style, eh. Surely that means he'll send an abusive email saying he's decided not come because all bowlers are wankers and and bowling greens are a waste of good subdivisible land and he's going to put the bulldozer through it and sell it off anyway.
Yeah right Matt. what's your agenda in trying to shoot jodie down? And given that Laws would feel more comfortable with Martin than Carla or Jodie, I think you're a sexist pig.
Well, I hope you're wrong. I'm not trying to shoot Jodie down: I think she'd make an excellent Councillor. Possibly a pretty good Mayor. If she stands, any other candidate will be hard pressed to get my vote.
Ask her yourself.
I'm sorry but the rumours did not start on this blog, my kids' kindergarten teacher 'gossiped' to me. But it's not really worth going on about it, leave them too it I say. Lets lean more about what's happening to this city we ALL love.
I agree. I just read the news that Fats Domino is "unaccounted for". Kind of puts it in perspective.
what rumours??
troll
I hope you're right about Jodie, Matt. I think she needs encouragement to stand & our collective support. She will make an outstanding by-election candidate, will win, and then be our next mayor.
Michael Laws has never said that Jodie offered to join his team - is that a red herring?
it's pointless blaming Lawswatch for these rumors. They diddn't start here. I herd them way before they made it to this blog.
I'll bet you a (spin) fairy cake that we will see a happy couple picture in the cron before long
With or without gritted teeth??
"Michael Laws has never said that Jodie offered to join his team - is that a red herring?"
The only thing fishy in here is the Diva posting anonymously in relentless support of Jodie. At least we agree on something, Michael.
But no one would think your motives in doing so are anything but warped and if I was Jodie I'd be very afraid.
Vision a red herring? A dead dog more like.
At least it's not 'round Jodi's neck anymore...
I'm not at all convinced that Jodie should stand this time. This by-election will be about Michael's failure as mayor, and Jodi is probably too connected with the arts. On the other hand, she'll need to raise her profile one way or another if she wants to get elected, and standing would be a sure-fire way to do that.
It's a curly one for sure.
...happy couple picture...
How is the demure and beautiful Mayoress? Busy at Horizons?
yer right there Mat...
you arts characters seem to think the town revolves around you...
small fish in the big picture...
Well, no, not really. I've expressed my "mayoral critic" opinion, and received support for doing so from all and sundry. I'm not sure how Industrial Design makes me an "arts character" but thanks for the compliment.
Where's the proof the mayor has been posting in favour of Jodie, you jerk Dutton. I thought these posts were meant to be confidential - or did you lie about that as well?
Well, potty mouth, I didn't say he was. Someone else did. I never said these posts were confidential either - personally I suspect that isn't strictly true - everything we do online is traceable.
But really, why don't you drop the personal abuse, child?
Since we're very concerned about confidentiality online, let us clarify again the visitor tracking that goes on. Yes, we track numbers of visitors. That tracking allows us to determine certain information. The most detail we can obtain on a particular visitor is:
- what date and time they visited.
- what browser and operating system they were using.
- sometimes, what ISP they use (e.g. xtra.co.nz).
- some other technical info (screen resolution etc).
If they're on a dial-up account and visit again before hanging up and dialling back in (and thus getting assigned a new IP number) we can tell the same person has come back (those on broadband need to check with their ISP, but usually your IP is randomly reassigned at least every 24 hours).
So, in short, we can't even tell if the same person who visited as "anonymous" today is the same person who will visit as "anonymous" tomorrow. All we know, and all we want to know, is how many unique visitors LawsWatch receives in a day, and what ISPs most of them use.
We can't know who those people are, and we don't want to.
The accusations that certain people are posting here arises, we believe, because of the "manner of speaking" of some of the anonymii, which sounds remarkably like the way some people speak in the real world. But then there's no way of us (or the accusers) knowing for certain.
We respect your privacy on this site (yes, even you, potty mouth ;-)
Post a Comment