Don't touch that dial!
One day, on a conference call at Prime TV:
Prime's Australian owner: ...listen you drongoes, you convinced me to pay this twerp a million bucks and now all he does is play bloody Solitaire on the office computer! It's off to Wagga Wagga with the bloody lot of you!
Prime executive: But sir, we've had a brilliant idea. We'll create a show featuring all those tired old hacks no one wants to watch anymore, but doing something new!
PAO: Look, we've already asked him to do Dancing with the Stars but he refuses to wear the shoes with the inbuilt lifts!
PE: No, it's an idea we got when we saw him playing himself at 'Trivial Pursuit'. We get him to host a quiz show. And we'll use up all the other 'celebrities' that keep ringing us up begging us to revive their flagging careers!
PAO: But like his other show, no bugger will watch!
PE: That's the beauty of this plan. Over here there's this thing called NZ On Air. They'll give us a bucketload of the punters' cash to screen this dross, thus subsidising the money you're obliged to pay the Small But Perfectly Formed Host. And even though the mugs won't watch it, they'll have to pay for it out of their taxes!!
PAO: Strewth! Stone the crows! Fair suck of the sav! And other Aussie aphorisms! You bloody socialist Kiwis are a riot!! What'll we call it?
PE: Well, 'Paul Holmes' was watched by about 3,600 people. Then we shortened it to 'Holmes' and even less people watched. So to make sure no one actually embarrasses us by watching this tripe we were thinking of calling it just 'H'.
PAO: But there needs to be something that screams 'quiz show' at people, just in case they think of tuning in anyway. Something that emphasises all the hard work the swotting up, the preparation...
PE: Brilliant as always boss!! That's it!! We'll call it 'Preparation H'!!.
Then, on opening night:
Paul Holmes (for it is he): Ladies and gentlemen, cameramen, the autocue operator, a couple of people in the control room and anyone who's switched over thinking they were going to see Hogan's Heroes and can't find the remote... Tonight on Michael's team we have Marc Ellis... excuse me a moment... yes?... ahhh, it seems Marc has been called away for an urgent interview. Though I've never heard of this show called "Customs". Must be something to do with anthropology... so once again his place will be taken by a player who in fact scored higher in our pre-testing for the show... please welcome, a block of wood!!
(Scattered applause)
Mike Hosking: I used to do real current affairs you know...
PH: Yes, so did I but it's so fleeting. Now shut up. And joining Mike on the panel tonight... Alison Mau!! It's a pleasure to have you aboard as always Ally...
Alison Mau: Let's hope it lasts longer than the last gig, you hopeless little...
PH: And tonight's first question is to Michael Laws. The people who voted for an elected official - much like yourself in fact, matey - are his...
Michael Laws: Oooo I know this!! Serfs!!
PH: No, sorry... we went through this in the Green Room Michael...
ML: Fruitcakes! Single issue nutters!!
PH: Sorry, I'm going to throw to the other team. Mike Hosking?
MH: Important people used to actually fear being questioned by me... what happened?
PH: Alison Mau?
AM: This better pay as well as that stand-in hosting thing, you little...
PH: One last chance, Michael... starts with 'e'... the people who elected you are your...?
ML: Genetic deficients! Crackpots!! I'm their Emperor!! That starts with 'e'!!!
PH: No, I'm sorry Michael, they're your employers. Now, after the break, I become increasingly desperate to get another spread in a women's magazine and so propose to the autocue operator. Michael, stop gnawing at my clipboard...
Comments on this post are now closed.
46 comments:
It's good to Michael has some friends who recognise his talent for self-promotion ... but the Gnome and Hoskings (who couldn't even put together a readable wine column?? Dear Lord, who next?
Very funny thanks Watchers.
Funny that the Chron this morning should be asking what it would be like if we suffered a New Orleans style disaster.
Anyone who managed to read Laws' Sunday column without puking has a fair idea of the sort of lunatic people would be looking to for leadership and to represent the citizens in appeals to the rest of the country, govt, etc for assistance.
Here's the way he wants to be seen by the rest of NZ:
Long after we've forgotten the name of this event, we'll remember the New Orleans mayor going goony over the prospective casualties.
Compassion? Yeah right!
Or the fact that all the victims were black and seemed more in need of Jenny Craig than food parcels.
and a bit of self-projection onto Bush:
I won't blame Dubya if he doesn't turn up to the next international crisis, and instead sends an effigy of an upraised finger.
I wonder how his councillors felt when they read this?
...sends an effigy of an upraised finger
LawsWatch: Prescient as ever.
I have no doubt that the majority of his councillors would be deeply ashamed.
Nicki, for instance. Or Sue P. Or Marty. Basically decent individuals who just got into some bad company and now feel they have to endure this sort of embarrassment.
This might be a good time to remind them that there's going to be a by-election coming up and they could exit with some of their dignity intact.
In fact, as they no doubt realise, the tide has gone out on any popular support for both the diVa and diVision so they'd get plenty of support.
Anyone who's associated with Laws come next election should be up for a severe beating from the electorate. Whereas anyone who publicly leaves diVision will be a certainty.
Bull shit
Vision will cream it... Only in your wettest dreams do you have more support than Vision. They are doing what the MAJORITY of the population want.
Holding Rates
Open Government
Getting rid of deadwood
A Sports show? What happened, Michael, did Sky not want you back?
"Open government"?
Don't kid yourself. Michael Laws is political poison in Wanganui right now.
No, not a sports show, a "current affairs quiz".
"Holding rates"
$57.50 extra per year per rate payer for the Splash Centre Extension running costs alone. If you manage not to have to borrow for the Capital, that is.
What's your strategy, to just keep on repeating the same tired old lies?
Bad news, losers.
This mayor has his own radio talkshow, his own SKY sports show, his own Sunday column, is mayor of you mewling peasants, and now has a Prime TV show.
While you just draw the dole in drongo-land.
Thankl God the rest of Wanganui isn't as jealous as you losers in here.
I think the one thing you COC/SOS people fail to appreciate is that the more Carol Webb, Emma Camden, Matt Dutton appear in opposition to ML, the stronger and more popular he gets. Attack him more.
Yeah Carol & Matt hate success.
But they're not alone in that, to be fair. For most arties, its a fleeting and unrealisable dream.
I'll mention that to my accountant sometime
Seriously, do you think slagging me off makes me look bad? it just indicates that you can't argue on topic.
Wanganui needs and wants an extended swimming pool. Where's the money coming from?
De-accessioning work from a collection is the job of curators, not elected officials. has Council lost its mind?
Council will have spent $140,000 on The Heart of Wanganui by years end, and yet will not release even the most basic information about the project. What are they afraid of, public consultation?
Not one of these questions can adequately be answered by personal abuse. Read the first paragraph again, eh?
Okay, so as GK swims off into the Waitemata sunset, Barbara Bullock takes the reins of the "working party" that now has the job of digging out all the shit that has poured into the gaping hole in Springvale.
No doubt she's getting a crash course in the gospel according to the diva right now. Perhaps when she emerges she'll tell all.
LawsWatch, why don't you send a bunch of questions to her. She's a straight arrow and she won't fall for the diVision crapola.
Unlike the diVision toadies she also seems to actually believe in transparency on things like this.
Hi Michael
Thought you'd be too busy wanking along with your Sky mates (or is that your Prime mates, all 3 of them?) to try spinning your way out of trouble with LawsWatch. This tired old crap is not only wearing thin here, but with the poor sods out in Castlecliff & ELSEWHERE who decided to give you another chance.
Let's see - Hawkes Bay, Wellington, Whanganui. Three strikes and you're out Michael. Walk now and save us the trouble.
Dear Lord -- do you really think this tired old mantra justifies all the hot air and damage to Whanganui's sense of community, and sense of itself nationally, of the last ten months:
Vision ... They are doing what the MAJORITY of the population want.
Holding Rates
Open Government
Getting rid of deadwood
This mayor has his own radio talkshow, his own SKY sports show, his own Sunday column, is mayor of you mewling peasants, and now has a Prime TV show.
Yes, Wanganui, that was our mayor, tonight.
"This mayor has his own radio talkshow, his own SKY sports show, his own Sunday column, is mayor of you mewling peasants, and now has a Prime TV show."
Hey Michael, you forgot to mention your inglorious two-episode reign on Trash Island. I seem to remember you were dug up and buried again as soon as they realised what a total plonker you were.
Tired of local Dignitaries in your face all the time?
Had enough of being listened to in the Supermarket?
try New!!!! Improved!!!! Invisible Mayor!!!!!!
Anon said:
try New!!!! Improved!!!! Invisible Mayor!!!!!!
make up your mind!!!!! First you had too much of him, now you are saying you cant get enough???
Yeah, the point is Laws is a national celebrity AND mayor.
These plonkers here are neither - just sad people who are so obsessed with ML they've started up this little shrine.
Matt & Carol - you're like Pavlov's dogs. Add David Murray & his strange partner and you've got just about every disorder represented here.
Especially env.
...y.
You realise we come here just to goad you, don't you? You're great sport - sort of like pulling the wings off flies.
And we come here to expose you: your lies and psychotic habits. you realise that, don't you?
Where's the Splash Centre Extension cash coming from?
Who gives a shit where the Splash cash is coming from? But a wild guess: from the money Wanganui saved from not putting up that Sarjeant extension. Could build 2 Splash centres for that!
well, it's just that the minuites ssay it's coming from increased borrowing and a rates increase. That's all.
And Mickey said there was no money for the Sarjeant Extension. So half of zero is, ummm... let me see...
You don't know me you dickhead
Let me take a wild guess: you support Michael Laws.
These plonkers here ... started up this little shrine.
We're not Shriners; we don't even have a funny hat, unlike your hero.
Re: trying to ID blog anons ...
"Plonkers"
Interesting word - used by Ross M-A in his letter to the Chronicle this morning. Do we have a fifth columnist in our midst?
A small tip from one who was part of the 1960s protest movements and that is your worst critics are always those on your own side.
Everyone knows that LawsWatch is Carol Webb, Matt Dutton & Rex Widerstrom. The former two lie publicly saying that they weren't involved.
That is itself a lie: my involvement in Lawswatch has been exactly as I have stated. I've posted here, and paid for one advert. Prove otherwise or retract your lies.
I hope LawsWatch isn't letting itself get distracted by all the rubbish coming form LawsMob and the Diva himself in an effort to deflect from the issues that are being raised here.
I have yet to see anyone, anon or otherwise, front up and tell us just what is going on with the Splash Centre despite the very factual post that was here a couple of days ago.
It suits LawsMob and the Diva to rubbish LW and bullshit about rumours etc but mention the Splash Centre and they all disappear into the deep end.
I'm a Laws supporter and council has been consistent over the Splash Centre. It's you plods that can't get your head around the fact that it is a project and that council contributes $2.5m of that cost and will manage it.
No denial from Carol, I see.
So you ARE involved, Matt.
Own goal, mate.
"Anonymous said...
I'm a Laws supporter and council has been ... "
You mean you ARE Laws, don't you?
council contributes $2.5m of that cost and will manage it
and borrows to pay for the shortfall in funding and charges ratepayers an extra $57.50 pa. Perhaps you won't discuss this because you think it's indefensible, or you think it will make you u-n-e-l-e-c-t-a-b-l-e.
Sorry, Matt - I'm a Laws supporter. Like to be Laws - wouldn't mind his ability to get up your & Carol's snoz.
And my Strategy agenda has arrived this morning & a very good piece on the Splash Centre, FYI.
"i soon found during the campaign that he was on his own track-any challenge...led to personal attack and an attempt to belittle one`s views and intentions"
Joan Street on Michael Laws.
joan said...
need to say-in defence of some other vision councillors-bob was not a unanimously popular candidate amongst the team
1:09 PM, September 06, 2005
I bet he wasn't. having trouble getting along with your Vision buddies, Bob?
From what Joan says, (in a post at
6:54 PM, September 06, 2005), GK could be considered one of the "good guys". His leaving Vision no doubt strengthens the Bob Walker/Michael Laws faction in the party. Joan also tells of an email from ML abusive of Arts "supporters". This is way back before or very close to the election, remember. So there was a co-ordinated anti-arts agenda from at least one faction within Vision right from the start, just as stated here some time ago: "we elected Michael Laws to put the artists in their place..." or somesuch Bobbian nonsense.
Irrational hatred as public policy. Didn't Germany have a little experiment with that back in the 1930's?
Hey LawsWatch
Looks like your reign as Wanganui's pemiere gossip mill is being challenged by that fearless organ River City Press.
It breathlessely tells on page 7 that "Peter is not commenting" on speculation that he (Jackson that is) has taken a four-year lease opn the old Post Office.
Watch this space.
The gossip is coming from outside this blog mate.
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