Open wide, Mr Ed

How strange. It seems some very odd people indeed have been visting LawsWatch and endeavouring to mislead the people of Wanganui. Some people have unkindly suggested that this may be the work of the Devil, sorry, Diva himself.

Surely not. Someone who who stooped to posting misleading comments in a blog would be the sort of person whose questionable financial practices and denials thereof, supplemented by the occasional bit of forgery, would lead to their ignominious downfall from public life. Certainly sounds nothing like our Diva.

Time to go to the horse's mouth. Since the Chron is chronically unable - or unwilling - to ask the obvious questions, we'll have a go. Which is not to say we'll get answers, of course. Macquarie, whose top five executives get paid $90 million between them, and one of whose former Directors went to jail, can't be bothered being accountable, but we'll keep asking.

So let's try some of the other players, shall we? LawsWatch has today asked the Port of Wanganui the following questions:

• What formal contacts have been made between yourselves and Port Taranaki, and what indications do you presently have of Port Taranaki's preference (or attitude) toward dealing with Port of Wanganui vs dealing with the WDC?
• Who is Gerard Billington, what group of investors does he represent, and what is their proposal?
• Has Mayor Michael Laws's attitude and actions, particularly in refusing to meet with you, brought about an end to proposals which otherwise might have had an opportunity to come to fruition?

And for good measure, we've asked Westgate CEO Roy Weaver:

• Both PoW and the WDC have claimed at various times that Westgate has a preference for negotiating with one or the other organisation. Do you in fact have a preference and, if so, why?
• What has been your impresssion of, and reaction to, any contact you may have had with representatives of either organisation to date?
• What can you tell us of any approaches made to you by Mayor Michael Laws?
• Has the Mayor suggested or encouraged Westlake to cease dealing with PoW and deal exclusively with himself and/or the WDC?
• Given the Council's withdrawal of support in principle for PoW plans, how does Westgate now intend to proceed?

Alert readers will notice that, with the exception of part of the question to PoW about Mr Billington, these questions all relate to the process of negotiations, not the substance. While crying of "commercial confidentiality" has replaced patriotism as the last refuge of the scoundrel it's a little harder to justify when you're being asked about who you're meeting with rather than what's being discussed - so let's see what, if any, information these fine organisations choose to give the people.

Westgate boasts on every webpage of being "100% owned by the people of Taranaki" while Port of Wanganui promises to answer any question within 48 hours. We shall see...

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Storm over the port

We're never going to get those pseudonyms sorted out, are we? You can comment on this blog using an entirely fictitious name, you know... it would help to keep track of whose "potty mouth" (as one anonymous accused another) is abusing who.

One of the throng of anonymii opined, on the Port legislation:

The most obvious explanation is that they haven't got 'round to changing it yet, but I note that the Harbour has been treated separately and specially in NZ law for some time now. Perhaps there's an unresolved Treaty claim in the mix?

Indeed. In addition to Wai 167, which was heard back in 1993 and concluded:

"...the Authority of the Atihaunui in the Whanganui River should be recognised in appropriate legislation. It should include recognition of the Atihaunui right of ownership of the Whanganui River, as an entity, and as a resource, without reference to the English legal conception of river ownership in terms of riverbeds.

There is also the current Whanganui Lands Inquiry (Wai 903), expected to commence hearing this time next year, which "encompasses over 50 claims covering an area stretching from the mouth of the Whanganui River to just north of Taumarunui".

The Whanganui River Maori Trust Board are explicit in seeking to negotiate Te Ara Putea (commercial use) of the river, which presumably includes port development (perhaps a Atihaunui kaumatua may be kind enough to post a comment or email lawswatch-at-hotmail-dot-com and confirm this?), yet seem to be left to one side in the present squabble.

In any case, put this in to the mix with questions over the statutory authority over the Port and you have an potentially messy and expensive bout of litigation just waiting to happen.

While another of the anonymii suggests:

"...I'd say that they simply extrapolated the renamed districts after the local govt reorganisation of the late 1980s... Whether its called a standing committee or specialist doesn't matter - the point is that it has the power to administer the resources at the Port."

We respectfully beg to differ. Any good constitutional lawyer, like say Geoffrey Palmer or Mai Chen,could spend months in the High Court putting up a very good argument that the standing committee (or specialist committee) simply didn't exist.

An expensive proposition for the Diva and his Council to refute, meaning caution would seem to be in order. But alas, according to the Chron:

Mayor Michael Laws... said it was time for council to take a hands on approach to managing the port and he didn’t see PoW as part of that... PoW issued a statement at the news, saying council appeared to be stealing the project. “Upon realizing the viability of the proposed development and that Westgate (Port of Taranaki) was interested from an investors perspective, council chief executive Colin Whitlock and Michael Laws set about appropriating the project.”

That comes on top of refusing to meet with PoW. Now, regardless of whether any of the ideas being mooted are worth considering, given the somewhat uncertain nature of the legislation underlying all this (coupled with the possibility of expensive litigation anyway, if someone's pet project gets knocked back) one would would hope the Mayor would tread carefully, mindful of the fact that if we're too broke to mend potholes the last thing we want to do is waste money on unnecessary legal squabbles.

This is surely a time for calm, care, consultation and co-operation between the parties, and the aforementioned caution. Yet with the Diva in the middle of it, only one "c" word can result: conflict.

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Crikey Bruce, what do we want with a port?...

...we still have all this XXXX left to drink.

For the record, we have asked Macquarie (or rather their PR people) to elaborate on their part in the whole Port saga, and to confirm how much, if any, money they've chucked at it. We await a reply. Seems their NZ spin is run from Australia, so whether Wanganui will have registered on their radar remains to be seen. There's no reference to Wanganui on their website, even where they commit to new projects in New Zealand.

Anyone own any shares in Macquarie? Perhaps their investor relations people might confirm whether they're throwing your money around.

Meanwhile, this story in the Chron says, inter alia:

PoW said it had requested a meeting with Mr Laws to present the development proposal but the mayor had refused to meet with them...

The statement said PoW and the council had a binding contractual agreement that clearly outlines an agreement in principle for the development of the port. PoW said a result it had enough material to bring legal proceedings against council on the grounds of breach of contract.

“Legal recourse would represent a last ditch attempt to bring council and the mayor into line. It is hoped that support from the community and groups such as the Rate Payers Association will bring pressure to bear on the council and encourage it to get this project back on track.”

Whether you support or oppose development, locking yourself in your room and refusing to come out is a rather odd way of dealing with it, no?

We'll forgive the Port folks for overlooking mention of the awesome power of LawsWatch and instead ask: Didn't we elect council as our representatives? That surely means meeting with whomsoever needs to be met with, and not go running the risk of defending expensive legal proceedings.

We might argue whether a Sarjeant extension or a motocross track is best use of our rates, but we're sure we can all agree that lining the pockets of lawyers isn't a desirable third alternative?

If the Port of Wanganui people had only asked us, we could have guaranteed a meeting with the Diva. Just bring along a camera, a microphone, and preferably a hairdresser and make-up person.

While we've been doing our bit, we'd be interested to hear whether any LawsWatch Fifth Columnists have had any success in seeking membership of Wanganui's most vibrant and exciting political party / movement / troupe?

As a commenter said, a political party which didn't want members would be a very strange beast indeed.

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Bored by a gimlet

Oh dear. The Virtual Critic has been most unkind.

...as one New Zealand political commentator observed, if there’s anywhere that deserves Michael Laws as Mayor, it’s Wanganui. Michael Laws is a man who has been a failure at everything he has done. He was a failure as a politician (remember that ill-timed defection from National to New Zealand First in 1996?). He was a failure as an author (you probably don’t remember his truly terrible novel, Dancing With Beelzebub). He may or may not have been a failure on Celebrity Treasure Island (I could never bring myself to watch), but his whining and whimpering through Ecuador on TV One’s execrable Intrepid Journeys does not inspire confidence. And now he’s on track to be a glorious, flamboyant, disastrous failure as a mayor as well.

Yet – incredibly – the people of Wanganui voted for this gimlet in droves... Laws has spent the six months since his election burning bridges with astonishing assiduity. First, he threatened to do away with the Serjeant Gallery – which is quite possibly the only remotely good thing about Wanganui – and now he’s libelling his constituents through his newspaper columns. Like John Tamihere, Laws’ undoing is his arrogance; unlike Tamihere, Laws’ arrogance is not founded on any substance. His columns in the Sunday Star Times are full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Gimlet?! Surely not! Related words include borer and of course, tool.

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The who and the how

They are a secretive little lot, aren't they?

For who they are, see the Vision Wanganui web site.

A look at their code reveals an email: info@visionwanganui.co.nz. Alternatively, why not simply ask someone who's already a member? A councillor is the obvious choice - all the candidates were happy enough to have their telephone numbers published during the campaign. However, we won't do that here - though they can still be found on the back page of this newsletter (Adobe Acrobat's free reader required to view).

Or you could try the contact page on their "old" site - the one they had when they were pretending to be interested in what anyone else thought.

The new site merely goes on (and on) about what a great lot they are. A clear commitment to open, transparent democracy. Not.

If you're looking for some humorous bedtime reading, their democracy policy is here.

Talking of democracy, if you haven't already don't forget to vote in our poll.

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We are you, you need to be them

"Who are these Vision people?" commenters ask.

Here's an idea: they could be you.

It seems to us the Diva has you all right where he wants you. There's "them" and there's "us". And then amongst "us" there's people who seemingly wouldn't care what the Diva did provided he left alone whatever pet project they favour; there are those who just seem to like a good stoush; there are those who seem truly concerned for the future of Wanganui; and there are those who just want to heap scorn upon people who - hilariously - have nothing to do with the blog beyond what they contribute as readers and/or commenters - precisely the same status as those doing the finger-pointing.

There are even a handful of people who have some very odd ideas indeed (a hole in the tinfoil hat letting in all those government death-rays, we suspect).

And so "us" roundly abuse one another while "them" get on with running things their way - and some of us don't even know who most of them are.

So here's a radical proposal: Join them. Take them over. Have them run things the way we believe they ought to be run.

As can be seen from this document Vision Wanganui is a party. And parties have rules. Now, the Diva's record with bringing democracy into the political party process is, shall we say, a tad tarnished. Well alright, it's so rusty bits are falling off.

The first thing he does is stack every available position with the sycophantic and ambitious, the venal and the short-sighted, and occasionally the good-hearted but deluded.

But what if we all put up our hands? Dug into our pockets, found whatever joining fee they're asking, and used our membership cards to attend every meeting?

And at those meetings we made sure that we voted that any "central committee" had very limited powers. That the party as a whole met regularly and was forced, by its very Constitution, to implement policies acceptable to the majority of its members.

Make them us, and us, them. But do it now, while things are at a formative stage, not when a Constitution that suits the Diva's ends is writ in stone and needs a ridiculous majority to change.

---

It's just like this blog, really. LawsWatch is you, too, not just us. We don't have the resources of the Chronicle but we don't have it's difficulties either. And much as we do take our collective hats off to the reporting staff, who seem to be doing an excellent job under difficult circumstances, we'd pit you against them any day - because there are more of you and many of you have access to better infoprmation.

Unlike the owners of the Chronicle, we can and will publish anything we deem of importance, because we're very difficult to sue and as much as we'd like to be bunged a nice fat wad of ratepayer's cash to run pro-Diva waffle, we'll keep our day jobs and spend as much of our free time as we can right here.

However - and do please note this, because we're very proud of the fact we haven't deleted a comment yet - people's private lives are strictly off limits. Absolutely, and without exception. Everybody's. Provided they live their public life in a fair, honest and democratic manner, we really, truly don't care if someone has had a long-term affair with a goat, and nor should you.

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Chron(ic) silence

Still no answer, Mr Maslin? It's a simple enough question. Don't the residents of the town you serve deserve to know whether their primary source of news is being run without fear or favour?

Or does anyone in a position of power / and or influence in poor old Wanganui take some sort of oath to treat the people with contempt?

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Bullying writ large?

An anonymous commenter (are there any other sort on this blog?!)... well, comments:

I think the Chron has decided that, if discretion is the better part of valour, cowardice is the better part of discretion. The wonderful and usually inaccurate Wanganui rumour mill has it that several gagging writs have already been applied, and we all know about the Port of Wanganui allegations. Even the CoC report says they decided not to investigate
parts of that particular can of worms.

Usually inaccurate the rumour mill may be, the issuing of gag writs isn't exactly a tactic unknown to the Diva. But even he usually waits till things get a little stickier than they are at present.

So, time for Chronicle Editor John Maslin to answer this simple question:

Has the Chronicle been, or is it currently the subject of, any writ, or written threat of a writ, from the Mayor (either in his official capacity or as a private individual) or District Council of Wanganui?

Alright, maybe not that simple, but with the Diva you need 1,001 subordinate clauses to get to the bottom of what he's up to.

If the answer to the above is "yes", then:

To what issues do the writ(s) or threats of writ(s) relate? (You can usually reveal the topic of the writ, just not the subject matter, unless it's a very strong writ indeed).

Let us know via lawswatchathotmaildotcom from your official Chron email (after all, anyone could leave a comment claiming to be Editor of the Chron, now couldn't they? Not that we're suggesting anyone would be such a deceitful little worm as to do such a thing *cough* Michael *cough* Morgs *cough*).

Remember, Mr Maslin, we're on your side. We actually believe all that guff about the importance of The Fourth Estate, and if the Chron is getting ankle tapped we'll be right there beside you, defending to the death your right to say anything about anyone (us included).

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Bend over and cough, please.

A "restructuring" of Council Committees has occurred. While in most places this would be a relatively unexciting event, as with anything in which the Diva is involved, there have been scores settled, obsequiousness rewarded, and opponents sidelined.

Being "restructured" by the Diva is like having colonic irrigation done by the volunteer fire brigade.

And while anyone who sits through these meetings without picking up a meeting fee also probably walks home flagellating themselves with a birch, it's where a lot of decision-making - and deal-making - gets done.

The three councillors who've shown the most opposition to the Diva - Dahaya, Westwood and Bullock - have been all but benched for the remainder of the game, while others with useful talents have been given jobs clearly designed to ensure they don't get in the Diva's way by asking too many awkward questions. Don't want an accountant (with forensic experience) like Barbara Bullock on the Finance and Administration Committee, do we?

Westwood had the temerity to challenge this capricious bestowal of favours. It was unilaterally decided, she said. It was designed to force even greater division, not better teamwork. Well yes, Sue - don't you read any history?

Diva devotee Graham Taylor opined that the reshuffle rewarded “those councillors who have really stepped forward and made a mark in the first six months”. Last time LawsWatch saw anyone make a mark in their first six months it required a nappy bucket and a lot of detergent to fix up, so he could be onto something there.

That certainly would explain the exalted role given Nicky Higgie, whose entire contribution, such as it is, has been a series of barely intelligible gurgles, and a quite breathtaking display of mindless Diva devotion.

Meanwhile, a fellow observer and LawsWatch informant attended that same meeting as has prepared you all the following parable. Are we sitting comfortably? Good, then we'll begin...

There’s an air of mid-winter Christmas in Room 2 at Guyton St Abnormal School this week. SANTACLAWS saddled up Dasher, Donna, Dancer, Prancer and the rest and rewarded the good little children with prime committee jobs while punishing the naughty ones.

Since SANTACLAWS has been away at the North Pole doing radio shows for most of his reign, he asked all the children to send him emails telling him what they’d like to find under the tree. As LITTLE NICKI squealed whilst excitedly tearing open her Community Committee pressie, emailing SANTACLAWS is the modern day equivalent of how councils used to work in her parents’ day, when they sat around the table and discussing things like grown-ups.

In fact, LITTLE NICKI just couldn’t understand why the incredibly grown-up milk monitor CLEVER SUE wasn’t happy with the process. “She’s always going on about process, whatever that is,” thought NICKI.

CLEVER SUE even suggested SANTACLAWS might have been a just a teensy-weensy little bit hasty in giving the biggest and best pressies to the youngest boys and girls because, as everybody knows, they really haven’t got a clue about how anything works.

But SANTACLAWS said some nice things about LITTLE NICKI and the rest and promised CLEVER SUE and her friend BARB, who’s really good at arithmetic, that they could play with the other children whenever they wanted to - even though they couldn’t be boss of any of the clubs. He even said RANDHIR could be boss of the Harbour Club.

The good boys DON MCGREGOR and RANGI WILLS, who have tried really really hard to be nice to the kids in the diVision Club, got nice pressies and even that weird kid RAY STEVENS got a deputy chair pressie though no one has seen him at school for months.

But of course, SANTACLAWS saved the best pressies for the boys and girls in the diVision Club. WEE MARTY, who hasn’t learnt to talk properly yet and still sucks his thumb, got the Heritage committee and SANTACLAWS said lots of incredibly nice things about him. “It’s such a shame Marty isn’t here to hear it,” thought NICKI.

PRETTY SUE was away playing dress-up but she got the $56,000 Youth pressie. “She's now a single-issue non-entity and youth is her single issue,” giggled NICKI to herself.

“That strange boy MUZZA HUGHES has had even less to say than me, so that must be why he got Hearings,” thought Nicki. “And of course BOSSY DOTTY’S been working really, really hard to put on the River Queen end-of-term play, so it’s no wonder she got Economic Development.” SANTACLAWS gave Strategy, the best pressie of all, to his pal ‘GK’ TAYLOR who’s already in the First Fifteen and a prefect.

GK said nice things about NICKI and pretended all the diVision club kids were very clever. But then he got all annoyed when CLEVER SUE said it was a pity that SANTACLAWS hadn’t tried to make all the children feel part of the big school.

NICKI wondered what he meant about how CLEVER SUE was naughty to talk about “factions”. “Perhaps he really means fractions,” thought NICKI. “But then all we have really learned about this term is diVision.”

We'll be establishing a Councillors' Report Card on the site soon, so you can give us your opinions on individual councillors. But meantime, has the Diva made best use of Wanganui's (human) resources?

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Non, Monsieur Le Mayor!

Anonymous (does anyone in Wanganui have a name? Even a fake one, so at least we can tell you all apart?!) asked us in comments:

When was the last time a blog ever got sued? You're being paranoid.

Going slightly off-topic (we hope), the answer to that is quite recently, actually. Several blogs have been sued.

The most relevant example is probably that of Christophe Grebert who is being sued by the mayor of the French city, Puteaux (close to Paris) in which he lives because of his blog comments which crticise the way the city is run.

The council (which makes ours look positively independent) has voted a budget of 29 000 € (about NZ$51,600) towards silencing Christophe.

Oh, and that was after he was arrested by the local police for his blog. We await a visit from the Mayor's Unmounted Vigilantes. Paranoid? Who, us?

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Regrets, I've had a few...

Excuse us... the reference to Wham in our last post had us reminiscing on proper music. Interesting exchange in recent comments went something like this:

Anonymous said...
the only person who says they voted for Laws but now regrets it is Carol Webb. So Carol, where's your blog? we miss it. and whats the update on the petition I signed?

Anonymous said...
Wrong again. There's plenty more. In fact, I don't know anyone who voted for him who would do so again.

Anonymous said...
Name one.

Anonymous said...
What, so you can start abusing them? Perhaps you'd do that to your friends
(in fact I'm sure you would) but I value mine.

Alrighty then. Before it's crayons at dawn in Guyton Street, let's do a wee experiment of our own, shall we?

We're asking the good citizens of Wanganui this simple question: If you voted for the Diva before, would you do so again?

Now, before the CoC folks and the ranting acolytes of the Diva start flexing their fingers and preparing to crash the poor polling folks servers by placing more votes for or against than there are people in the whole of Wanganui, there are several protections built in to guard against multiple voting from the one computer. Of course it's possible to circumvent - perhaps by running madly from one computer to another throughout your entire workplace, but then are you really that silly? - but it should give us a reasonably accurate straw poll.

We'll leave it here for several days and the running total is available at any time.

If an election were held now, would you vote for the Diva?

Yes, did before and would again.

Yes, didn't before but would now.

No, did before but never again.

No, didn't before and wouldn't now.

Vote? I can never be bothered.





Free polls from Pollhost.com

Comments on this post are now closed. The poll will remain open until further notice.

Those who do not learn from history...

It really is amusing to us here in LawsWatch land, all this speculation as to our identities. We're not here to push a gallery, or a swimming pool, or even a dirt bike track as a commenter suggested he'd like.

If a properly informed populace is offered a properly audited oportunity to express it's will, and votes to burn down / extend / create any of the above, good on 'em we say. But the key phrases here are properly informed and properly audited.

After all, the Diva does have a somewhat murky record when it comes to respecting the wishes of the people whom he supposedly serves. In 1996, around 100 properly elected officials of the NZ First party cast their ballots to rank the party list. What happened to those votes?

Well, as the Diva admitted himself in his tome The Demon Profession, they might as well have been written on toilet paper (3 ply of course) for all the respect they were shown. The Diva, Winnie, and Winnie's secretary sat down and wrote up their own list - one that bore no relationship at all to that chosen by the party.

We're not about art galleries, though by all means continue to debate that here. Unlike the letters pages of the Chron(ic) we're beholden to no one and will "print" anything that's not obscene or clearly defamatory.

We're about democracy. And the threat represented to that by people like the Diva, adept at playing the politics of the democratic process, but somewhat less skilled at respecting the very nature of the beast - that those who are elected serve the people, not rule them.

Oh, and for the benefit of the baby mayor, who seems to be vocal on this blog but who was probably busy listening to the latest Wham CD (or whatever the heck was thought to be cutting edge back in 1996 when all this was going on)... you'd do well to consider the career of one Deborah Morris, Mr Bell, before leaping into the breach.

Once thought unfit by Winnie to attend policy and decision-making meetings in his party office, assidious betrayal of colleagues and lapdog loyalty to the Diva saw her catapaulted up said list and into Parliament as Minister of Youth Affairs. Where she did... nothing much. And went on to do... nothing much more. Whether the Diva had her on such a short tether she couldn't move, or whether it was her own ineptitude, no one knows nor cares now. Do you really want your footnote in history to be "could have done better"?

P.S. The accompanying image was sourced from this auction of the Diva's books on Trade Me. No reserve. The result? Passed in without a bid. Life can be so cruel sometimes.

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We're taking names

Good grief! Some commenters think the Code of Conduct complainants are so devious that they set up a blog and then criticise themselves on it so as to avoid being suspected of being authors of the said blog hmmm? By that logic, we could just as easily be the Diva himself. Perhaps we are! Perhaps the schism has finally occurred.

Since our astounding lack of understanding of (or interest in) the funding of art in Wanganui had to be corrected by none other than Matt Dutton (see comments to our last post) we're probably not anyone connected with the Save Our Serjeant campaign either.

Or perhaps that's also part of the devious campaign of misinformation? Please, you might support Michael but you don't have to start thinking like him. The air in the Fuhrer bunker at Guyton Street must be thick with conspiracy theories.

But onto more important things. Another commenter asks: "What do poeple (sic) think about Laws putting all his mates in well payed (sic) council jobs ? Think it's called the 'new' boys and girls club".

A good question. And here's another: let's compile a list, in comments to this post, of such people. Then we'll see if a resident is interested in putting in an Official Information Act request to see how much these people are paid. And maybe look into the appointments process.

Vintage Diva during his Winston days, really. Talking of which, there may be a bad case of deja vue about to occur there. More on that later.

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Prolific posting posited

Nice to see a lot of visitors and many comments. The prize for prolific posting (no, there's no one for excessive alliteration) goes to none other than: the Diva. Or someone mightily obsessed with him... but who's more obsessed with the Diva than himself?

We've had 500 visitors in the last week - not too bad for a small and very focused site. Of course many of those visits are the same people returning each day to catch up with what's new, and to leave comments. In order to get these numbers, we collect some non-identifying information from every visitor - stuff like what ISP they're using, their IP number, and so on. Sometimes we can tell which sites referred them to the blog.

That in turn yields even more fascinating information. Like the fact that some folks who've visited us have been from Anchorage, Alaska and Falkirk, Scotland - and that's just the most far-flung. We speculate they got here by press the next blog button, which takes the bored or curious surfer to a random blog. There's a button at the top of this blog - give it a try.

For the record:

1. We are not Carol Webb. Or Matt Dutton. Or anyone else who laid a Code of Conduct complaint. While some of the complaints were valid, many were not. And some were silly (we use that word advisedly, in the best Pythonesque tradition). There's nothing wrong with being silly - we encourage it. Which is why parts of this blog are sometimes slightly silly (there we go alliterating again). But not when you're making formal complaints. Read the first part of our review of the complaints below.
2. "Fall in love, go for a walk, garden ... anything", says one comment. Some of us did all that and more this past weekend (to respective spouses: we meant with you, all over again. Honestly. No, that's not lipstick on our shirt). We'd wholeheartedly support the sentiments of this comment - this is, after all, only the minor potentate of a town that the folks from Anchorage and Falkirk must be wonder "just where is this exactly?" when they land here, albeit a beautiful town with unique charms. On the other hand, those elected by the people owe a duty to those people, and when they fail to fulfill that, someone has to pop into a phone box, struggle into some impossibly small underpants, and put things to rights. Our underpants were in the wash, so we started a blog.
3. Some of us - actually make that all of us - tend to agree that the arts have at best a limited right to subsidisation, especially when there are people sitting round tables in New Zealand with less to eat than they'd like, or perhaps nothing at all, in substandard housing, on a never-ending waiting list for basic health care. That doesn't mean culture isn't important, or that we should send Cash Converters into the Serjeant. We've already bought that stuff, it deserves looking after, and Cash Converters will only give us a decent price if we trade it in on the dodgy looking exercycle and that collection of Leo Sayer CDs no one wants. Does that sound like the SOS people to you, "dearie"?

As tempting as it is to assume the obvious and thus try to dismiss LawsWatch as "sour grapes" or "single issue nutters" (look, we already took care of that in our description!) it's not that simple. Anyone who knows the Diva's history knows that the complainants and the SOS group are just the most recent people to have crossed the mascara'ed one's path and been appalled by what they've observed.

By the way, none of the information we collect gives us any idea who the people visiting are, nor precisely where they're from. We can't pop round to your house in our dark sedan with the tinted windows and apply a bit of attitude adjustment, so don't worry on that score.

All of which is by way of a prelude to our saying "thanks for visiting" and well done for commenting - and please keep it up. Yes, even you, Michael.

And laying out what must be the loosest and most esoteric "privacy policy" on the web.

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Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Mayor?

Put that bleedin' light out, Adams!

We'd love to take credit for this, we truly would, but it's an anonymous correspondent's take on the Diva's Secret Police:

The Burgher Police (aka Dad's Army) will no doubt be led on their patrols of Wanganui-On-Sea by the bumptious Grey Power platoon leader Captain Graham Adams, who like his role model Capt Mainwaring is a former banker with delusions of military grandeur. Capt Adams was the one who famously stirred the Vision troops during his annual plan inspection,on behalf of Grey Power, with the admonition that they owe their allegiance to their great leader Dame Commander Michael Laws as much as to the electors who conscripted them to Michael's Militia. Insp Hoyle might be regular forces but he's sure stumbled into a minefield as a result of succumbing to the charms of his own Lili of the Lamplight.

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'ello 'ello 'ello, what have we here then?

Firstly, let us say we have no interest whatsoever in where our police chief parks his long baton of an evening (we're referring here to whose nightstand it's left on, of course. Please get your minds out the gutter).

But when he appears alongside the Diva at the last gasp of the draft Annual Plan hearing and grabs $50,000 of our hard-earned rates money to fund some sort of Night Riders arrangement, our collective ears perk up.

"Trained volunteers walking the street – especially Victoria Ave and its surrounds – during the hours of darkness and liasing directly with the police watch house" is the way the Diva described it. And just how will these volunteers be vetted?

Anyone who's ever encountered a parking warden will know that the desire to be in a position of authority over others is inversely proportional to the suitability of that person to do so.

And how and where will they be trained? Is Wanganui to get a provincial version of those desert camps we've seen on TV, with volunteers crawling beneath barbed wire while live ammunition is discharged over their heads?

What happens when they're marching up Victoria Ave and spy a wrong-doer? If Wanganui is six police persons short, the chances of uniformed back-up arriving seems pretty slim. Perhaps the Diva will be at the head of his crack unit and give them a stern talking to?

But something tells us he won't actually be out there on the front lines.

Meanwhile, the $50,000 looks like it's just seed money. Perhaps there's a need for a poll to determine whether it's a popular idea, in which case we're sure the Diva know just the woman for the job - that well-known pollster Miss Antoinette Beck.

The rest of the dosh will come, apparently, from sponsors. “There is also the obvious ability to raise additional funds from other sources and from sponsorship. And indications are there are no shortage of responsible, community-minded citizens who want to contribute to keeping Wanganui people safe", the Diva says.

So Hamburglar might have to beware after all. McCops... coming soon to a street near you. And with all that walking around to be done, we have the perfect moniker for the Diva's footsoldiers - The Fallen Arches.

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Hamburglar beware?

According to an anonymous correspondent "Laws... even seems to get... the Local Police Chief, Sam Hoyle into his den by announcing his Burgher Police..." Burgher police? Will we see the plods dressed in new yellow and red livery soon? But how will they run after wrongdoers in those big clown shoes?

We'd be keen to hear more on this theory, from our original correspondent or anyone else who can shed some light.

Please note that all tips, comments and contributions need to be sent to our new email address: lawswatchathotmaildotcom

For some reason the old one didn't work. We suspect a conspiracy!!

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Get the Diva on your daks

How smart would you look wearing an exclusive LawsWatch t-shirt? Or supping your java from a nifty LawsWatch coffee mug? Or having the Diva peering out of your underpants? (Yes, we even have LawsWatch boxer shorts!)

All these items are available at cost to our supporters (or those who just want the Diva's face on every conceivable item of clothing or household object - and for those people, we can refer you to professional help, just ask). This is purely a public service on our part, though of course we hope you'll proudly display the merchandise and help us promote the web site.

That's right, we're not making a profit from any of these items. The prices are purely those charged by our supplier, who will handle all payment, packing and delivery right to your door.

So buy now, and show the Diva you're one of the Watchers!

Just click here and you'll be transported to our store.

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Dotty decisions

Excellent response from anonymous to our last post:

"...that was just Michael Laws pretending to be the mayor. He actually started being the mayor about ten minutes after the interview finished, and remained so for the next three hours. He was then off duty for a while, but slept peacefully through his 4am-6am shift."

That pretty much sums up the view of the majority of Councillors who heard the Code of Conduct complaints. Trouble is, there are times when a mayor isn't a mayor - especially when it's not a full-time job. And if anyone can split these sorts of hairs (when not busy brushing and tweezing his own) it's the Diva.

So, having explained earlier that Dotty and Co couldn't really censor the Diva for the drivel he spouts whilst being paid by the kind of newspaper which makes New Idea look like a serious journal of record, nor by the radio station which peddles various flavours of snake oil one minute and then tries to pretend it has any credibility the next, we'd better turn our attention to the parts of the Code of Conduct Report which let him off the hook entirely.

It's not that complex, really. If he's scribbling in the newspaper and talking about book-burning in general, it's clearly personal opinion. If, however, he talks about popping down to the Wanganui Public Library with an incendiary device strapped to his body, then there's clearly potential for him to be seen as expressing that opinion as Mayor. Then it comes down to hair-splitting: Was he working in the employ of some media outlet at the time? Or was he being interviewed and, if so, was it as Mayor? And so on...

So, let's look a some examples from the Code of Conduct findings where Dotty and the others seem to have taken a rather liberal view:

Example 5
An article in the Sunday Star Times, 12 December 2004, by reporter Helen Bains, quoting from an interview with Mayor Laws. Whilst some Councillors considered a comment by Mayor Laws regarding the Sarjeant Gallery Trust Board reflected badly on them as Councillors and on Wanganui as a whole, by a majority the Committee resolved that the example referred to the Mayor’s personal opinion which he was entitled to express and no response would be required.

So it was an interview, not a paid commentary. It was in his capacity as Mayor. It was a comment on a topic not only relating to Wanganui but on a matter in which he had a well-known involvement in his Mayoral capacity. The remarks "reflected badly" on "Wanganui as a whole". But they're "personal" opinion?

Remember when the Diva's mentor (no, not Winnie, the other one) Rob Muldoon called then-President Jimmy Carter a "peanut farmer". That was something of a personal opinion, too. But since he was being interviewed as NZ's PM at the time, more than a few people cringed. Even those who thought Carter made Gerry Ford look dynamic didn't want our elected leader bringing us into disrepute. Rob must be looking down (alright, we'll concede he might be looking up) in amazement - the Diva can get away with even more than Muldoon could in his heyday.

Example 7
A news article in the Sunday Star Times, 12 December 2004, reporting Mayor Laws comment that he would have the Sarjeant Gallery collection assessed by independent valuers, and that it would make sense to sell some of the Gallery’s 6,500 art works rather than have them “rot away” in storage. It was resolved that the example referred to the Mayor’s personal opinion which he was entitled to express and no response would be required.

Another interview, again clearly in a Mayoral capacity. This one doesn't just express opinion, personal or otherwise, it states intent to take an action (having the Sarjent Gallery collection assessed by an independent valuer) without reference to the Council, the Gallery Board or anyone else.

Perhaps an analogy is in order here. Helen Clark, in an interview with the same rag, blithely announces her intention to have Cash Converters pop round to Te Papa and make her an offer on a few of the works "rotting away" in there. When questioned, she (or rather her spindoctors) say it was "personal opinion". Would she get away with it? Alright, she basically got away with signing a painting she didn't do... but you see our point.

Example 10
An article, “Laws Plans Art Sale”, in the Sunday Star Times, published 19 December 2004. It was resolved this was again a personal comment by the Mayor and no response was necessary.

Ummm, let's deconstruct this for you, Dotty. Laws (the Mayor of Wanganui) plans (not an opinion, an intention) art sale (i.e. flogging off public assets). Let's try another analogy: "McKinnon plans Civc Square strip show". Mere opinion? Or a clear statement of a dubious intention likely to call your official position into disrepute (and cause widespread nausea throughout the lower North Island)?

These, by the way, are examples from just one of the complainants. Unfortunately, almost all the complainants also missed the mark, complaining not only of things said by the Diva in his columnist or talkback host capacities, but even complaining about things said by other people. That certainly made it easier for the Council to dismiss the complaints (and for the Diva to defend himself by alleging irrelevance). But it doesn't excuse the Council from considering those complaints that did have substance - and clearly many did.

More on this later, as it seems the longer blog entries don't get commented nearly as much as the pithier examples, and we do want some interaction here (yes, even with you, John B!).

Meanwhile, fascinating to see Dotty getting so excited about "Wanganui Inc". Almost every time "Inc" has been attached to something by politicians, it's ended in tears (and more than a whiff of corruption). In fact a few states in Australia have some unstuck with their "Incs"... first Queensland, then NSW, and even sleepy Western Australia, where the Labor government of Brian Burke became notorious for "WA Inc" - so much so that the Premier ended up peeling spuds for a stretch. It's even true of student politics.

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Missing the jellybeans...

Even the DominionPost agrees with Laws Watch. In an editorial of the Code of Conduct findings, the newspaper says "Wanganui - something of a backwater in the ledger of provincial towns and cities - knew what it was doing when it opted for Mr Laws as mayor. His reputation preceded him, and voters liked it".

The paper opines that Wanganui voters opted for the Diva of the Ditch because "they perhaps hoped he would put the riverside community on the map, as another one-time outspoken Kiwi has done for Invercargill. Mr Laws, however, is no Tim Shadbolt".

Indeed. Whereas Mr Shadbolt gave the world "Bullshit and Jellybeans", Mr Laws is only half way there.

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I asked you not to tell me that, Chief

The people behind this blog aren't the same as those who lodged Code of Conduct complaints. In fact, we agree with some of the Committee's findings, as you're about to read. But we're not prepared to sit idly by and let anarchy reign, either. And since the Fourth Estate in Wanganui isn't so much a toothless tiger as a whipped pussy, this blog will keep an eye on things. More than one eye, in fact. So, in the best traditions of "Get Smart", let's begin our analysis, shall we?

Max: "Don't tell me Laws actually has a point now and then?"
Chief: "Laws does have a point now and again, Max.
Max: "I asked you not to tell me that, Chief."

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When the good burghers of Wanganui placed their voting forms on their lace-tablecloth covered dining suites and marked their "X" next to the name of Diva of the Ditch (the ditch being, of course, the murky waters of the Whanganui) they presumably knew exactly what they were getting. And if they didn't, well more fool them.

They voted in relatively large numbers for someone who convinced the last Council he had anything to do with that it needed to survey it's citizens. Somehow or other, the survey was undertaken by a company in which the Diva's then missus had a pecuniary interest. Somehow or other, cheques were signed by one "Antoinette Beck", a mysterious chanteuse whom no one ever actually met and who, when it came time for some accountability, had vanished to foreign parts. Or so it was said.

While this excrement storm whirled about his coiffure, the Diva endeavourered to cover the other end of his person by telling porkies to Parliament. Now, while this has in fact become the raison d'etre of that establishment, you're meant to restrict your lying to within the agreed boundaries - your policies, the actual effect of your policies, your coalition intentions... that sort of thing. If you tell fibs about something as grubby as your earnings, well, people might start asking awkward questions about all the other fibs that get told.

So, with much smearing of mascara, and only at the strict insistence of Winnie, the Diva took a dive.

Then there was the secret contract to work for the Great Leader, which both parties denied till the comings and goings of a shadowy lycra-clad figure to Winnie's office were revealed to be none other than the Diva himself (Jenny Shipley was another suspect, but it was quickly realised that the sight of her in lycra would have burned out the eyes of any witnesses). The Cone of Silence had sprung a leak.

The mere presence of the Diva was enough to erode Winnie's support to a level requiring the pollsters to calculate a margin of error to the margin of error. Thus that backdoor foray into politics quickly ended in tears, as so many of the Diva's such ventures seem destined to do.

Then there was a book or two (available now in the remainder bin of your local bookstore, right next to the Richard Simmons cookbook).

Then someone in the meeja had the bright idea of hiring the Diva to write opinion columns. Much as he may wish he was, Dorothy Parker he ain't, but regardless of the prose quality the assignment is to write opinion. Once, when newspapers pretended an interest in something greater than the goings-on in the Big Brother House and the latest haircut of an English footballer, opinion did need to be backed up by fact. But not any more. Thus, columnists can attempt to draw attention to themselves with silly ranting about book-burning, for instance, and not be brought to heel by their editors, who are too busy searching the newswires for the latest nipple-slip shot of some footballer's wife who used to be a mediocre pop singer.

And do we really have to explain talkback radio? It's the job of the host to steadily lower the intelligence level to a point where the terminally unemployed or elderly, the bitter and housebound are motivated to call. You don't hear universities advertising their MBA courses do you? You hear that stuff squished from bumble bees can cure your impotency and that shining bright lights on your head can make your hair grow. And you expect the host of such a programme to keep to facts and spout logic?

The Diva had these jobs before you denizens of the ditch ever employed him. Perhaps compulsory reading of said columns and being strapped to a chair and subjected to an hour or so of loopy ranting ought to have been compulsory before making your "X", but it wasn't. So you either knew, and marked your "X" anyway, or didn't - in which case it's still your fault.

It may well be the Diva's behaviour in the spotlight suggests that of a monkey keen on exploring the artistic possibilities of it's own excrement, but he was chucking it about when elected.

So what did the complainants expect when they whinged about some of what he was throwing around? That the Committee would order him to give up his livelihood? That they'd be appointed some sort of Editorial Committee, to make sure every opinion accorded with their own? Or perhaps that he'd be fitted with one of those training devices whereby every time he made a naughty statement, they could press a button and deliver a shock to some tender part or other?

Like it or not, when he's not being Mayor and not talking about events in Wanganui, it's nobody's business, really, other than those who choose to waste their coin on a third-rate newspaper or rub themselves with squashed bumblebees and thus support Radio for the Intellectually Inadequate.

And the fact that more than a few of the comments he makes in that capacity suggest a lack of suitability for the job of dog catcher let alone Mayor, is just tough. You had plenty of warning.

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Did someone say "freedom of speech"?

Code: A system of symbols, letters, or words given certain arbitrary meanings. (courtesy of Dictionary.com)

Code of Conduct: A system of rules given certain arbitrary meanings by the Wanganui City Council.

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Allow us to pause a moment and offer a small furry animal in sacrifice in thanks for the existence of the NZ Bill of Rights. Indeed, let us chant as we do the passage from the Human Right's Commission helpful little explanatory booklet on the Bill, waved about by His Worship at the Code of Conduct hearings and reprinted, in part, in the Council's findings, to wit:

• "There are very few activities that will not be protected by the freedom of expression because most human activity has an expressive element (including political, artisitic and commercial expression).
• Speech or an expression that is considered important to the ability of individuals to participate in core democratic processes, for example in elections, and political and social speech, is likely to enjoy a very high degree of protection.
• A fundamental aspect of the right of freedom of expression is that it extends to protecting all information and opinion, however unpopular, offensive or distasteful.”

So here we are, following the shining example of the Commission, the Council and indeed His Worshipfulness himself, and participating in a core democratic process - namely watching the activity of one M Laws esq - and basking in the high degree of protection promised us by these exalted and worthy persons.

So stay tuned, gentle reader, for a point-by-point critique of the Council's Code of Conduct findings. Starting with the question "Who is this mysterious McQuarrie Bank of whom they speak, and could it have anything to do with that well-known Australian financial institution Macquarie Bank?"

Note: No small furry animals were harmed in the making of this post.

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