Diva gets Fahd off

Remember back in August when the Diva decided the death of an old Middle Eastern despot wasn’t good enough reason for the Guyton St flag to flutter at half mast?

He clearly didn’t agree with Tony Blair, Diva of Old Blighty, who was effusive in his praise of the late otherwise-unlamented Saudi:

"King Fahd was a man of great vision and leadership who inspired his countrymen for a quarter of a century as king, and for many more before that," Blair said in a statement.

That whole "jailing for six and 10 years each three academics who signed a petition calling for elections" thing, not to mention that "giving 100 lashes to people protesting anything I do or say" thing as well as many other indiscretions of Fahd and the entire Royal Family weren't mentioned in Blair's statement. Well at least he didn't marry Camilla.

In fact, the Saudis themselves made much less fuss then Blair. There was no mourning period, government offices stayed open and flags remained at full mast.

That's because the House of Saud practises one of the strictest codes of Islam known as Wahhabism - favoured by Osama bin Laden - which frowns upon public displays of grief.

So really, in refusing to do anything in Wanganui, the Diva was honouring the King, in a roundabout way, though we're sure he didn't realise it at the time. The flag went to half mast in the first place only because a WDC staff member was doing it by the book and following a Ministry of Culture and Heritage flag raising and lowering advisory.

Today, sanity prevailed and the council decided that "the CEO in consultation with the Mayor decides those occasion when the New Zealand flag is flown at half-mast from council buidlings".

But never one to miss an opportunity, Cr Ray Stevens wanted to know why a portrait of Her Majesty, the Real Diva of Old Blighty, had disappeared from the council chamber at about the same time the Diva of the Ditch joined the pantheon of former Mayors in the black and white portrait gallery around the chamber walls.

A Mexican wave of giggles and sniggers made its way around the meeting room, but stopped abruptly when it met the mayoral throne. The issue was swiftly shovelled off a committee meeting after the mayor pointed out it had nothing to do with the agenda item on flag protocols.

We're sorely tempted to insert the obvious comparison here, but even LawsWatch has it's limits.

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Taking a dive

What use an aquatic facility without a diving pool, specially when your divers are top class? That's what Watchers are asking today after awakening to the news that the Splash Centre won't have a diving well.
A worried Watcher has asked "How much does it depend on the council being able to sell enough property to put its share on the table?" Entirely dependent, if the Council minutes for 15 December 2004, which we reported at length elsewhere, are to be believed:

The capital funding allocated in the LTCCP for 2005/06 for the Splash Centre extension has been excluded from this Annual Plan, as it will be funded from the sale of non-performing or under-performing Council assets (land and property).

The Council intends to fund the Splash Centre extension and the city waterfront development from the sale of non-performing or under-performing Council assets (land and property). These properties were advertised concurrently with the annual plan. The Splash Centre and riverfront development will be funded from future asset sales. Neither the asset sale proceeds nor the capital costs are included in this Annual Plan.

Total costs were then estimated $4,000,000 with a rise in annual operating costs from $334,000 to $825,000.

Another Watcher asked "I hear the splash centre people are a bit demoralised at all the hoops they seem to have to jump through to get some real progress. Wasn't there some sort of December deadline to being construction?" Not quite. The plan in December 2004 was that:

"Subject to the Community confirming the Splash extension as their first preference and all the funding being in place, the Council will be in a position to accept the lowest tender from July 2005 and the extension should open its doors as early as July 2006".

Tenders for construction? As far as LawsWatch is aware, there aren't even finalised working drawings, let alone tenders being let. So don't plan on dipping your toes into the new pool in nine month's time.

Perhaps it's that awkward matter of the Diva having made promises he expects others to pay for, quantified in that December 2004 report as $2 million:

At present [December 2004] there is a $2,000,000 shortfall in funding which will need to be raised before work can be commenced.The timeframe for the project is six months for finalising the design and 12 months for the physical works until the doors are officially opened to the public.

So who's paying? Well, according to Ian McGowan's response (on 29 April 2005) to a Watcher's enquiry, it's the Splash Centre's problem, not Council's, at least insofar as covering the increased operating costs:

"Mayor Michael Laws says... additional operating expenses of the two major projects (i.e. the Sarjeant Gallery and Splash Centre Extensions) would need to be borne by the organisations responsible for running the facilities and not by the Council. Council's contribution is the capital funding and proponents of some projects may need to cut their cloth as a consequence".

But what of the shortfall in construction? Other than talk of asset sales, there doesn't seem to be a plan apart from the Diva's promise to personally help raise funds in some unspecified way.

Meanwhile Splash proponent John Unsworth (who can't be bothered answering the seven simple questions we put to him by email in September) was relentlessly upbeat, as befits the "good news" paper:

Discussing funding, John said the Powerco Community Trust’s contribution of $500,000 had been a tremendous start, and the Wanganui District Council had committed $2.5 million over two years, with $1.25 million available from July 1. So he hoped the project would be kicked into life this year.

The extension was a council asset and project and the Wanganui Splash Centre Development Committee would work with council to find the necessary funding. Work on the extension could begin by the end of the year, John said, "and by 2007, hopefully, it will be operational."

So have they had a cheque for $1.25 million in their hands since July? Surely much would have been made of the hand-over of such a sum, since the Diva has never been backward in coming forward at such events as his antics this weekend proved.

And Mr Unsworth's definition of "operational" seems not to include any facilities for Wanganui's brilliant divers.

The first piece of cloth has been cut from the Diva's coat. More no doubt will follow. When they're all gone, will some small child, we wonder, divine that the emperor has no clothes?

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They seek us here...

We rarely get time to shuffle idly through the depths of our log files, but when we do the results are always fascinating. As well as data like visitor numbers, they also tell us what people were searching for when they found us from places like Google, Yahoo and Altavista.

Most people are simply searching for "LawsWatch", a few for "Michael Laws", and some for other people mentioned here from time to time. Not a single Councillor though - but people like Dave Foster, Carla Donson and Jodie Dalgleish, there's at least one person out there on the Internet looking for you.

What we found especially interesting were the other search terms people used to find us:

• "Michael Laws" & "disrepute" (our personal favourite, naturally)
• "Genetic deficients" (a tourist on their way to Raetihi, perhaps?)
• "Antoinette" (good luck finding her - no one else ever could)
• "Splish splash I was taking a bath all around the Saturday night" (a sorely disappointed Bobby Darin fan, no doubt)

and, most puzzlingly of all:

• "Load of dribble"

We know how they found us on that last one (thanks to this post) but why on earth would anyone search for dribble, let alone loads of it?!

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Daze of our lives

The first anniversary of the Mayoral swearing has passed... sorry, that should read swearing in... without the appropriate commemorations.

But not here on LawsWatch. We thought we'd mark the event by a look at happenings around town this weekend...




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Yes it's that time again

Time for another caption contest, that is. The, err... lurid... pants have already been commented upon in earlier posts, but we're sure Watchers can come up with suitable captions for this intriguing picture of Muzza Hughes in somewhat unusual attire.

Our offering: "No Muzza, we're not giving you an award, you've read it wrong. It says 'Muzza Hughes, out, standing in his field'."

Update (6.00pm): LawsWatch would like to apologise for the lack the normal levels of ill-considered abuse but the Diva is otherwise engaged ruining the romance and solitude of Virginia Lake, not to mention ruffling the ducks' feathers and making the longsuffering volunteers want to drown themselves in the deep end. Normal service will be resumed as soon as he gets back to the keyboard.

The Virginia Lake Trust have raised $140,000 for improvements which included developing the lakeside area so that people with pushchairs and wheelchairs now have access to the lake front.

"These people have donated a lot of their time and money to this project", says the Diva. "Without them, none of this would have been possible." We couldn't agree more.

People who pledge to donate money and then actually do it?! We hope the Diva's taking notes as he cuts the ribbon and then enjoys the hospitality of these hard-working volunteers (and what was it he said about local volunteers again?) during a function at the Lake View Restaurant.

Update: Our picks of the caption attempts:

They're putting the factory here
Muzza said To Annette "Be a dear
When they lay the foundations
Wet concrete's our salvation
If we bash Mickey just 'hind the ear."

"Michael said I could only be on the hearings committee if I refused to take the money. Well, I guess being on the front page of the Chron helps make up for that"

"These are the proofs of Colin's new book, Annette. Doesn't he say lovely things about Michael?"

"Why yes, Cr Main. He was looking like death warmed up today and when I asked him
whether he was ill, he said he'd been up all night on the blog, whatever that is"

"I think that's Antoinette Beck's signature there, isn't it?"

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And it's goodnight from him

And so, at at 10pm on Thursday October 27, Watchers in Porritt St Wanganui, looked out their windows and saw the lights going out on yet another mayoral day at the office, the morning spent in frantic self-promotion on Radio Lifeless, the afternoon spent micro-managing the Council staff (how did they manage before the Diva, we wonder?), the dawn hours and the evening spent, as usual, pouring scorn and abuse on all who would dare question his reign...

Anonymous said...

That was fun - you guys are really easy to stir up. Now my fun completed I'm going to sign off until my next trip here.

10:00 PM, October 27, 2005

To which a weary Watcher riposted:

Anonymous said...

anonymarimickey: I'm going to sign off until my next trip here.

Has Leo got the timer set, Mickey? Is that part of the domestic harmony deal you have cut? Like the dogs on the beaches curfew, really, isn't it? See you back here at the usual time tomorrow a.m. then, Mickey. But they'll love this at Guyton St in the morning ... don't you guys?

10:04 PM, October 27, 2005

Once upon a time...

...at a local government conference, the Deputy Mayor of a small and rather insignifcant town - whom we'll call... Dimwitty - and the Mayor of a slightly larger city to the South - whom we'll call... Tom - might have had a conversation that went something like this:

Tom: Grab a pew, Dimwitty. Sorry about the concrete mixer, just don't get any on your frock, eh.

Dimwitty: Thanks Tom. Gee, you sure have a vibrant place down here. The Southland Museum and Art Gallery is spectacular. But I was surprised to see you also have the Anderson Park Art Gallery as well.

T: Heh, yeah, I prefer the Hokonui Moonshine Museum myself, eh, but they tell me even Gore manages to put on a good display at the Eastern Southland Gallery. A few Ralph Hotere works, even.

D: I think I've seen a magazine about him in our boss's office. At least, it had Ralph's first name on it. Wow all that art. But according to our boss, you can only have art at the expense of other things. So no footpaths in your town then, Tom?

T: (looking askance) Geez Dimwitty, it's only morning tea time, eh. Bit early to start on the gin isn't it? Look, if it's these gumboots I wear with the Mayoral chain that's confusing you, I keep saying, it's only in case I find a patch of wet cement to play in.

D: Well, inadequate swimming pools then, surely? I mean with all that money wasted on art...?

T: I hate to keep bringing Gore into it, Dimwitty, but even they have a top class swimming pool and if you prefer your water a little cooler, an ice rink. As for us, we have Splash Palace, which has an Olympic sized swimming pool, swirl pool, steam room and café, as well as a children’s wave pool and hydro slide, eh. Anyway, what dimw... sorry, what nincompoop told you that lots of public money gets wasted on art? Most collections are donated, you know. Often the gallery buildings themselves are. All that Councils have to do is look after it, eh.

D: But... you're not saying you can run a city with a Council and its community in harmony? Our boss tells us divide and rule is the only way to get things done. That way you have a small vocal minority who cheer your every move because they're contrarian by nature, a small vocal minority who oppose your every move because they're fed up with your attitude, and a majority who just keep out of it and vote for whatever looks like being in the best interest of their chequebook.

T: Well I don't know where you're from Dimwitty, but down here the Civic Theatre has just been completely refurbished with community money. By working with your ratepayers, you can actually achieve quite a lot. I mean we've got an excellent Youth Council which helps ensure that even our youngest residents get a say...

D: Oh, we're working on one of those too. They seem awfully complicated though. Like those art gallery boards and other things. It's funny, our boss makes all these ill-considered remarks, often promising to fund things personally, then everyone gets all upset when nothing happens and no money actually gets handed over. Then he steps back in and sets one group working against the other, and still people aren't happy. But they don't seem to understand, he's only ever got anywhere by working against other people. "A victory isn't worth having unless it's at someone else's expense" - that's the little slogan we all say in unison at the end of our secret meetings.

T: You have secret meetings? Do you think it's really a good idea to decide things in secret and then show up to meetings and just railroad stuff through? We're elected to these positions, after all. Your boss sounds like a bit of a Diva to me.

D: Hmmph! Well my boss says you're a buffoon who ran for mayor because you needed the money, so what would you know? And he says you abandoned your city to throw your lot in with that Winston bloke. And lost! So there.

T: Did he also mention that he abandoned the party under whose banner he got elected to throw his lot in with that Winston bloke? And didn't even get to lose because he had to resign almost as soon as he arrived?

D: Errr... well when we ask about that - or about anything, really - he gives us this kind of look... yes, just like that one you're giving me now, you've captured it perfectly! That mixture of incredulity and mounting disgust.

T: I think it's time to go, Dimwitty. But tell your boss if he's ever down this way, we'd be honoured to receive an official visit. We normally give all our visitors a parting gift, and we've already picked his: a pair of comfy shoes, made right here in Invercargill. In fact, I made them myself!

D: I didn't know you were into arts and crafts, Tom? I thought you only worked in cement?

T: Exactly, Dimwitty. Exactly...

Update (4.14pm): A visit to the newly launched Statisphere site brought forth this interesting graph. A larger proportion of Southlanders visit art galleries and museums than do those in Wanganui/Manawatu. Southland is, in fact, second only to Wellington in terms of residents' interest in art and culture it seems (reasons for not visiting are here, but not broken out into regions, alas. And of course the choices were limited to the options given). Multivariate analysis reveals:

...education was the main variable in whether or not people visited museums or galleries. People who held either tertiary or secondary qualifications were more likely than those who did not to have visited a museum or gallery (53 percent compared with 34 percent). The level of qualification held was also important. A greater proportion of people with tertiary qualifications had visited a museum or gallery than people who held a secondary qualification (56 percent compared with 47 percent). For people who held a tertiary qualification, sex was the next most important variable, with more females than males having visited a museum or gallery (61 percent compared with 52 percent).

So it seems we can conclude people who don't like art are rather stupid blokes ;-D

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Signs of confusion

So the diVision banner is to stay outside the supposedly neutral Mayoral office, says the Diva.

Back from his Australian sojourn and looking for a fresh stoush, he's informed us that it gives a "very strong message" that he is "a reformist mayor with a reformist agenda, endorsed by the good people of Wanganui at the 2004 elections".

It also reminds us that for the Diva, the politics never stops, and the insignificant nuances of blatantly using a public office (the Mayoralty) and a public office (the Mayoral office) to further political ends are "petty" and irrelevant.

But... didn't Dotty promise to have it taken down?

Oops, yes she did. Further underlining her unsuitability for the position of Deputy Mayor in a Laws-led Council, it seems she forgot that the normal customs don't apply when the Diva's in charge.

Well, "good people", we're sure that such a reformist zeal will put other political leaders to shame. We await with eagerness the "Vote Labour" signwriting on the side of Ministerial LTDs, the colourful party rosettes our Parliamentarians will henceforth wear when going about their official duties, the day the doors of Bellamys are flung open to paying diners with all proceeds going to Labour HQ, and of course the day when all public buildings stand as reminders of the fleeting electoral promises made by their inhabitants!

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And um, carry the one...

We'll admit to just a soupçon of geekiness here at LawsWatch HQ (in a cave somewhere behind the water tower), so we find stuff this like this fascinating:What is it, you ask? It's a mathematical formula which calculates exactly how much it costs to buy a vote.

Now we're not certain that the Diva's grasp of algebraic notation is any better than that possessed by LawsWatch, but we're sure he's figured it out instinctually as we head towards the lolly scramble that's known as Buy-election day.

No candidates have yet come out of the woodwork – hardly surprising given nominations don’t close for a month.

So far talk about town has been of Phillipa Baker-Hogan and Allan Anderson as possible Vision contenders, and John Martin, Margaret Campion and Carla Donson as challengers. Jodie Dalgliesh is frequently mentioned but is thought to be unlikely to be interested.

Obviously it’s no coincidence that GK Taylor’s resignation was withheld till September 30 because that meant the election could not be scheduled till after the Christmas/New Year holiday period. And that the first available date would be February 10.

So, that means that nominations don’t close till practically Christmas Eve – when everyone’s mind is on other things, if indeed they’re even in Wanganui. We’ll be hearing a lot of Laws-fuelled Bread and Circuses propaganda for the referendumb items and for the Boxing Day Jimmy Barnes Concert, the January 24 River Queen Premiere, and last but not least the Mayoral Mile to be held on February 11, the last day for voting.

Then of course the Diva has announced that the candidates will be listed on the same tick-the-box form as the referendumb issues, just so there will be no doubt that this is the pork-barrel buy-election of the century.

Here are the by-election dates:

25 November 2005	Nominations open
23 December 2005	Nominations close/roll closes
20-25 January 2006	Delivery of voting documents
11 February 2006	Noon, voting closes

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Oink if you're happy

After venting about all manner of sexual proclivities from chastity to masturbation in his latest Sunday rumination, the Diva gets onto a subject about which even we acknowledge his deep and abiding expertise - pork barreling:

And there's nothing better for an errant MP than pork-barrelling. It's like returning from a night out burgling and sharing the ill-gotten gains with all your mates / electorate the next morning. You become a mini-godfather, I discovered. All manner of individuals and delegations flood your office seeking special favours.

Good for the errant MP and even better for the errant mayor, it seems. For the Diva is not above doling out the porcine favours with the best of them if he thinks it can win a vote or three. Plenty of this went on in Hawkes Bay, but since we're advised to forget the past, pretend the Diva has a clean slate, to move on, to forgive and forget (enough - Ed) then perhaps it's time for a brief history lesson just of the last year's pork barrel promises, made good and otherwise:

• The "nil" rates rise (delivered for some but not for others)
• The Film Festival (a personal $20k promised but never delivered)
• The River Queen premiere (just where is all that outside money?)
• The whole referendumb farce - swimming pools, footpaths etc (promised but, in the main, not delivered - yet, anyway)
• The main street Mayoral office (yes, that again)
• Jobs for the girls (Spin Fairy, Fairy Godmother) and boys (Nygllhuw Morris at Wanganui Inc, buying Rangi Wills with a Wanganui Inc seat etc)
• Cash splash at the bowls opening - and no doubt others (while he donates some of the Mayoral salary to such things, pork barreling it is nonetheless).
• And so on... (Watchers may care to add to the list in comments)

With a by-election handily scheduled to coincide with a fun-fest of concerts, the Mayoral Mile etc., it seems the smell of bacon in the air isn't solely from the breakfast grills of Wanganui's many fine cafes.

Meanwhile, could there be any connection between Dotty's promise to "find somewhere else" to store the large Vision sign that's appeared outside the Mayoral office and her determination to supervise Guy Fawkes bonfires at Castelcliff? Surely not.

And as commenters have noticed, could there possibly be a connection between the lack of off-topic, irrational and just-plain-abusive comments and the Diva's reputed absence overseas? Again, surely not.

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Guyton Street

(as adapted from "Chestnut Street" with abject apologies to John Mellencamp)

Well I've lived and breathed and been disbelieved
in these small town streets too long
I've been up with the winners and down with the s.i.n.ers
And run round in lycra at dawn
And my hands they have been tied
To a life I've been denied
I'm just a small town boy usin' others like toys
And workin' from nine to five*

By the end of the day, all the kids would go play
And I'd come staggering home
With a dream in my hand and a master plan
That wouldn't leave my mind alone
I compromised others with my schemes
And stepped on their dreams
I'm just a small town boy usin' dimwits like toys
And nothing is like it really seems

(bridge)

But you must believe that when I walk down the tracks
The Lawsmob fall back and say
There goes that sleek young silhouette
He don't show no respect
To anyone who don't have red neck

And that's my only redemption in this house of detention
That keeps me from simply blowin' it all away
'Cause when I walk down the street in the hot summer heat
I say, God don't take this power away

I keep hopin' and wishin' that these divisive positions
Gonna help me hide my pain
And all the hurt that I've felt underneath self-satisfied smirk
Of not finding fortune and fame
But some day I'll blow 'em away with the things that I may sing and might say

I'm just a small town boy usin' fools like my toys
And waitin' for my pay dirt day

I'm just a small town boy playin' with my toys
And waitin' for my pay day

* Three days a week. Unless something more important happens, like a chance to have my picture taken.

(Our thanks to the musically inclined Watcher who suggested this adaption)

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Sue has a dream but Whanganui has a nightmayor

Forty-two years ago, Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech ignited the passions of his 250,000-strong audience and acted as a wake-up for hundreds of millions more.

Today, in Committee Room 2 Cr Sue Pepperell presented her dream of a place where the “dominant” culture respects the culture and value of the earliest settlers. Where petty, ephemeral political posturing is denied the ability to wreck a gradual, hard-won progress towards the kind of community many like to think can thrive in Aotearoa.

Sadly, her impassioned plea to keep the Whanganui H debate off the referendumb fell on the mostly glazed, Diva-doped skulls of a majority of those who pose as "leaders" of this place. The black and white minstrel chorus of McGregor, Dahya, Lindsay, McKinnon, Stevens and Hughes found it convenient, even in the absence of the Diva, to ignore Cr Pepperell’s warning of the potential division ahead as Michael Laws pours his own brand of high octane fuel on the simmering embers of Moutoa Gardens.

Some classic quotes from Sue P: Putting H on the referendumb is "disingenuous"… "farcical"… "using democracy as a tool to marginalise Maori"... "we were not elected to just represent the majority, but the whole community"... "It was the mayor who proposed it and I’ve said to his face I think it was unnecessary and provocative to put it out there".

LawsWatch salutes Cr Pepperell and those who supported her in voting to keep the H off the tick-the-boxes farce – Crs Bullock, Westwood and Wills. To the rest, we hope you get a bad case of indigestion when you realise just how well you have served Laws’ second-year strategy of a racial donnybrook to rival Paikatore - guaranteed to land him on the 6pm headline news and to cause further scars that will still be healing long after he and his diVision mates and hangers-on have slunk off into political oblivion.

---

THE RIVER QUEEN jinx continued its merry run as Deputy Dot ordered a command preview for councillors. A feisty laptop ignored Fairy Godmother Jenna Lee’s attempts at technological superiority. Sensing Miss Lee’s growing frustration, Cr Ray Stevens offered some helpful advice: You can always throw it out the window – it’s been done before. Now, what can he have been talking about, we wonder.

---

REFERENDUMB chickens are coming home to roost in Visionville. A suggestion that proceeds from selling "non performing assets" be used to cover a $110,000 shortfall in funding for the proposed riverbank walkway development got shot down in flames with Crs Bullock and Westwood leading the charge. As they pointed out, the Diva's generous promise to flog off assets to fund any damn thing that won enough ticks on the referendumb is just a load of pie in the sky. That swimming pool oughta have first call on any ready cash, said Cr Bullock. And Cr Westwood laid it on the line: "assets" may have more value than the ready cash this Flog It! mayor is chasing. So, it’s back to the drawing board for the riverbank funding and hopefully a lesson chalked up for the non-thinking members of the Vision caucus.

---

Update (7.10 pm Friday): If anyone would like a copy of Sue Pepperell's speech notes, please email us at lawswatch-at-hotmail-dot-com and we'd be happy to forward you a copy.

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Lights, camera... egos

Well "A Game of Three Losers" (as some Watchers unkindly refer to it) kicked off last night.

As Jane Clifton remarked "There's a popular little business operating in Wellington that takes working folks' suburban pets for daily mass adventures to keep their brains active, their noses wet and their tails wagging. It's called Where Dogs Go to Have Fun. Now we know that Prime's subtitle is, Where Celebrities with Iffy Futures Go to Have Fun. For Paul Holmes, Mike Hosking and Michael Laws are to host the latest Touchdown shock jock show, a current affairs quiz in the manner of Game of Two Halves, on Prime. What a nice little adventure for them, to stop their ears and tails drooping from our neglect."

Over on TV3, many more people than tuned in for the antics of Holmes et al were watching "The 4400", that series about people supposedly abducted from earth and returned years later. Leaving aside the more pressing questions such a scenario would raise - like, just where do aliens go to order 30 gross of anal probes? - it's interesting to speculate on the adjustment one would need to make in such circumstances (and we don't just mean sitting on the haemorrhoid cushion for a few weeks).

What would people returned from outer space after, say, a decade away make of last night's effort on Prime?

Small Bewildered Child: Mummy, isn't that the man we used to sit before the TV and watch in absolute rapt silence every weeknight after Richard and Judy told us all we needed to know about the world?

Mother: Yes dear, I believe it is.

SBC: And that other man. I recognise his voice I think. He used to be on the radio, he'd ask all those really important people like that Mrs Shipley those really hard questions. They said he was rude sometimes, but it was always fun listening.

M: Yes dear, it was.

SBC: And that other man, mummy? Isn't he the one who got into lots of trouble? I remember you used to scold me that if I kept throwing tantrums and telling fibs I'd turn out just like him.

M: My goodness! I do believe you're right! Well I never, they haven't caught him yet.

SBC: But what are they doing mummy? This isn't TV1 or even TV3. And they're talking about the news, but not with anyone important, only with each other. Do you think that's because none of the important people will talk to them any more?

M: I suspect so, dear.

SBC: Or maybe people just got tired of watching them, like when Play School got boring for me when I started to grow up. It's weird though, it's like they don't know their jobs have finished and they're just sitting round talking because they don't want to go home. Kind of like that old lady in that book we had to study when reading and writing was what teachers taught instead of us all having to pass advanced political activism to graduate from primary; that Mrs Haversham. They're all kind of covered in cobwebs waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

M: Indeed not, though you seem wise beyond your years my child. Did the little grey people do anything odd with you? On second thoughts, let's not go there.

SBC: It's like when I go to a friends place and have so much fun and you have to come and get me and take me home. Do you thinking someone's coming to take them away, mummy?

M: I'd say it's almost inevitable, sooner or later, dear. But don't worry, I'm sure there's still Judy and Richard. Some things will never change. Talking of change, change the channel, I'm bored already...

We were, however, thrilled to note that the only participant whose career isn't on a downward trajectory, Mr Mikey Havoc (not to be confused with Mickey's havoc) noted that the Diva's "enemies" refer to him as... well, the Diva.

We feel certain that Mr Havoc will join the Diva in his quest to "promote Wanganui" and, realising as the Diva does that the only way to promote the city is to relentlessy promote its Mayor at every opportunity, will wear the LawsWatch T-shirt we're dispatching him with pride on an upcoming episode.

Especially when he sees, courtesy of the LawsWatch technicians here at Cave Central, just how buffed, cut, and indeed hip he will look upon donning it for the cameras.

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The ghost of poison past

Oh dear. Seems the new Minister of Local Government is none other than Mark Burton.

Admittedly Burton wasn't alone in being subject to the kind of poison the Diva spread during his ill-fated days in Wellington, but clearly wasn't impressed at one particularly nasty rumour (which we won't repeat here), as this exchange during the First Reading of the Customs and Excise Bill back in 2003 illustrates:

Rt Hon Winston Peters: Ah yes, the member should tell us why he left boarding school. He should not try to be smart.
Hon Mark Burton: I wasn't at boarding school.
Rt Hon Winston Peters: Oh yes, the member was. He should not enter the debate if he cannot handle it.
Hon Mark Burton: Don't misquote Michael Laws' nasty little stories about attending boarding school - he got the wrong man.
Rt Hon Winston Peters: I did my research. Why is the member so embarrassed? If Laws is wrong, why is the member so embarrassed?
Hon Mark Burton: I'm not embarrassed. I was never at boarding school.
Rt Hon Winston Peters: Methinks he protests too much.

Considering that several of the Diva's grand schemes require the acquiesence of the Minister for Local Government, LawsWatch would pay good money to be a fly on the wall during those meetings.

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Itching to talk aitch

Thanks to Watchers, Council meetings are rivalling the River Queen "premiere" and Mayoral Mile as must-see events. Committee Room 2 has been packed to the gunwales for recent committee meetings, and the council is not only running out of room, but also chairs.

So to save the council the bother of seating all those Watchers who thought to turn up at tomorrow's Strategy Committee meeting for Item 4 - the "redebate" of the debate-that-wasn't on whether the H should be included in the buy-election/referendumb - we offer the following preview.

First though, a recap. For those who have been on another planet, the Diva (cheered on by the Winston-worshipping sector of the population of Whanga-vague-as) want the chance to say "no" to Ken Mair and the rest of those uppity Maoris. With necks glowing the colour of a Castlecliff sunrise, these Lawsmobbers intend to fight them on the beaches, in the RSAs, and retirement homes. After all, they didn't fight in the war, alongside the Maori Battalion... ummm... to have names that are bastardised, Anglicised Maori spoken properly and... ummm... well... look, these Maoris are just too damn uppity.

However, a lot of hope has been vested in Sue Pepperell, billed by no less than Deputy Dotty as "part-Maori … and I’d like to think that will contribute to cross-cultural understanding in Wanganui. There are no issues that we can’t resolve together, with good communication and good will."

After Sue Pepperell’s brave attempt to stop the Diva pouring a jerry can of inflammable fuel on the fragile race relations of W(h)anganui last month, we might have thought sanity had prevailed – apart from the predictable outpouring of insanity on the letters page of the Chronic.

So, will Cr Sue turn up for tomorrow's "redebate" and how will she feel as she looks around the table and surveys the wreckage of her dreams? According to the agenda for tomorrow’s production, brought to you by Michael Laws Inc, "Councillors McGregor, Dahya, Hughes, Higgie and McKinnon have advised the Chief Executive Officer that they wish the spelling of Wanganui as a Referendum ’06 topic to be redebated".

Let us imagine, for a moment, this cast of zombies strolling down the red carpet to Committee Room 2, for the acting performance of their lives as they explain their desperate need to, just coincidentally, do exactly what the Diva wants:

DON McGREGOR: Well, as everyone knows I’m very keen not to be obliterated so I’ve become quite a crusader against Michael’s plan to scrap all non-Vision councillors. It definitely shouldn’t be on the referendumb because it's a very complex issue and I really don’t want to find myself without a job, despite the fact I've been sucking up to Michael at every opportunity. So why do I want the H to be there? Well, that’s a good question. I’ve been docking lately and I asked the sheep to tick the box as they went through the trough and they all said, "baaa-aah" which any fool knows, means "yes". Sheep... the WDC... I don't see the difference, do you?

RANDHIR DAHYA: Well, as everyone knows I was the highest polling council candidate and everyone comes up to me in the street and tells me what a prat Michael Laws is and I tell them, "Don’t worry, with my help he’ll trip himself up soon". So, when he said to me, "Dear Lord, Randhir, you’re not really going to be your own man on this, are you?" I said, "No, of course not Michael". Just you watch, he’ll trip himself up soon but in the meantime he’s giving me harbour and Kowhai Park and anyway, I really think he’s quite amusing, in a megalomanical way, don’t you?

MUZZA HUGHES: I haven’t said anything meaningful all year and I don’t intend to start now but if those Maoris want a bit of a hand up in the world I’ll be happy to give them a dishwasher.

NICKI HIGGIE: Oh, that’s just lovely, terrific and wonderful. I did say to Michael, "It’s not really as bad as it looks, Michael" and of course, I do love language so, silly me, I thought it seemed like a good idea to get all those lovely, terrific and wonderful people to tell us how lovely, terrific and wonderful the H was. But then Michael pointed out to me that I was being such a silly billy and I’d promised I’d never ever vote on the wrong side… so then I said... well, perhaps I should just say that I’d just love us to do whatever Michael tells us to do… Sorry Sue.

DOT McKINNON: My husband is a lawyer and he told me that Michael’s always right, and I didn’t get where I am today by kow-towing to uppity Maoris. I’ve been watching that River Queen movie and it’s obvious that the Brits won hands-down. Michael's told me that when I'm mayor I can rebuild the stockade and build a fabulous new entertainment establishment on that bit of wasteland down by the river. So let’s start now the way we mean to go on, I say.

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A load of dribble

LawsWatch was thrilled to receive the above communication from the Diva himself. We're sure the Mayoral Mile will be an absolutely thrilling event, and would love to see it made all the moreso for the Diva by a good turn-out of people wearing their LawsWatch t-shirts and other wearable art, so buy now to allow time for delivery from overseas.

In fact we're so excited by the thought of Watchers running round Cooks Gardens that to celebrate we've added a brand new product range to the LawsWatch store! Exclusive merchandise now includes:

• A baby's bib and infant creeper. Yes, now even the youngest Watcher can show their colours.
• An infant/toddler and a kid's t-shirt. There's no reason the Diva should have all the best tantrums - little Watchers will surely throw one if they don't get this attractive new shirt.
• A dog t-shirt. It could be a cunningly veiled reference to Vision policy. Or just a t-shirt for your four-legged friend. You decide.
• Adults and kids hoodies and sweatshirts.
• Adults and kids stylish baseball jumpers with contrast arms in a choice of colours.
• A new stylish cap.
• Plus all the previous merchandise - different styles of t-shirts, mugs, posters, badges, sticker and of course our very own Diva Daks.

Make sure you turn out in style, visit the LawsWatch store today.

Meanwhile, we can't help but wonder just how much this little project is costing and how it's all being paid for? Has the Diva already got money from Wanganui Inc? Who knows? Apparently Jenna Lees (the fairy godmother events manager) is working on this, presumably at the ratepayers' expense and her planned switchover to Wanganui Inc won't happen till after it's over.

The day of this momentous event just happens to be February 11 - buy-election(sic)/referendumb day, so you can countdown to the Mayoral Mile using our handy By-election countdown on the right of this page. Start training now. First prize is a trip to Australia. Second prize, presumably, being two trips to Australia (yes, we know it's old, but we couldn't let it pass).

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We have a dream...

We're reminded by various commenters that Council sets policies. Thanks to a Watcher for this document, which may be a flight of fancy. Then again, it may not.

FROM THE OFFICE OF THE MAYOR:

New accessioning policies for council-controlled organisations.

1. Library

• Purchase 5000 copies each of Demon Profession and Dancing with Beezlebub.
• Display the Vision party policy in the entrance in a manner similar to that used by Te Papa to display the Treaty of Waitangi.
• Hang a flattering portrait of Wanganui's Greatest Leader* in a prominent position.

*Note: This does not mean Chas Poynter. Any staff member who does not know what it does mean should resign immediately, before I get to them. Entirely voluntarily, of course.

2. Sarjeant Gallery

• Sell all art on a list to be provided by the mayor and immediately deposit the proceeds in an account titled "Splash Centre and other mayoral projects"*.
• Display only artworks suitable for telephone book covers.
• Display the Vision party policy in the entrance in a manner similar to that used by Te Papa to display the Treaty of Waitangi.
• Hang a flattering portrait of Wanganui's Greatest Leader (see above) in a prominent position.
• Commission a sculpture of Wanganui's Greatest Leader (see above) for the foyer. (Note: The previously submitted model, with a plasticine mould of my head atop a garden fountain of "little boy peeing" with a relief map of Wanganui as it's base, is not acceptable. If I find out who did it, another voluntary resignation is on the way).

* Note: If I hear the words "pork" and "barrel" used again in relation to these vital and worthy community projects, picked entirely on my whim, there'll be voluntary resignations from morning till night, I swear.

3. Museum

• Sell anything that can be sold and immediately deposit the proceeds in an account titled "Splash Centre and other mayoral projects".
• Display the Vision party policy in the entrance in a manner similar to that used by Te Papa to display the Treaty of Waitangi.
• Mount a display of Wanganui's true treasures. My school photos. My baby photos. That x-ray from the time they thought I might have hurt my knee. A lock of my hair (make sure it's not from the days when I sported an afro, the curliness may lead to unwarranted speculation as to it's anatomical provenance). That mirror frame I made from the corks of all the bottles of Pinot Winston and I shared (on second thoughts, earmark that for the Sarjeant).
• Hang flattering portraits of Wanganui's Greatest Leader and Wanganui's Greatest Deputy Leader (that's Dotty, for you peasants. But do try not to capture that permanently bewildered expression) in a prominent position.

4. Civic Halls

• Sell them all and immediately deposit the proceeds in an account titled "Splash Centre and other mayoral projects".
• Announce exciting new policy initiative: "Open air concerts. And meetings. And bingo." Tell the scouts and guides to suck it up - they're meant to be learning survival skills, aren't they? Meeting outside in a Wanganui winter will sure teach them that.

5. Sports grounds

• Sell them all except Springvale and immediately deposit the proceeds in an account titled "Splash Centre and other mayoral projects".
• All Springvale fields and swimming pools to have portraits of Wanganui's Greatest Leader painted prominently on the turf or pool bottom.

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(Not) having a ball

At the behest of a Watcher we'll endeavour to shed some light on the shadowy depths behind the story on council officers receiving a rap over the knuckles for supposedly exceeding their authority and making a submission on public libraries that hadn't been approved by Councillors.

Sally Patrick, the librarian, is both devoted to her profession and very good at it and the library, as she often says, punches well above its weight (yes, Dotty!).

She's generally thought to have been a Diva devotee and she is very ambitious for the library and particularly supportive of what she thinks the Heart of the City will deliver. Someone, in other words, a sensible administration would be keen to work alongside and develop.

She got her book buying budget slashed by $50,000 in the annual plan but the Diva airly added that library to the growing list of fundraising commitments, promising he'd head up a fundraising group. He's since said they're going to have a masked ball (presumably right after a Vision secret caucus so they don't need to change).

So here's what caused the latest tantrum. At last week's Community Committee meeting there was an item about the Librarians Institute developing a strategic framework for public libraries to help make their case for government funding. Sally, incidentally, is on the working party to develop the framework, which called for submissions from councils.

Submissions closed September 30 and Sally, with Ian McGowan and Nicki Higgie, put together a two page submission with some fairly amorphous stuff about generally supporting the "vision" of the consultation document, while reserving the right to do its own thing to meet specific needs of the Wanganui etcetera.

The agenda item, in the name of Ian McGowan (who wasn't at the meeting) says:

Submissions on the document closed on 30 September 2005. A number of the council's elected members and officers have prepared a submission on behalf of the council which has been forwarded to the authors of the consultation document with the proviso that the submission has not yet been formally endorsed by the council.
... The council now needs to endorse and / or amend the submission

So no commitments made on behalf of Council, a very general two page submission (prepared by a member of the working party carrying out the study, another senior officer and a Councillor) and a clear statement saying it was not policy.

Cue Diva histrionics: "You're now seeking from this committee retrospective approval for making a submission on behalf of the council? The reality is we do not set retrospective policy. We can't endorse this today".

Nicki: "But it was done on the proviso that the submission has not been endorsed by the council."

Then: "It's not as bad as it may look."

Sally (who's desperate to get off to a 6pm meeting by now, smiling sweetly (or was that gritting her teeth?)): "We look foward to your valuable input."

Sue Westwood: "A letter now needs to be written to the working party saying we want time to resubmit."

It could be that Cr Westwood stood fiercely behind the Diva, as some commenters have spun to Watchers. But it sounds to us more like an attempt to side-step a lengthy bout of posturing by the Diva over something that, in the scheme of things, mattered not one whit (sorry, Sally) and move on to more pressing matters.

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Pianos above, squirrels below

The Diva's speech notes from Council's weekend retreat - despite their sparse, bullet-point form - give an insight into his thinking. For those not familiar with the peculiar mix of half-formed ideas (some of which aren't too bad, if only he'd resist the temptation to abuse both people and process in trying to get them implemented) brewed in a soup of vitriol, rant and cant, the following may be considered instructional.

Like a class of university undergrads attempting a post-modernist deconstruction of an obscure text, let's go through some of the highlights (or lowlights, if you'd prefer) of the Diva's thinking.

After characterising Wanganui as amongst the "lesser rank of provincial cities" he then goes on to list the problems facing the district, all of which seem eminently sensible, at least from the perspective of the LawsWatch cave.

It's to be hoped that some of his more... errr... robust followers weren't present to hear the next bit, though, as it appears from many of the comments sprayed round here from time-to-time that the merest whiff of socialism is enough to have at least some of the Lawsmob baying for blood:

Need to reject the hands-off, the market-will-determine model (a recipe for further decline/disintegration)

Then we're treated to an insight into Wanganui BD (Before Diva):

• Dreadful market failure in terms of promotions/events
• Can’t rely on volunteers to pick up pieces (aging/skills)

So those people who've organised events in the past, hang your heads in shame. You failed to live up to Mickey's exacting standards. And you volunteers - you decrepit, unskilled bunch of yobbos, be off with you!

Prioritise (development/amenities) & publicly explain

Explanations! After a year of being treated like the proverbial mushrooms, we're sure Wanganui will be looking forward to those. Next up for careful consideration is Council itself:

End of 'Gliding On' staff mentality

Yes, we've noticed the outbreak of woolly cardies and grey zip-up shoes at Guyton Street. Time to lift your act, people! Lycra bike pants will be handed out at reception, and an annual award will be given to the staff member who does the best impression of a squirrel stuffing away it's nuts. Female staff members will be issued with a squirrel on request. We're sure that staff will be highly motivated by being publicly compared to characters created purely for their comedic value, designed to be gently mocked.

Flatter management structure

With, no doubt, the Diva at the top, micro-managing every aspect of operations, senior staff flattened beneath him (watch out for falling pianos, Dr Warburton) and Council staff the foundations upon which this teetering pygmy pyramid rests.

Monthly all-in meetings between councillors & senior management

If in doubt, hold more meetings we've always said. Not a bad idea though, depending on who'll be doing the talking (ranting, raving, posturing...)

Councillors taking individual responsibility for issues/areas

Oh yes, it's working so well for Nickie Higgie, for instance. Power without responsibility for the Diva (there's always spin and the Lawsmob to save him) and responsibility without power for everyone else.

• Involve community in decision-making (not just Comm Outcomes 2003)
• Let community take ownership of choices & priorities- "community" is not lobby/interest groups

Debate has already commenced on the latter pronouncement, we note. Leaving aside the obvious fact that interest groups are a vital part of a healthy, vibrant community, and that their "interest" is what motivates them to give freely of their time to whatever community activity they feel passionate about; and even leaving aside for the moment the "divide and rule" mentality this conveys, let alone the contempt for passion, the democratic process, the activities represented by such interest groups etc etc... just how does a community "take ownership" of choices in Wanganui PD (post-Diva)?

We suspect the answer from Guyton Street would be... well, unprintable... but roughly translated read "with their shiny new referenda". So no need to engage, no need to discuss, no requirement even to even become informed, just relax, focus on the spinning press release, and tick the little boxes we tell you to tick...

Then we move on to more pragmatic matters - police numbers / River Road / Health etc - till, buried near the end, this piece of logic:

Splash/Riverfront/Footpaths – priorities interesting (not Sarjeant/art)

That's right people, it's footpaths or art - you can't have both. Curse these artists and their raucous insistence we have a duty to preserve gifted art, their elitism is damning us to walking on unpaved kerbs!

That the best cities in the world have art galleries and footpaths (and swimming pools and a vibrant waterfront) doesn't matter when there's a chance to divide and conquer and call it prioritising. After all, faced with a choice of footpaths or art, who wouldn't opt for the former?

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Sound the retreat

It's rather like that old line about the peasants revolting - the Councillors are retreating.

This weekend they're meeting to start thinking about what they need to start thinking about when thinking about the next LTCCP. Or something like that. Admittedly, they're doing it very frugally, for about $4,000 we hear - and that includes a meal tonight for "participants and partners".

The Diva won't be there today, the vital processes of trying desperately to be a "celebrity" once again over-riding the paltry needs of Wanganui. Hopefully they won't start - as many such retreats do - with one of those trust-building exercises where blindfolded people fall backwards into the waiting arms of someone else, because whoever Mickey's meant to catch is in for a rude awakening, and maybe a few bruises. Come to think of it, the result would be much the same whether or not he was there.

Demonstrating his abiding respect for the consultation process, the Diva opines that back in 2003 the WDC "botched the exercise" of formulating an LTCCP, according to the latest Mayoral column. "Since LTCCPs are established every three years, they are essentially detailed plans to get you through that triennium. But the law requires you to look beyond that three years, and plan for the next decade as well", he continues (our emphasis). A whole decade of planning! Clearly, Vision's vision is somewhat myopic.

Details of just what our City elders (and in their eyes at least, betters) got up to this weekend will be "released... at a later date", the Diva says. But he does reveal that topics under discussion will include:

• population projections
• the kind of residents Wanganui will attract and house
• infrastructure development
• new sub-divisions and how to plan for them
• debt issues
• levels of council service
• the equity and efficacy of our rates structure
• Council intervention – what happens when the market fails

We can only wonder what some of the Diva's supporters, who seem to think a Red comes standard under every bed, will make of the last one.

In an attempt to ensure that what really happens doesn't reach the ears of LawsWatch and the populace - as opposed to the Spin Fairy's version (which is probably written already) it's all happening under "Chatham House rules", to "encourage free, frank and fearless debate and discussion" according to the Diva. We can just imagine how frank and fearless the likes of Muzza Hughes are being right now, even as we write this.

While calling down the Cone of Silence to cover the KAOS is standard modus operandi for Vision, what truly frightens LawsWatch comes in an aside to all this talk of serious debate. Talking of his plans to invite Rangitikei Mayor Bob Buchanan to be guest speaker, the Diva reveals:

...a couple of people thought it might be entertaining to have 'a celebrity mate or two' present. I thought about that, the expenses involved, and the Retreat’s purpose … and instead asked Rangitikei’s Mayor Bob Buchanan to be our speaker.

So at least some of the people attending the retreat - who are Councillors and senior Council officers - were desperate to have "a celebrity mate or two" along. They saw a Council planning meeting as, say, a chance to rub noses with Marc Ellis (in the traditional Maori greeting, we mean). No wonder they're prepared to go along with the Diva - they're... well, star struck is one phrase to describe such pitiful individuals. There's another applicable phrase, also starting with "star" - but we're far too polite to use it here.

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The naked truth

Watchers were shocked - shocked, we say! - to see this robust picture of virile manhood (well, not the actual manhood... but you know what we mean) brazenly displayed in recent days, particularly given it's somewhat ironic placement within the pages of Mr Maslin's withered organ:

Quick as a flash, one G Fugle, a regular letter writer, fired off a letter to the editor suggesting the Chron makes a naked Sean going about his duties around town a page two regular feature. Clearly, Wanganui is a town devoid of excitement, at least insofar as G Fugle is concerned.

A much less horrifying idea of Mr Fugle's was a caption contest based on the photo, which he kicked off with: "Slow down Gaylene, you're wearing out my pencil".

We're sure Watchers can see Mr Fugle his caption and raise the stakes...

Update: An alert Watcher has just pointed out the startling resemblance between the gentleman above and the one on the right. We wonder: might they be related?

Further update: Another alert Watcher noticed that Dotty's column in last week's Midweek thoughtfully reminded her avid readership to put their clocks back at the weekend. Sadly, in Diva World we're not only to be scolded for punching above our weight, but we're instructed to be permanently behind the times.

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