The princess & the plonker: a Grim tale

Gather round, Watchers, for a story by the Brothers Grimly.

Once upon a time there was a far-away place by the river with lots of lovely old buildings. On the top of the hill in the middle of the town lived a beautiful princess who had so many books she kept running out of room for them.

Next door to her were some people who lived in a very beautiful old building. They loved paintings and because they were such nice people they were given lots of lovely paintings and they tried very had to look after them but they didn’t have enough room, either.

Down at the bottom of the hill were two more big buildings. One had lots and lots of very old stuff in it and the people who lived there also tried to take good care of their old stuff, but they too had run out of room. Nearby was yet another building where the townspeople liked to gather to make merry fun. Like the other three buildings, this one looked very sad and dirty where once it had gleamed a brilliant white.

“Oh dear,” said the beautiful princess. “What is to be done? I simply must get some more space for all my lovely books but I have no money and those people next door with all those paintings are going to get lots of money so they can make their building bigger and more beautiful while I get none.”

She sighed as she slowly stirred her coffee. A tear trickled down her cheek and dropped into the cup. “If only a handsome prince would come and build me a new palace for my books, I’d be so happy,” she thought.

A sudden gust of cold air rushed into the room and people at the other tables screamed and rushed for the door. A strange little man appeared before her. “One day soon I will be the mayor,” he said, “and because you are such a beautiful princess I will make you the Queen of the Park.”

The princess couldn’t believe her eyes. The scrawny little man was ugly and unshaven, with bright black paint around his eyes. “But how can you be the mayor?” she asked. “You look just like the troll that lives in the bushes on the hill.”

“Just shut up and listen to me, lady, or you’ll be sorry,” snapped the strange little man. “I’ll make your dreams come true. You’ll be Queen of the Park and everyone will have to bow when you pass. But most importantly, I will give you all the gold and silver you need to build a glittering palace for all your books.”

“Oh thank you, mayor,” said the grateful princess. “Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.” She grabbed a pen and a paper napkin and drew a picture of a glittering palace. She showed it to the mayor, who said, “Sure honey, you can have one just like that but first you’ll have to do lots of things for me that will make the peasants hate you.”

The princess grasped the mayor’s knarled and twisted hand. “Oh sire, I’ll do whatever you say.” But then her dream turned into a nightmare. She toiled from morning to night doing whatever the mayor told her and every day she felt the wrath of the people. But she was steadfast and never wavered in her devotion, even when the people laughed and jeered at her and made fun of her plans for the glittering palace.

But worse was to come. The mayor grew tired of her and their glittering palace plans. “Forget it, Princess,” he said with a cruel twist of his ugly mouth. “You and your books are so yesterday. Lady Philippa’s hot, baby, and you’re not. The peasants don’t care about books or art or old stuff. I’ve wasted $250,000 on you and you’re not getting another penny. I’m going to bury your silly palace plans and weave my magic spin for Lady P’s velodrome.” With that he hitched up his green lycra shorts and rushed towards the door.

Suddenly, the princess woke. She had fallen asleep amid her books and she realised the whole thing had been a nightmare.

New Projects Referendum – 2008:

The most far-reaching decision is that the 'Heart of Wanganui' project – and its constituent parts – will go to district-wide referendum in February/March next year. But the projects will compete against other intended capital works to determine their public and funding priority. Those other projects include the Events Centre/Velodrome and the redevelopment of Kowhai Park.

We salute you, Mickey!

As the NZ Listener pointed out last week, its latest Readers’ poll shockingly showed Sir Edmund Hillary to be the most admired New Zealander. This, observed Listener hack Denis Welch, was …

“Another setback in Michael Laws’s campaign to get his face on the $5 bill.”

Here at the Cave, Watchers’ hearts went out to Murray Hughes’s very own hero. What a cruel blow, especially in a week when that very campaign reached a pinnacle (or nadir) of sorts with Mickey’s desperate attempt to convert the awarding of a VC to a New Zealand soldier from Somewhere-other-than-Wanganui into a Michael Laws feature story.

So sad. So desperate. So very very Mickey. So in the spirit of recognising true heroism and humility for what it is, LawsWatch has given Mickey his place in history and put this real Kiwi hero on our Five Dollar Bill. In doing so we right the wrong perpetrated by whichever government flunkeys made the foolish mistake of selecting Ed Hillary when, as Cr Murray Hughes would enthusiastically proclaim, Wanganui has its very own hero.

COMMENTS OF THE WEEK

Michael Laws’ shameless attempt to muscle in on the VC limelight prompted a spate of send-up stories from LawsWatch resident wits who posited that naturally, Taranaki’s tornado headlines must have been hard to resist by the talkback mayor who sees opportunities for self-promotion in the most unlikely places. A sample of winning comments by our anonymii:

"Wanganui needs to have a tornado or two of its own, Mayor Michael Laws said tonight.

AND

Mayor Laws said Council would take action to ban tornados from the CBD. "They are urban terrorists. The previous Council's attitude to tornados was to pretend they didn't exist. They misled Wanganui and this new report from Larry Mitchell will show that they in fact covered up hundreds of tornados. Not this mayor."

STOPPRESS:

Word from Guyton St is that they've lost their nerve about putting the Heart of Wanganui out to referendum in conjunction with the October election and they're retreating to Feb-March 2008. After almost three years of shambolic spending and mayoral meddling the stark political reality is that not even SpinMeister Laws and his tame Guyton St spin machine could turn that turkey into a vote winner.

Muzza shows he’s got what it takes

LawsWatch is pleased to report that Muzza (kennel name Mental Muzza of Guyton) has been named Vision Obedience Club’s Mayoral Lackey of the Year following an outstanding performance on the Wanganui District Council’s website in the past week.

“When I picked him up from the pound three years ago I wasn’t sure he had what it takes,” said his proud owner/trainer Michael Laws. “But persistent training, and persistent use of a very clever electric shock delivering apparatus – well, I’m sure you can guess where – paid off when he obediently put his paw print on the press release I wrote for him last week.”

Muzza, as Mayor Michael fondly calls his faithful companion, narrowly beat out Mr and Mrs G Pleasants’ Killer of St John for the Mayoral Lackey title. Mayor Michael said that though he lacked the killer instinct displayed by the Pleasants’ four-legged friend, Muzza more than made up for it in other areas.

“He’s so well behaved at council meetings, I sometimes forget he’s even in the room. But then his big brown eyes gaze at me across the table and his face screws up in such bewildered fashion, and I realise he’s just waiting for the signal from me to leap into action,” said Mayor Michael.

“I have to confess that I sometimes like to tease him. I give him our secret signal – a half wink – but as soon as he starts barking and growling I push the secret shock button in my pocket and he sits back looking even more hurt and puzzled. I know … I know … it’s cruel and I shouldn’t do it, but holy shit, it IS fun.”

Mayor refutes McGregor & Arts Trust claims - 28/06/07

Mayor Michael Laws today refuted comments by both Cr Don McGregor and the Arts, Culture & Heritage Trust after the council's unanimous decision, during its 2007/8 Annual Plan process, to not renew its $30,000 funding to the Trust.

Allegations by Cr McGregor disputed - 28/06/07

Cr Murray Hughes has disputed many of the issues raised by Cr Don McGregor in his statement (Wanganui Chronicle, 28 June 2007) regarding the funding cut for the Whanganui Arts, Culture and Heritage Development Trust.

* For more on the strange case of WDC, Muzza and dangerous dogs see Carol Jones' Whatsup blog.

Black eyes & baloney in the Blue corner

Watchers with acutely tuned hearing swore they picked up the sounds of former National Party leader Jim Bolger spinning in his political grave last week as Michael Laws celebrated the gullibility of Nat deputy leader Bill English and Nat wannabe top cop Chester Borrows with hilarious photo ops in the local rags.

As an astute commenter reminded us, any politician who comes within a bull’s roar of the Mad Mayor and former Parliamentary Destroyer is condemning themselves to a big dose of political embarrassment and ignominy, along with a certain black eye or two. Above all, anyone with a drop of Blue blood in their veins should know this better than most. As an anonymii reminded us on June 22:

"It's a sad commentary on the lack of institutional knowledge remaining in the National Party that people like Chester and English aren't being reminded what happened to anyone who got within shafting distance of Mickey last time he cultivated the party, ie they duly got shafted.

If John Key has learned anything from his predecessor's flirtation with the Brethren he would do well to apply the lesson to anyone who thinks it's okay to be used for photo opps with Mental Mickey. Compared to the stench that he carries, the Brethren come up smelling like roses.

But as Steve Braunias reminded us in last week’s Sunday Star-Times, Chester may be the biggest rooster in the parliamentary Nats henhouse, but he isn’t exactly the brightest. And Bill English may have fought his way out of the backbench graveyard because John Key needed the numbers, but he’s no stranger to making an ass of himself in ill-conceived political stunts either, as Wikipedia notes:

“By late 2003, however, National's performance in opinion polls remained poor. The party had briefly increased its popularity in the year following the election, but by October its support had fallen to levels only slightly better than what it achieved in the last ballot. English also appeared in a boxing match for a charity against entertainer Ted Clarke. This "stunt" did not boost his polling or that of the National party either, with suggestions that it devalued his image as a serious politician. Don Brash, former governor of the Reserve Bank and a relative newcomer to politics, began to build up support to replace English. While Brash lacked overwhelming popularity, the electorate perceived English as highly ineffectual and prone to embarrassing mistakes. On 28 October, Brash gained sufficient backing in Caucus to replace English as leader."

So when Chester begged his boy pal Bill to come play Gangs-and-Cops with his little friend Michael, one wonders why Bill didn’t opt instead to stay home and update his scrap book with clippings from the last time he stepped in the ring with an “entertainer”.

Instead, he found himself on the ropes and punch drunk. Instead of taking a swing at the Mad Mayor, babbling Bill delivered a wild left hook at Wanganui and showed just how unsuited he is to life in the political ring when he said he'd heard Wanganui is one of the quietest cities in NZ after dark: "Is that because people are too scared to go out?"

Newboy John Key was safely out of the country when Michael Laws was rubbing the Nats’ noses in his political excrement so perhaps he’s blissfully unaware of the sewerage pond that his deputy and big member for Whanganui are wallowing in. Jim Bolger, on the other hand, has never forgiven nor forgotten the time that Michael Laws went through the Tories like a dose of epsoms salts. As he told the 1996 National Party Wellington Division conference in Palmerston North:

“Special greetings to the delegates from Napier and Hawke's Bay where the political spotlight has focused these past few days. Where the New Zealand First politician Michael Laws cheated, covered up, was found out and resigned. There was nothing noble in the resignation, it was forced on New Zealand First in a desperate attempt to stop a sordid story of deceit engulfing the whole of New Zealand First.”

And as an aside, we’d be grateful to any Watchers who might care to enlighten us what dark deeds Bolger hinted at next:

“With the many allegations still around it is a case of watch this space for further developments. Including who, or what, the original cover-up was designed to hide. Who were the "certain people", using Michael Laws' own words, that he was trying to protect from what?”

Meanwhile, Michael and his imaginary friends continue to play his solo game of Stand-or-Not to a chorus of yawns from Castlecliff Beach to Aramoho and beyond. We’ll leave the last word on that to a comment made on David Farrar’s KiwiBlog back in November when Mickey got himself and his kids into Women’s Daze with the breathtaking announcement that he had discovered there was life after politics and his kids were just the best thing since sliced balony. From KiwiBlog:

"I don't think Michael Law's latest break from politics will last very long. Spending more time with the family? Yeah right! He'll be bored stiff. He can get his own talk show on one of TVNZ's new digital channels. Perhaps a NZ version of "Jerry Springer". Or why not combine travel show with reality TV and let Laws holiday in Tonga where he'll be running for his life from a lot of very angry strapping Tongans who may well take offence at his "brown slug" tribute to their former king. Or he could team up with infomercial queen Suzanne Paul and use his considerable persuasive skills to hook us onto a new range of "non-run" mascara."

AND LAWSWATCH MICKEY AWARD FOR COMMENT OF THE WEEK GOES TO:

The first meeting of the Mayoral/Iwi Taskforce on Gangs was held this afternoon. It resolved the following:
* that the taskforce reflect these emphases by changing its name to the Council/Iwi Taskforce on Youth Well-being;

********
Hey Mickey, sounds like you got told where to get off yesterday! What's the matter with those Iwi people -- don't they understand you called it the MAYORAL taskforce because the focus was on YOU? 1:42 PM, June 22, 2007

Watch those stubborn stains

Watchers in the habit of scanning the Chronic’s headlines and quickly passing over anything carrying John Maslin’s byline may have mistaken today’s front-page screamer ‘Banned and bankrupt: What council didn't know about branding man’

At the very least, they might have expected it to explain why the Mack Report was slipped onto the WDC website thirteen days earlier bearing the title: Council inquiry into allegations of improper influence.

They might have expected Senior Reporter Maslin to have included in his story the report’s excerpted email comments purportedly sent from Mr Mack to Chronic managers and editor, such as:

“We would like to see somewhat of a shift in editorial pertaining to Wanganui … We have a fundamental problem with the ‘Wanganui bashing’ that is so prevalent in your publication … for Energy Direct to be seen to support an entity that does not support their views on how Wanganui should be portrayed is not a viable option.”

AND

“As you could imagine, since the WDC is the primary stakeholder for this particular client, their opinions are rather weighted and carry some considerable clout. You must also agree that they do not hold your paper in a very good light, rightly or wrongly, that fact still remains the same and has a great deal of influence on media planning.”

But perhaps the dynamite implications of his own GM’s “allegations of improper influence” just weren’t sufficiently clear to Mas. And he clearly wasn’t able to grasp the extreme irony of omitting entirely the evidence of threats against his organ’s editorial independence. Instead, readers were treated to a SHOCK!! HORROR!! PROBE!! SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into the bankruptcy of Mr Mack – something that could be verified within seconds by anybody with an internet connection.

Meanwhile, back at this blog, a commenter fondly known as anonymickey gently reminded Watchers that ….

’ahem: Wasn't it the mayor who actually made everything public?’

We couldn’t ourselves do better than another Watcher’s swift retort to little piece of mayoral dissembling so, Dear Readers, we’ll run the anonymous Watcher’s comments in full for your edification:

Read the front page again, fool! As always the Guyton St Gobbels you call the mayor did just enough to give himself an "alibi" by slipping the report onto the council website, without comment, knowing very well that the Chron had well and truly got the message about how Mickey and Mack expect them to treat any not-good-news stories about the regime.

That's in stark contrast to the way he makes other stuff "public" like broken toes, his views on gangs etc etc.

Surely if he really wanted to make it public and didn't want the Chron to feel compromised he could have ordered that it be published in full on Community Link, written to the paper summarising the report and providing a link to the website version.

Better still, he could have turned the whole thing into a lovely glossy brochure and delivered a copy to every household, perhaps with a simple "community survey" attached, ie:

1. Do you think this incident indicates the council is
a. incompetent or
b. corrupt or
c. both of the above

2. In view of your answer to the above who do you think should be sacked:
a. The CEO
b. Claire Cilliers
c. The entire council management
d. The entire remnants of WINC
e. The gas company chair
f. The entire gas company management
g. The mayor & deputy mayor
h. all of the above

And courtesy another of our anonymii:

David Mack's cak-handed and corrupt attempt to suborn the fourth estate and subvert democracy is a perfect metaphor for Vision Wanganui.

IN PASSING

1. We also wondered why the fearlessly independent and unintimidated Chronic ran acres of excitement about the Community Views survey without asking the question that has been on everyone else’s lips: ie How did new-boy survey company Perceptive get hired ahead of National Research Bureau, the firm that has done years worth of surveys for Wanganui and other New Zealand councils; and what are the implications of its survey questions mirroring those of NRB so closely that Perceptive (and Mickey) claims to be able to make valid comparisons between the 1003 and 2007 results.

2. We note the ‘comeback kid’ is back on the Council website with the start of his election campaign, ably supported by has-been Dotty’s very own effort at using ratepayer-funded resources for blatant electioneering. Poor Dr Dave - who’d be in his shoes when he has to explain to Mickey that his arse will be on the line with the Auditor General if such breaches of election rules continue.

The screaming of the lambs

You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs – Hannibal Lecter

But there’s one thing about the media in this country. They don’t report the news any more – they interpret it. They predetermine winner and losers, goodies and baddies, and then bend the facts to fit their prior prejudice. – Michael Laws, Sunday Star Times, June 3

Without a hint of irony, Wanganui’s mayor smacked ‘the media’ in his Sunday newspaper column this week for 'not reporting the news anymore’. What’s more, they ‘predetermine winners and losers … then bend the facts to fit their prior prejudice’.

While Michael Laws was trying to refocus his reading public on his heroic dancing display with “leggy Lauren”, Watchers’ attention was elsewhere. Forget Mickey’s stumbling attempts to keep up with his Dancing with the Stars partner: on the Wanganui political dance floor last week, away from the lights and the beady-eyed judges, he seems again to have been rewarded for a perfectly synchronised media two-step that has kept from the public eye a scandal that would have aroused any self respecting newspaper to paroxysms of SHOCK! HORROR! PROBE! headlines and billboards.

By now well buried in the oxidation ponds of mayoral press releases that clutter the ratepayer funded WDC website, eagle-eyed Watchers followed the tell-tale smell to a little gem of a report titled Council inquiry into allegations of improper influence.

This, it would seem, was a scandal tailor made for Wanganui’s fearless daily. In fact, not only had the Chronic (through its GM) outed the perpetrator of the dodgy dealings to the council, but the Chronic was crying foul and casting itself in the role of victim.

With bated breath Watchers snatched their papers from their letter boxes, poured strong coffees and with trembling fingers opened their morning paper to see how big the type was that was used to break the story of the year about undue pressure being brought to bear on the editorial content of that very same organ by none other than the man whose praises the Michael Laws was singing six months ago for the cheap and nasty rebranding job perpetrated on an unsuspecting Wanganui.

But alas, as Watchers scrunched up the Chronic and used it to light their first fires of winter, they had to conclude that down at Taupo Quay our town’s fearless journos and management had, in their customary manner, decided that the citizens of Wanganui had every right to know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about this scoop that they alone had set up!

Read the report, weep and Go figure, Watchers! It’s election year, after all, and clearly Ms Editor has made the bold decision to ensure nothing gets in the way of Mickey’s spin machine.

PART TWO: Michael Laws and ‘absolute sincerity’

In their weekend social intercourse around Wanganui and elsewhere, Watchers found some of the hoi polloi were a little surprised at reports in the Saturday Chronic and DomPost that Michael Laws “is reconsidering his earlier decision that he would be a one-term mayor only”.

Then Mas attempts to explain the turnaround by assuring us that, not to worry: “Mr Laws said he was being "absolutely sincere" when he said the first time and again the second time that he was not standing "but I've promised people I will take their views seriously and give a decision later this or early next". (Next what? – Ed)

Watchers who know that Michael Laws is no more capable of ‘absolute sincerity’ than Antoinette Beck is of winning Dancing with the Stars noted at the time of the Women’s Daze ‘I’m going to be Mr Mum’ scoop that a little lie (“My family comes first”), easily reversed by another little lie (“I’ve been begged by so many people to stand again”) was a small price to pay for the acres of media exposure that followed.

Just to pad out the Chronic's 'scoop', Mickey tells Mas “the approaches had come from commercial leaders, local iwi and individuals’. (When does Bob Walker count as a commercial leader? When does Rana Waitai count as local iwi? When do Bob Walker’s alter-egos count as individuals? – Ed)

A notably ungracious mayoral wannabe Dot McKinnon tried to put a brave face on the fact she’d been shafted and withdrew her candidacy, saying: "it would be a bit pointless going against Michael" in the October elections. (She obviously doesn’t think she’s got Mickey’s ability to manage the Chronic and keep the lid on the dirt! –Ed)

AND:

Randhir Dahya confided to Mas that "Everyone's encouraging me to stand, and I will do so” thus confirming his determination to ‘do a Chas’ and help deliver Wanganui into Mickey’s hands. (A fitting end to a career distinguished only by extraordinary talent for fence-sitting – Ed)

PART THREE - Perplexing poll problems

We are grateful to a LawsWatch anonymii for tipping us off about the back story to a wee morsel on the agenda for Tuesday’s 10am council meeting.

It is all around town that the Community Issues survey gives the thumbs down to the council and particularly the mayor. He tried to hide it but the CEO would not let him so if we want to be entertained we should get to the council at 10am on Tuesday and enjoy the humiliation. Dr Dave is asserting his authority and making this lame duck mayor suffer. - LawsWatch anonymous

Tucked away at the bottom of a mind-boggling (even for Mickey) piece of spin attributing what he says is a low number of submissions on the annual plan to widespread satisfaction with his regime, we’re told that the results of said community views survey will be presented at Tuesday’s meeting, at 10am, as a warm-up to Vison's yearly orgy of annual plan submitter abuse.

The survey company ,Perceptive, presumably a newcomer to the field, doesn’t list Antoinette Beck in its staff numbers but Mickey must have been hoping that by stepping outside the nationally respected National Research Bureau exercise he could escape its (no doubt invidious) comparisons with other councils around New Zealand.

PART FOUR: Meanwhile, back in Guatemala

Last week we mused on similarities between Michael Laws’ fascist mini-state and that of Dr Ropata’s Guatemala. In view of the Chronic’s failure to run the David Mack revelations, Watchers were interested to learn that media freedom is very much an endangered species in both places, but the difference is that Guatemala has at least one newspaper that isn’t prepared to keep silent:

"We can't keep silent," reads a full-page ad in El Periódico, the most progressive of the three main national newspapers of Guatemala. Fear is still very much around, censorship is alive and well, and the media in Guatemala are still subject to threats and manipulation.