Just click your heels together and say "patsy"

Dorothy Dixer: name given to a simple question asked of a minister by a backbencher from their own party. Often the question has been written by the minister or their staff, rather than by the questioner. Such a question is often referred to as a "Dorothy Dixer" and is used to give the minister a chance to promote themselves or the work that the government is doing in their area, or to criticise the opposition party's policies, or to raise the profile of the backbench member asking the question (named for Dorothy Dix, an advice columnist suspected of often writing the questions she then answered).

Alan "Dorothy" Taylor did sterling work asking the first patsy question of Mickey in today's e-coli e-column. Taylor's status as a paid-up diVisionary and member of the Community Board was not, of course, revealed.

Just as his connections to Vision weren't revealed when the Chron published his letter, headed "Chilling" on May 17, asking precisely the same question about forestry investments. Obviously he wasn't happy with Rob Vinsen's response three days later which asked whether Taylor himself did not in fact know about falling forestry returns. But Dorothy is in the business of asking questions, not answering them. We'd be interested, for instance, in answers to questions such as who provided the loan he admitted had funded his campaign expenses, despite his self-described success as a farmer? How much was it? When is it due for repayment? Will it, in fact, ever be repaid? Or is it being repaid in kind in some way?

Then on May 23 Alan Taylor of Westmere (could they be related? - Ed) and his wife Bronwen pen a lovely letter thanking the organisers of the Mayoral Mile (who could they mean? - Ed), as they have just returned from a very enjoyable weekend in Sydney that they won there.

Obviously, to perpetrate such a transparent deception upon his readers for his own self-aggrandisement isn't in Michael Laws's nature. No, in keeping with tradition, if he merely wanted to make himself look good he'd have done away with truth altogether and simply invented an entirely fictitious person (a la Antoinette Beck and many other correspondents to the Chron who, upon investigation, appear in neither the electoral roll nor the phone book), with which to launch the e-coli upon the brown waters of the Chron's editorial page.

That can only mean one thing: when it became known that his weekly wafflings were to grace that fearlessly independent though somewhat withered organ of Mr Maslin's, the diVisionaries' hands shot skyward and cries of "pick me, pick me!" echoed round the secret "caucus" meeting.

Those readers who've ever had their offspring come home with an excruciatingly badly drawn picture looking like week-old roadkill, lovingly crafted by a somewhat simple child who clearly has about as much aptitude with a crayon as Dotty has with a dictionary, will sympathise with Mickey as he metaphorically pins the diVision children's embarrassing efforts to his very public refrigerator door.

So, dear readers, we'd like to enlist your help. We're making up not one but two lists of questions for Michael Laws to use in future columns.

List One: Questions he can expect to receive in future from adoring members of diVision.
List Two: Questions you've always wanted to ask, but just couldn't be bothered because... well, basically because you knew the answer would just be a plate full of distortion, obfuscation and deception, sprinkled with a dusting of vitriolic abuse.

We've come up with a few from the first list to help you out:

Likely future questions from diVisionaries

Don McGregor: Look here, old chap. Much as I completely admire and respect everything you do, Michael, I really must have a straight answer. This question is simply too crucial to be dealt with by your usual tactics of avoidance, attacking the questioner, randomly abusing the nearest staffer, and so on. In fact it's a question that I am quite certain is on the lips of every resident; a question that they have long wanted an answer on, not just from this administration but for many many years. A question that is critical to the very essence of democracy in Wanganui. And that question is: when the hell is the Mayor going to put me forward for the Queens Birthday honours list?

Muzza Hughes: There's nothing that can't be made better with discount whiteware, just remember that, Michael. I don't really have a question, since you said after that last Councillor Comment I wrote, that if I ever wrote anything again you'd take my pen and shove it... oh, my wife made me rub out that bit. Which is bloody hard. I keep telling her, crayons just smudge, they don't rub out.

Rangi Wills: Michael, I really hope you can help me out here. There's a rumour going round I might be Maori. Surely that isn't true?

Sue Pepperell: Hi Michael. Look, here's a picture of me and Sam in front of Te Papa. Ooo look, that's us going into the Michael Fowler Centre. And this is us outside Parliament. This is the lovely new home we have in Wellington. Here's my new office. And this is Sam's new office in Police HQ. Hopefully I'll see you in a month or so, if I can find time to pop up for the full Council meeting. Thanks for understanding why I can't make it any other time. So anyway, my question is: Why do the people of Wanganui doubt my commitment?

Nicki Higgie: Hello Michael. Ummm... just wondering if you remember me, actually? Small, blond woman? Very quiet? Bit dim? Hello...?

Dot McKinnon: Look, Michael. We had a deal. Sure, I was prepared to let you have your fun. You know I don't give a damn what you do with art galleries and museums and things because as long as the library is open so I can borrow the latest Jackie Collins, I'm quite happy with that and watching "Dancing with the Stars"... oops, sorry, I forgot, I won't mention it again... but anyway, the deal didn't say anything about leaving Wanganui with millions of dollars of debt, with an infrastructure wrecked almost beyond repair. It's not going to do much for my chances of taking over, is it? It's nothing short of an absolute betrayal of me personally and Wanganui as a whole. It's unprincipled, dishonest and dangerous. So my question is... oh wait... just give me a minute and I'll think of one... it was right on the tip of my tongue... oh never mind, just don't forget to tell me what you want me to do this week, and I'll follow it to the letter, as always.

Over to you, Watchers...

Don't forget to scroll down to the next post - the "Mickey for Manukau" poll is still open for votes!!