Beam us up
In his latest Sunday Star column, Michael Laws has confirmed one thing beyond a doubt.
He's a Klingon.
Now to the best of our knowledge, no one amongst the Watchers has ever climbed into a lycra suit and attended a Star Trek convention. But there are a few Watchers who might be found in the science fiction aisle of the local video rental, and who thus know more about Klingon culture than is probably healthy for normally adjusted adults.
But that can be a positive advantage when scrutinising a Mayor who's far from normally adjusted, and thus certain Watchers have formulated the theory that Mickey may in fact eat the odd bowl of Gagh.
In fact it's as good an explanation as any for the bizarre philosophy with which he's been regaling readers of his Sunday Star Times columns of late. According to this guide to Klingon culture:
And indeed it was those on benefits who were Mickey's target this past Sunday, along with taking another shot at parents who have the audacity to ask that their children be protected from the possibility of anaphylactic shock and perhaps death from exposure to foods to which they're allergic.Klingons are pragmatists to the extreme. Good and Evil are not absolutes but means to an end... the strong grow at the expense of the weak... Other races in the universe have their own paths to follow... The third classification is Thar'vule similar to a paid or compensated worker, something of a scavenger or beggar...
Members of this third racial classification are viewed as either to stupid (to know it's place) or to cowardly (to fight for it). Since they may have some desirable skill or talent they would be tolerated (barely), as long as they were useful. They have not the place in the grand design of the universe...
Despite the lack of empirical evidence that a problem exists. When did the last child at a New Zealand school die from an allergy to a peanut? Never....Mickey asks. And so, carefully crafting yet another nonsensical syllogism (hasn't happened, so never gonna happen) he dismisses parents who're concerned for their children as "petty fascists" no less.
No doubt busy saluting the Swastika as you read this are the parents of 13 year old Hamidur Rahman. The Melbourne student died in 2002 after he was dared to eat a spoonful of peanut butter at a school camp, despite his classmates knowing he was allergic. They had the temerity to question why their son was exposed to the potential danger in the first place, when the school knew he was allergic. But then the "right" of the other children to peanut butter sandwiches - as opposed to jam, honey, Marmite, Nutella, cheese or a hundred other choices - obviously outweighs the need to keep kids safe.
Unless they're Maori kids, that is. In that case, he's been subtly implying for weeks, they need to be separated from their parents at birth.
Born to no-hoper mums in often dysfunctional whanau, the kids' lives possess an abject inevitability. They're behavioural problems long before any school entertains them. They're also dumb. And nothing can properly insulate an individual against a lack of intelligence... Their genetic stock virtually guarantees failure... they are destined to shuffle from one misery to the next... Their kids are completely stuffed the moment that they are conceived.Not so long ago, Mickey opined that he and his diVisionites had been born too late. Again, he's right. At the beginning of the last century, colonialists would simply have kidnapped the children of black families and shipped them off for a "better" life. And we all know how well that worked out for the Aboriginals.
Whew. Parents of allergic kids - weak, whinging petty fascists. Check. Maori parents - no-hopers, dysfunctional, disproportionately beneficiaries, highly likely to abuse their children and/or spouse. Check.
Two groups sweepingly dismissed and still several hundred words short of the required limit. Let's see, who's left? Ahhh... let's have a go at the disabled:
And those figures exclude the mentally handicapped. Sorry, I meant to write "disabled". No, even that illustrates my lack of political correctness. "Challenged" is the word. We must be sensitive about such things.Satisifed? Oh of course... they're only doing it to annoy the likes of Mickey. We bet those petty fascist parents of the disabled kids sit round cackling with glee about what an inconvenience those damn wheelchair ramps are to the "normal" kids. Or it could just be that parents who, unlike Michael Laws and the several mothers of his children, haven't been fortunate enough to be delivered of happy, healthy, intelligent children might want the best life they can for them, within reason.
There are those parents who insist that no matter how disabled or dangerous their kid, the local school must provide. Even when it can't.
On the one hand, such advocacy is laudable. On the other, it is what it is. Petty fascism: the foisting of minority demands upon the majority. The contravention of liberty, so that the few might feel satisfied and safe.
Meanwhile, the great oppression continues. The oppression of the normal Kiwi.Welcome to Mickey's world - a society with no room for those who are different, who need more help or assistance than most, who don't measure up to an arbitrary standard - set, of course, by him. And you, you lucky Wanganuites, get to be the first people to inhabit this utopia. You're welcome to it - beam us up.
We suggest readers who are equally appalled at this petty fascism (his, not that of the people he accuses with no sense of irony) let him know - after having first consulted our handy guide to Klingon cursing, of course.
Comments on this post are now closed.
26 comments:
He's right though - no-one in an Enzed school has ever died of eating a peanut but schools will ban them anyhow. On that basis why not ban scissors, goldfish, glue-guns too because someone MIGHT die from ingesting them, and don't even get me started on trees. Someone could climb them, fall out and die. Its that sort of thinking that got the flying fox banned at Mowhanau.
Laws Watch you klutz - you wrote the following.
"But then the "right" of the other children to peanut butter sandwiches - as opposed to jam, honey, Marmite, Nutella, cheese or a hundred other choices - obviously outweighs the need to keep kids safe."
Perhaps not realising that Nutella is banned too because kids are allergic to nuts, not just peanuts!
i am really glad of this page!
could it be sent to the sunday star times?
i know -he has told me-that he loves to stir BUT I ALSO KNOW HE WOULD BE APPALLED IF HIS CHILDREN-AND HE LOVES THEM VERY MUCH-HAPPENED TO BE IN ANY OF THOSE CATAGORIES
may i remin you-michael-that the grandchild of ours who died at 4 days due to a mishap(avoidable)at birth was perfect-you HAVE NEVER GONE THROUGH THIS-thank god-BUT IT SURE AS HELL MAKES YOU A DAMN SIGHT MORE COMPASSIONATE
joan street-and i am proud to sign my name -even if i am a`nutter`
...why not ban scissors, goldfish, glue-guns too because someone MIGHT die from ingesting them...
Excuse us? We don't recall anyone ever having chowed down on a pair of scissors or a glue gun, and whilst people have swallowed goldfish we've never heard of a goldfish allergy (though that could be because of the small sample size) :-D
But we take your point... things other than peanut butter can be dangerous to kids. The thing is, most kids understand the whole "running with scissors" prohibition (to cite one example) but aren't as understanding of a kid who says they're allergic to nuts, probably figuring the worst that can happen is that they come out in spots, or something.
It's a matter of degree. Going without peanut butter only while at school hardly counts as hardship for "normal" (no allergic) kids, who can scoff spoonfulls of the stuff whilst at home.
We'll bow to your superior nut knowledge, anon @ 5.07 pm... though we thought it was possible to be allergic to peanuts but not to hazelnuts? And that allergy to the former was far more common than to the latter? However, you're right. Any risk is too great when it comes to the health of our kids. The non-allergic can scoff the peanut butter and Nutella at home.
Doesn't this latest tirade take Mickey's "philosophy" to a new level? Having pronounced that these children are "also dumb" he surely can't believe there is anything much to be gained from separating them from their families at birth. So if that's not the "solution", what is?
He seems to have no capacity for irony so that rules out taking a leaf from Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal). He now seems to be edging closer to the decidedly humourless Mein Kampf, by another dangerous (albeit democratically elected) little bugger. But even he conveniently neglected to mention his “final solution” for those sectors of society, including the disabled and vulnerable, whom he found inconvenient to have around, except for the purposes of scape-goating and populist rabble-rousing.
You're right, LawsWatch - more than you know. According to The Urban Dictionary "Klingon" has come to mean:
"A piece of dung or excrement clinging to hair around the anus. See also dingleberries, dangleberries, dillberries, clinkers, winnets and wittens, bum tags, chuff-nu.
"Captain! Uranus is surrounded by Klingons!""
if nuts are to be banned from wanganui schools does that mean single-issue nutters too? the mayor has a point on mainstreaming and if you read his column he didn't say all disabled kids. sometimes this blog tries too hard to take offence especially when schools are under-funded to cope with mainstreamed children. the number of special ed kids in wanganui without an attached government edication subsidy is a horror story of its own.
You're absolutely right, anon @ 9.48. Schools generally, and certainly those in Wanganui, are grossly underfunded to cope with disabled students.
But Laws doesn't call for better funding, he decries their parents for wanting them to be mainstreamed.
That's akin to saying that health is underfunded, so why don't all these whining sick people just shut up and die.
Ooops... we've probably just given him his next column.
no, he's not saying (God, i can hardly believe i'm defending the mayor) - this is what he said.
Which has also been the problem with the policy of mainstreaming in our schools. There are those parents who insist that no matter how disabled or dangerous their kid, the local school must provide. Even when it can't.
(sunday star-times; 16 july)
Fun with wikipaedia part one. Mickey's wikipaedia entry contains a string of Laws-approved vanities, as one would expect. Keep him busy by adding inconvenient facts then time how long it takes him to edit them to his liking. The fastest I've seen so far was 3 hours. Fun for all the family :)
Nigelwho Morris is a self confessed massive (excuse the pun)"trekkie". Perhaps he is helping the Mayor with his column inches?
LW did you forget the appointment of Kate Gilpin (if that's how you spell it) as replacement for the spin fairy.
This must be a prize-winner in the "They Must be Joking" category.
Mickey and the mayoress (in her capacity as Horizons councillor) are administering a mayoral relief fund for storm victims.
Now who would take that seriously?
On wikipedia - is everything true that's there? It appears to be and any degradation of this wonderful resource is cultural vandalism. Let's fight our battles where it counts.
Problem with Piles?
Not sitting firmly on your foundations?
Flooding?
Try new! improved!!
Mayoral Relief!!!
"It's a lot easier than an anal probe"
I didn't see you on A game of two halves last night Mickey. Where were you? If your celebrity star falls any further, were going to need the bloody Hubbell telescope to find you.
Anonymous said...
I didn't see you on A game of two halves last night Mickey.
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It always seemed ironic that Mickey Mayor, who just loves to lyingly slag off artists (not to mention beneficiaries at large) as recipients of govt largesse had no qualms about shoving his nose in the trough alongside his fellow porcine failed celebs for this piece of touchdown tv crap. Funded to the tune of close to a million dollars from NZ On Air.
But it seems Prime has had enough too and next week they're putting Rickey Gervais' new show in that slot. His Office role as the preening, universally loathed prat could have been a model for Mickey Mayor's role at the council.
isn't the real commentary that people who loathe the mayor compulsarily watch? Sad.
isn't the real commentary that the mayor who has got absolutely no answer to this critique compulsarily posts this sort of crud in lieu of any sort of explanation or attempted defence? Sad. So sad, Mickey.
E for Effort.
Must try harder.
any degradation of this wonderful resource is cultural vandalism
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yes, which is why Mickey's entry no longer refers to NZ First's campaign for the 1996 election as successful, and no longer describes Vision's by-election results as a "triumph" (26%).
And was Neil Kirton really a "leading dissident"?
Even the Antoinette Beck section is suspect.
"Even the Antoinette Beck section is suspect."
Yes indeed. At the time of the last mayoral elections, it bewildered me that Wanganui's citizens seemed blissfully unaware of Michael's past.
He lied grotesquely, and in the large part, he got away with it. But that's the thing about Michael, a lie is only a lie if he gets caught or can't talk his way out of it. It's very hard to catch him, you have to be quick.
However, despite his Wikipedia claims and euphemisms, the real judgement came from his peers, his political party and the Council, all of whom disowned him. And continue to disown him to this day.
Fancy that ... Mickey Mayor now wants to legislate against Bill of Rights protection extending to what he considers intimidating and anti-social behaviour by certain people dressed in a certain way (and usually of a certain skin colour).
Isn't he the one who ran a Bill of Rights defence in the Broadcasting Standards Authority case by the brethren and he may even have tried it in the code of conduct case here. So what he's saying is talkback host and boy mayor Laws needs legislative protection to abuse and intimidate, and frighten the horses with his lycra running gear, but he expects our police and parliament to deprive others of that protection.
A witty friend noted that Mas's departure was likened by Chron management to Tana Umanga, going "while he's on top of his game".
So does that mean we can look forward to Mas leaping from the press bench at a council meeting sometime soon and whacking Mickey, the cause of his demise, across the ears with Mary Bryan's handbag, do you think?
Hey Anon 10.55
Maybe he just simply wants to ban gang members wearing their patches in public places.
I don't have a problem with that. Would welcome that. Go Mickey!
anonymickey said:
Maybe he just simply wants to ban gang members wearing their patches in public places.
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Well, that's good. That should do a lot to reduce the chances of clashes between rival gangs like those that Mickey used in the first place to embark on this ship of fools. I'm sure the Big Cheese of the Mongrel Mob wouldn't recognise the Big Banana of the Hell's Angels and vice versa, unless they were sporting their respective "patches".
Go Tariana!
Maybe he just simply wants to ban gang members wearing their patches in public places.
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Sure Edith, why not? Perhaps the issues lie in the "just" "simply" part of your well considered argument.
Whereas I would categorise those parts as the "thorny" "expensive litigation" parts.
Perhaps you can afford $200,000 for the High Court.
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