Wheel of Misfortune

As celebrity-weary TV1 viewers suffered yet another Sunday night prime-time romp through la-la land with Godzone’s paltry line-up of has-beens and wannabes, there was some consolation to be had in the rare absence from such a fame fest of Wanganui’s very own Michael Laws.

But then The Great New Zealand Spelling Bee requires contestants like Gary McCormack and Ian Wishart to make tits of themselves for good causes. Any cash they win goes to the charities of their choice. And as a LawsWatch commenter pointed out recently, Mickey Mayor seems happier lining up with Julie Christie and her stable of Touchdown "celebs" to feed from the taxpayer-funded trough on celebrity benefits like Out of the Question.

That show, quietly ushered off Prime’s schedule last week after failing to make a blip on the ratings, required Mickey to put aside his outrage about artists and other recipients of government largesse while he flew to Auckland to join his tired old mates Paul Holmes and Mike Hoskings in a TV benefit funded to the tune of $842,175 from the public purse.

Here at the Cave we got to wondering whether Mickey's pique at being left off the list of yet another "celebrity" show might lead to his organising a Wanganui version. After all, he used to lash various desperate-for-publicity celebs together to take part in debates, with the handy spin-off that it meant one MB Laws got to appear on TV.

Considering the element of competition involved, Mickey would of course ensure that proceedings were supervised by someone completely susceptible to his less-than-benign influence...

Deputy Dotty: “Good evening everyone. You’re watching The Great Wanganui Spelling Bee and I’m Deputy Dot, your quizmistress for tonight. First, a warning that we are boldly going where no show featuring Michael Laws has gone before. Yes folks, there is no "profanity delay" and no dump button so pack your kids off to bed now and give granny another gin.

Now, to introduce our contestants tonight. The Blue team, the Media Mugs, comprises ex-editor John Maslin (Mas) and ex-Spin Fairy Helen Lawrence (SF). Helen was a last-minute substitute for Mayoress Leo (aka The Amazon) who was suddenly unavailable due to not attending a regional council meeting.

The Red team, MayorMichael, comprises none other than MayorMichael (MM) himself and his loyal underling Nicky Higgie (NH). Nicks is another last minute substitute as MayorMichael’s first choice, Sue (The Pep) Pepperell is in Wellington and has been for quite some time. What's that Michael? Oh yes... but she isn't living there. Absolutely not. Her house there is just... property investment... And the first spelling challenge goes to the Media Mugs. Please spell DEMOCRACY.

MM: "Losers, tossers, fascist idiots."

DD: "Thank you MayorMichael. That’s not exactly the correct answer and it’s not exactly your turn, but I’m going to give you 30 points because you’re always right, even when you’re wrong. Now, this time it IS your team’s turn. Please spell REFERENDUM."

NH: (giggles, blushes, but takes a deep breath and really really tries). "Gosh, that’s a hard one … R-E-F-E-R-E-N-D-U-M-B."

MM: "Stupid woman. Born dumb and another typical product of mainstreaming. Get out now, get out of the council, get out of my way." (pushes NH to the floor and she lands with a resounding thud).

DD: "What a good guess, Nicky. I do like that creative touch with the B on the end. No wonder you’re MayorMichael’s No.1 Creative Councillor. I’m going to give MayorMichael 60 points for that answer." Now Media people, it’s your turn again. Please spell PSYCHOPATH."

MM: (glowers at the media team)

Mas: "Uhhhh... we're... not familiar... with that term". (Looks visibly relieved when Mickey stops glowering).

MM: "That's right, you're not."

SF: (madly pushes a buzzer, which makes no sound). "Ohhh! Ohh! I am!! I am!!"

MM: (pushes his buzzer. A faint humming is heard offstage, and Kevin Ross and David Warburton appear and drag the Spin Fairy off).

DD: (speaking over faint offstage thumping noises) "Well done, MayorMichael. You’ve done it again. It’s obvious why you’re the mayor and they’re not. I’m going to give you 90 points for knowing the other team didn't know the answer, even if it was the other team’s turn."

SF: (breaking away and briefly regaining her seat) "But that’s not fair!"

MM: "Whinger, whiner, useless c..." (his last word is fortunately drowned out by Nicky's buzzer)

NH: "Ooooo, I know! N-I-C-K-Y"

DD: "That's actually your nametag, Nicky, but well done for trying. Well, viewers we have our first winner. Thanks to our Mayor’s delightfully forthright and outspoken approach, the big winner tonight is the MayorMichael Inc Vision Election Chest charitable trust."

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