Mickey makes an ass of himself

LawsWatch got it wrong.

We'd always held that the Mayor's lycra-clad pavement-pounding was due to to nothing more than simple vanity - the typical response of an aging roue to the vicissitudes of age. We were wrong.

Clearly, the hours spent negotiating the often cracked footpaths of Wanganui (who needs to walk safely when we'll all soon be able to swim further?!) have but one purpose - the reduction in size of the Mayoral derriere, thus facilitating more effective ass-covering.

After all, when one is as prone to bouts of discursive dysentry as is Michael Laws, then protecting the source of the outbreak becomes critical. Hence the "small target" strategy.

If we may be forgiven for extending the analogy for one more paragraph as Watchers gag over their evening gruel, Mickey has spent the past week digging himself an ever-deeper latrine while at the same time filling it.

First, he attempted to cite everyone from the CIA to... well, himself... to justify his "fat brown slug" comments. Apparently half a day pretending to be a "celebrity" on a TV show makes one an authority on the region in which the show took place. On that basis, winner of the first "Survivor" Richard Hatch ought to be being cited as an expert on Malaysia rather than cited in multiple counts of charity fraud.

When that didn't work, there was the usual spray in the Sunday Star Times in which he accuses Tonga of practising:

"...institutionalised sexism..."
What, like the regular abuse of female staff, to the extent of allegedly calling one a "useless c___"?

"...the cowering of the independent media..."
As opposed, say, to the fiercely independent River City Press and the Chron?

"...and the domination of the cabinet by royal appointees."
Step forward, Sir Nigelwho, Spin Fairly Mk II et al.

No, that wasn't going to wash either. So the latest Mayoral e-coli is classic Lawsian spin, claiming to have "learned a few lessons" while making it plain he's done no such thing. "Some places are so insular, that if you criticise their leader then you insult the whole country", Mickey marvels. Well, duhhh. Remember the time your mentor and role model Rob Muldoon called US President Jimmy Carter a "peanut farmer", Mickey? And all those "insular" Americans - including those opposed to Carter - took umbrage?

It's basic human nature - we rally round our leaders in times of crisis, and while we may delight in insulting them ourselves, woe betide the "outsider" who does so. Which explains why Bush's approval ratings stayed as high as they did for as long as they did and why Joe Lieberman no longer has political career. But so much of people's basic humanity seems to escape Mickey's understanding, for reasons we will leave it to the experts to speculate upon.

The fact that Michael Laws, Mayor-of-someplace-most-people-have-never-heard-of, draws parallels between himself and Pope Benedict might be something else they could take into account.

Mickey's second, implied, defence - that he's merely standing up for his oppressed Tongan brothers and sisters - doesn't stand up to much scrutiny either. Yes, Tongans are generally poor, and the distribution of income shows much greater disparity than amongst New Zealanders. But it's not that different to all Pacific Islanders. We await his attacks on the leaders of the Samoan, Cook Islands, Tokelaun, Fijian and Niuean peoples. Or his efforts to redress these inequities. Guess which road he's most likely to take.

Important as it is, don't let the Tongan tizz distract you (as it's possibly meant to) from the rest of the e-coli. Wanganui Gas - and today's top secret meeting thereon - gets a passing mention. It is, Mickey regally informs us, a "very important meeting and will have a great deal of influence upon the financial future of our district".

Although these machinations are of "of some commercial delicacy", we can presumably rest assured that Dotty and the Dwarves are more than capable of grasping the full long-term fiscal ramifications of whatever secret proposal they're being asked to consider. And that the King of Tonga will make a posthumous visit to Wanganui to promote the benefits of Xenical.

As the gas leaks, we'll be sure and keep you posted.

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