Art for publicity's sake

New arts wing opens at UCOL

Monday, Somtime in the not too distant future

UCOL Chief Executive Paul McElroy was today delighted to announce the formal opening of the Michael Laws Memorial Arts and Culture wing. Formerly a dilapidated cowshed on a nearby dairy farm, the newly renovated "open plan teaching area" - reportedly refurbished at a cost of several thousand dollars (including transportation) through a generous donation from Mr Laws, who went without gas in the Mayoral racer for a week to fund the project - boasts an innovative free-flowing design.

"Since there's not any actual walls," Mr McElroy explained, "lots of things can flow freely through it. Wind of course. And cows. We couldn't actually afford to pay the farmer enough to decommission the shed, but as long as we don't have classes too early in the morning, and students bring along their own brooms... Oh, and other students will pass through on their way to the courses that actually make us a profit... because of course that's what educational institutions exist to do.

"As our PR person - yes, of course we can afford one of those," he snapped at a quizzical-looking reporter, "anyway, as she said, we've had $7 million less income over the last few years through all this cross-subsidisation. By making each course a stand-alone profit centre we're better able to provide facilities for those courses which produce graduates who go on to well-paid jobs, join our alumni association, and get badgered for donations for the rest of their days so we can employ even more PR people," he explained.

Pointing to the gleaming glass tower far on the other side of campus, Mr McElroy cited it as an example of UCOL's new "invest in jobs growth" philosophy, inspired by Mr Laws. "That's the new home of the Business School's Communications Studies, which is devoted almost entirely to training new press secretaries for the Mayor's office. They seem to go through three or four a year. Plus the new Human Services course. There's a grave shortage of really skilled HR people in Wanganui," Mr McElroy explained, "the kind who can recruit people to a dysfunctional organisation and figure out ways of making them stay there despite receiving no recognition at all unless. Unless you count being abused, of course," he chuckled, drawing what looked like a warning frown from the guest of honour.

"Now some of you may have been surprised by the fact that it was Michael Laws who stepped in to provide this wonderful piece of architecture," the CEO went on, "given that he issued a statement which seemed like it was dancing on the grave of our glass course, saying that 'if tertiary providers are going to offer courses then potential students need to be assured that there is a job or career at the end of it'. But by the simple expedient of changing the headline once he realised there was some publicity to be had, the Mayor managed to make it sound like the statement said the exact opposite, so the Chron could dutifully report him as 'looking for a lifeline' rather than looking for a length of rope.

"With form like that we naturally asked Mr Laws to be a guest lecturer in the advanced module of our Business Communications course, but prior commitments to ongoing photo opportunities make that impossible. He needs to be on standby in case Paris Hilton or Victoria Beckham aren't available and the Womans Daze needs a cover photo. However, he's kindly offered the services of his personal pollster, Miss Antoinette Back and we're looking forward to her arrival. In fact I know many people who've been longing to meet her for years."

Duncan Milne, Chair of the UCOL Council, wasn't available for comment. He was believed to be ramming through a motion to rename UCOL "Universally Cherised - Our Lawsy". "Same initials see, so we don't waste money on signage," he was heard to say upon heading into the meeting.

Comments on this post are now closed.