Keeping the horror in scope

Yes Watchers, never mind Wanganui Anniversary Day, get out the bunting, light the blue touchpaper and stand well back, it's Mickey's birthday. We think it only fair he gets one day a year off from the unwavering scrutiny of LawsWatch so we'll instead hand over to our assembled team of experts to mark this great day with suitable gravitas.

First, we are of course anxious that Mickey have an enjoyable day. Alas, not according to the anonymous portents from Horoscope.com:

With the negative aspect against the moon, which is still in your sign, you are likely to feel bouts of dissatisfaction today. You’ll be more inclined to give rather than take!

We were a little confused by this too, Watchers. "Give rather than take?". But horoscopes have to be read in full to be properly comprehended, so when read in conjunction with the preceding sentence we can see it'll be a typical day at Guyton Street - Mickey won't get things all his own way, will be dissatisified, and thus "give, rather than take" a stream of invective aimed at those he considers responsible. Then the mystics offer the Diva a Chinese Proverb:

"After the game, the king and the pawn go in the same box."

That may just be inscrutable oriental wisdom trying to remind the Diva that when he's finished playing politics, both he and the rest of us have to live in what's left of Wanganui. More wisdom of the inscrutable kind later. But what of those who, like Mickey, are actually born on this auspicious day?

The months ahead are likely to start with various and temporary challenges in terms of finances... These minor problems will distract you a little too much, and could cause a dent in your confidence, but some kind of positive achievement at work or school will put you back on track again, and by November the ideas will be flowing thick and fast.

To which we can only respond: Uh oh! Mickey + Ideas = Trouble. Especially when the're inevitably both thick and fast. After that the predictions start rambling about romance, so we'll spare you that mental picture and move on... to the Motivational Quote for the day.

Now we have to admit, Watchers, that months of rigorous analysis of factual data here in the Cave has, if anything, hardened our scepticism. But the mystical electrons have certainly brought forth the most appropriate quotation for our birthday boy. It is, in fact, nothing less then the creed by which he lives:

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being true to anyone else or anything else is... impossible.
- Richard Bach, from Illusions

Spooky, isn't it Watchers?! So for a second opinion we turned to well-known star gazer Susan Miller, of Astrology Zone:

As June begins, you appear to be worried about rising expenses. As of June 3, Mars will begin to strongly energize your second house, ruling your income, spending, and focus on possessions, and will join Saturn, a planet already there. The combination of these two strange bedfellows - the Red Planet urging you to act, and Saturn urging you to stop and think - suggests that you may be hit with a number of bills that absolutely have to be paid but you might not know precisely how to do that. Saturn is notorious about not letting us off the hook, so there appears to be no way around paying the piper.

This is getting too weird, Watchers! But bravely we read on:

June 5 could be the day this all seems to reach critical mass. Uranus, the ruler of your eighth house of credit cards, loans, alimony, and child support, along with other financial obligations, will send an angry glance to the Sun, and as a result, someone in authority will be quite clear about presenting you with the option of paying, or else. For some reason, this seems to come on unexpectedly.

June 5 was around the time the size of the stormwater debt became apparent! Shivers are now running down our spines (Note to Vision councillors: That's a bony thing most other people have running between their skull and their pelvis).

You may feel a bit overwhelmed at the time, but keep reminding yourself that there's an answer to every question - you simply have to find it. Sometimes it's hiding in plain sight, so take a deep breath and think about ways to find the money. Jupiter's position suggests that something you make, write, or otherwise create could help solve this money crunch. That might be a clue that will help you most, although it's not the only one.

Hmmm... the money he needs to fund pork barrelling is in plain sight? Of course! It's the ratepayers.

I am trying to help you brainstorm, for clearly, it appears you are in a tight spot. Your family might be helpful too, as Venus will be in a friendly angle to Uranus, and Venus rules your natural solar fourth house of home and family.

Well with Venus being at a friendly angle to Uranus... yes, alright, we know that's a cheap shot, even for us.

Money - or more accurately, a shortfall of it - will be the main bugaboo of the month. You seem frustrated at your inability to stay one step ahead of rising expenses. Present and prospective employers seem to have been, and will continue to be, tightfisted - the main problem.

Employers? That would be the people who elected you, Mickey, just in case you were wondering. But let's return, as promised, to the predictions of a mystic cabal of ancient oriental sages. Well, the predictions of ChineseAstrology.com actually, but we're sure that they must at least employ a few Asian computer programmers.

It will come as no surprise to regular readers of LawsWatch to learn that Mickey is a rooster. That is to say, he was born in the Year of the Rooster and thus, according to Chinese Astrology at least, exhibits many of the characteristics of that beast:

The Rooster is the strutting peacock of the Chinese Zodiac! These quick thinkers are practical and resourceful, preferring to stick to what is tried and true rather than taking messy, unnecessary risks...

Well they got off to a good start, but the crystal ball (ancient oriental sages don't use crystal balls - Ed) seems to be going cloudy...

Roosters aren't shifty or cagey and have no interest in hiding behind a facade. They are the proverbial open book, telling the truth and keeping their word. If you show your hand, the Rooster will respect you for it. This kind of trusting behavior can tempt tricksters to pull a fast one on the Rooster, but that would be a bad move! Remember, this Sign doesn't indulge in flights of fancy and keeps those eyes wide open at all times...

Yep, the sages must have tuned the crystal ball into the wrong frequency (they don't use crystal balls!! - Ed).

Roosters tend to be perfectionists and expect to be in control, especially over their appearance. Primping and posing for the Rooster can go on forever! Being noticed and admired is an aphrodisiac for Roosters... Roosters also adore being out on the town, especially if they're in the company of adoring friends...

Being admired by adoring friends is an aphrodisiac? That explains the secret diVision caucus meetings, then.

Roosters also expect to be in control of their surroundings, including whoever happens to be in those surroundings...

And so does that! These sages are rapidly regaining our confidence.

This Sign would also do well to learn to adopt the philosophy of "live and let live"; perhaps an appeal to the Rooster's logic - that it's inefficient to waste time nagging others - will help this Sign learn to let others be whomever and however they are.

This isn't, alas for Mickey, the Year of the Rooster. It is, in fact, the Year of the Dog. Aside from bits of rooster occasionally appearing in the canned diet of the dog, these two creatures aren't exactly natural allies. So how will a rooster like Mickey fare for the remainder of this year? We consulted Master Rao (Who?? I hope we're not paying for this nonsense. - Ed).

Second quarter

Your professional situation will be good. You'll be quite satisfied despite some clouds here and there: You'll have original ideas, and you'll be supported and helped by your entourage. Your intuition, which will be remarkable these days, will help you to avoid the banana peels that might be placed on your way. Don't neglect the advice that people will give you during this period, as it'll prove very profitable to you.

Well Mickey is certainly being "supported and helped by his entourage". But he doesn't seem to have quite mastered the whole "not neglecting advice" thing yet. So keep sending LawsWatch those banana peels, Watchers.

Third quarter

Your affairs will look like a real battlefield. You must at the very start put all your pawns in the game with the utmost care if you want to achieve the targeted successes; and then go straight forward, trying to demolish all obstacles on your way. However, remain realistic and don't indulge in unethical acts with a view to taking advantage over your adversaries. If you follow this bit of advice, the star Liem Trinh will not disappoint you. Do not embark on such gigantic and excessive undertakings, as it will be impossible for you to bring them to fruition.

Let's see - treating pawns with the utmost care. That'll mean putting on a few more secret soirees for the diVisionites, so they'll continue to feel they're making a significant contribution by nodding in agreement with everything Mickey says. That whole "unethical acts" prohibition could prove tricky for someone who's demonstrated in the past they're not entirely sure what is unethical.

We've already applied for jobs moonlighting as fortune tellers, since Watchers have been telling Mickey for months not to "embark on excessive undertakings, because they'll be impossible to bring to fruition".

Fourth quarter

So many celestial impacts in the career domain! What should you do? Adapt yourself. The current evolution, even though it presents itself unexpectedly, will prove to be positive in the long run. For most of you, the changes that will take place will rapidly become interesting. For some rare natives born in Metal years, things may seem rather delicate at first; however, even what may seem to be a failure to them will quickly turn out to be positive by being a springboard for them to make a new start.

We're not sure whether Mickey was born in a "metal" year - by this time our eyes were swimming with astrological signs. But we'd certainly join with the sages in hoping the year ends with him making a new start somewhere - anywhere but here, in fact.

Birthday wishes to Mickey are now closed.