One night in Paris

Following the startling announcement by fellow celebrity wannabe Paris Hilton that she is to voluntarily cease exercising the only skill she possesses - and the one which made her famous - for a year, Wanganui's very own celebrity Mayor, Michael Laws, has made a similar pronouncement.

"Paris managed to extend her 15 minutes of fame into a full half hour by the simple expedient of having sex with everyone imagineable," Mayor Michael told a packed press conference today, consisting of two reporters from the Chron, one who fell asleep mid-way through but returned to the office later to publish a barely-edited copy of the Mayor's press statement as his own work, and the other who could barely contain her excitement at being in the same room as someone she'd once seen on TV with Brent Todd.

"But then it got to the point where there were very few men left on the planet who hadn't had sex with Paris. I think the UN Secretary-General missed out... something to do with her getting muddled up and saying she didn't like her coffee black. But other than that, well... let's just say that Winston's recent spell in hospital wasn't unrelated, for one thing.

"The problem was, 'Paris Hilton bonks someone' is no longer a headline, even for the slothful journos at the Sunday Sensationalist," Mayor Michael said, "and they're so desperate for a headline they publish the patahlogical rantings of a rampant eugenicist. Or so I'm told. Not entirely sure who they mean... I really don't know why they even keep Frank Haden on," he muttered.

"Anyway, it's a brilliant bit of marketing. Paris has realised that not having sex with someone is the only way she can rate a headline any more. I intend taking a leaf out of her book," Mayor Michael said, before realising that Paris was extremely unlikely to have ever had a book of any description.

"Having insulted everyone from residents of Raetihi, Christchurch, Whakatane, Wellington and a host of other places large and small, racially vilified everyone from Arabs and Jews to Maori, and abused most of Wanganui personally, including those unfortunate enough to work for Council, I'm going to take a year off," he beamed. "I figure 'Mad Mayor doesn't abuse anyone' should be good for several months more publicity.

"Of course it'll mean my newspaper columns revert to endlessly boasting of my reproductive prowess. After all, how many people can say they've had kids, eh? Now there's a rare and exalted achievement for you. And my radio show... umm... well I'm not entirely sure how we'll get round that. I'm thinking I'll have Dotty as my producer, vetting calls and making sure the only people who are heard are those who agree with me. After all, she did a sterling job of that when she chaired the Code of Conduct complaints.

"That doesn't leave many people, admittedly, which is why I've drawn up this simple roster involving all councillors, Chron reporters, and Council managers, and what times they are to call.

"The TV show... well the ratings for that were worse than those for my radio program, so I think I'll give the TV away for the year, unless there's something which seriously explores the kind of isues that brought me firstly to politics and secondly, home to Wanganui. Like, say 'Dancing with the Stars on Ice while Losing Weight and learning to sing'. I'd be up for that," he announced, scanning the room for any sign of a Touchdown producer with a bag of NZ On Air cash. "Or one of those shows where you eat bugs. Yum, bugs!"

An afternoon restricted to pulling the wings off flies, burning ants with a magnifying glass and pulling faces at small children when their parents' backs were turned soon began to take its toll however, and by tea time the strain was evident as the Mayor gunned his official boy racer special up Guyton Street. Miraculously, he somehow managed to restrain himself from abusing the several elderly pedestrians he knocked down, contenting himself with reversing back over them whilst scowling wordlessly and offering a single digit greeting.

"See that?!" croaked one, believed to be connected with the local bowling club, as he was loaded into the back of an ambulance. "That's why we love Michael. Even after we'd dented his car, he still found the time to remind us that, in his mind, we're number one!"

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