The (ratepayer) hustle

Idle Sunday afternoon musings at the Cave have devised a plausible answer for this whole Splash Centre mess. We realise now that the Diva wanted to demonstrate his fleet footwork to the producers of Dancing with the Stars who, given the shallow celebrity pool in NZ, must now be scanning lists of people who once had a walk-on part in Close to Home.

Fortunately for the Diva he's got people like Nickie Higgie on the judging panel. Forwarded a lucid, reasonable and well-thought-out email from a concerned Watcher, who pleaded with LawsWatch to ask Cr Higgie whether she had any concern at all for the arts in Wanganui, Nickie shot back with "I haven't read anything below, and won't be". Way to answer to constituents Nickie, but pretty much the lickspittle, craven performance we'd warned the Watcher they were likely to get. Then again, perhaps we're being harsh - there were some awfully big words in that email.

And then there's Mr Maslin, whose scorecard - at least when it comes to the Diva's dancing - seems to have only "10" on it. Perhaps he's hoping he won't be a wallflower at the next round of Vision candidate selections and will be asked to dance with the Diva. Just don't expect to lead.

While we at the Cave wait for those who are paid to serve the voters and readers to wake up and smell the chlorine, Watchers have been doing a little probing. However unlike Leisure Suit Larry Mitchell, the bean counter from Puhoi, we won't wrap up the results up in a $44,000 tome illustrated with pictures of the mayor and council and peppered with quotes from the Diva.

The first question we ask is from where did the recommendation in Keith Hindson's report that the council underwrite the entire project come? Especially remembering that it continues to blow out by a daily amount exceeding even Larry Mitchell's consulting fee. It doesn't sound like the sort of thing we've come to expect from Cautious Keith, nor from the level headed Barbara Bullock, chair of the Working Party.

Of course when the mayor gave birth to the genetically challenged Working Party he had co-parenting rights with his buddy Graeme Taylor and was also in throes of infatuation with his other good buddy John Unsworth. GK got to chair the Working Party to get the project up and running, while JU was left to come up with the readies on the Fundraising Committee. Mickey promised he would spread his affections and "talents" between both families. Then-CEO and marriage counsellor Colin Whitlock thought that was a pretty good arrangement.

Then GK walked out on the marriage and the Working Party was put up for adoption. Cr Barbara Bullock found herself loco in parentis while Mickey wooed sports chick Baker-Hogan.

That left the new mother in the midst of a dysfunctional mixed family trying to focus on getting the costings and design messes sorted and mapping out a sensible series of options.

Poppa Unsworth was never home, driving round with his pals Marty Lindsay et al, wooing car dealers for a free RAV to raffle in an attempt to come up with some of the $1.5 million shortfall.

Then somehow at least three of the Unworth gang, known as the street bullies, came to play with the Bullock brood. Could that be why the Hindson-Bullock recommendations morphed into something that sounded like the Fundraising Committee's wish list?

With that sort of cross-pollination it was never going to work the way Colin Whitlock predicted. Poppa Unsworth and Uncle Michael wanted as much dough as they could get (without actually having to work for it) and bugger the ratepayers, while Momma Bullock was charged with protecting the ratepayers by ensuring the thing didn't spin out of control.

Now the neighbours are whispering over the fence that Momma Bullock has been served with divorce papers and Uncle Michael is wondering what to do next.

Where is the family GP, Dr Warburton, in all this, we ask? Perhaps it's time for him to prescribe a dose of fiscal reality and see what he can do to revive the project. Oh, and he might like to focus on diagnosing the seriousness of the increased running costs and figuring out just what the ratepayers can afford during the life of the project.

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