Is that a bylaw in your pocket?

Due to technical difficulties, the latest mayoral e-coli was unable to be published in the usual fora. LawsWatch is happy, in the interests of democracy, to bring you this exclusive:

Greetings loyal subjects, devoted voters and contented employees of Council...

What a week it's been! First, the horrific revelation that none other than Barbara Bullock was mugging old ladies, selling P to school kids and driving her motorcycle through parks and reserves.

Well I didn't exactly see her doing any of those things, but since I've painted her as running fast and loose with gang members simply because she's concerned that a hastily-drawn-up bylaw risks violating everybody's civil rights, I'm sure you can draw your own conclusions as to what she gets up to in her spare time.

Then I was appalled and saddened to find that Horizons has become so "bloated and irrelevant" when I had my back turned. Really, do I have to micro-manage everything? As if my work isn't cut out ensuring there's enough paper clips at the WDC, I keep hearing reports that the regional council is so wasteful that Wanganui's elected representative thereon fails to attend most of its meetings and when she does show up is rarely on time. Any idea who it is, readers? If I ever find the name of this slacker, I'll be having a very stern chat, let me assure you.

I believe some of you have expressed a degree of unease about the solution I propose, though - a unitary authority. Personally, I can't see any problem with an all-powerful local authority reigning over the central North Island. After all, would you deny the citizens of the Manawatu the benefits of my leadership and vision? And with all that Horizons money that's wasted on nonsense like the environment, rivers beaches etc in one big pot, imagine what you'll be offered in our next Referendumb?! Want an outdoor ice skating rink in Moutoa Gardens? A 24 hour buffet restaurant in the shell of the Sarjeant Gallery? An artificial ski slope on Durie Hill? You can have them all, and more besides, under my beneficent rule!! First the Sudetenland... sorry, the Manawatu... then who knows where?!

Talking of the kind of exciting developments planned for my first term, alas the Splash Centre still the stuff of secret meetings. Don't worry though, Council has now assumed "immediate control" of the whole shebang. So now, instead of just me, Marty Lindsay and that notorious bikie chick Barbara Bullock paddling round in it, the project will benefit from the sharp minds of people like Dotty McKinnon, Muzza Who, and that other fellow... you know the one... keep forgetting his name... sits there and nods whenever I look at him, raises his hand whenever I raise mine... dusky looking chappy... anyway, the important thing to remember is that these people hold your financial future in their hands, Wanganui, so you can rest easy at night.

I don't know why there's all this fuss about openness and transparency anyway. For goodness sake, haven't I shown you people my munificence?! I mean I just gave $5,000 to the lawn bowlers... sure they're my rapidly-depleting-through-natural-attrition voter base, but don't think I'm shoring up support, dear readers. Not at all... it was only when they agreed to name the tournament the Mayoral Mixed Open Pairs that my cheque was proffered.

Anyway, who wants to be laying awake at night worrying whether you can afford the inevitable rates rise to pay for all the baubles I offered you? You see, readers, it's purely out of paternal concern for your nocturnal well-being that I've decided to keep our rates discussions secret too.

(Ed: we'd like to provide a link to the relevant Chronicle story, which appeared on 31 March, but conveniently it's not on their website. We thought this one, headed "When carnage strikes" was it, but it's about something else entirely).

We'll be sure and send you a pretty coloured flyer when we've decided precisely how much you're in for, and what we'll be splashing out on (note the pun, readers? It's my little way of hinting at where a fair sized portion is headed).

Meanwhile, don't forget it's radio ratings time, so please ensure you tune in. I've already got the lawn bowls club pretty well locked in with that $5,000 I should think, so it'll only take a handful of you to get me out of the margin of error. Radio is a cut-throat business, which is no doubt why, when our sister station The Rock ran a competition to find "NZ's least attractive man", I'm told I won hands down. I was terribly worried that this somehow meant that all the time I spend on my appearance was for nought, till several people reassured me by pointing out that the competition was for NZ's least attractive man, not least good looking, and that you can still be handsome whilst being very unattractive indeed. So that's a relief.

Oh dear, it looks like I've used just about all the space LawsWatch is prepared to give me, so I don't have room for the usual family news. You'll just have to take my undoubted virility as read till next week.

Michael

P.S. I was nowhere near Winton on Friday night, so there. It wasn't me. Honest.

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