Bend over and cough, please.

A "restructuring" of Council Committees has occurred. While in most places this would be a relatively unexciting event, as with anything in which the Diva is involved, there have been scores settled, obsequiousness rewarded, and opponents sidelined.

Being "restructured" by the Diva is like having colonic irrigation done by the volunteer fire brigade.

And while anyone who sits through these meetings without picking up a meeting fee also probably walks home flagellating themselves with a birch, it's where a lot of decision-making - and deal-making - gets done.

The three councillors who've shown the most opposition to the Diva - Dahaya, Westwood and Bullock - have been all but benched for the remainder of the game, while others with useful talents have been given jobs clearly designed to ensure they don't get in the Diva's way by asking too many awkward questions. Don't want an accountant (with forensic experience) like Barbara Bullock on the Finance and Administration Committee, do we?

Westwood had the temerity to challenge this capricious bestowal of favours. It was unilaterally decided, she said. It was designed to force even greater division, not better teamwork. Well yes, Sue - don't you read any history?

Diva devotee Graham Taylor opined that the reshuffle rewarded “those councillors who have really stepped forward and made a mark in the first six months”. Last time LawsWatch saw anyone make a mark in their first six months it required a nappy bucket and a lot of detergent to fix up, so he could be onto something there.

That certainly would explain the exalted role given Nicky Higgie, whose entire contribution, such as it is, has been a series of barely intelligible gurgles, and a quite breathtaking display of mindless Diva devotion.

Meanwhile, a fellow observer and LawsWatch informant attended that same meeting as has prepared you all the following parable. Are we sitting comfortably? Good, then we'll begin...

There’s an air of mid-winter Christmas in Room 2 at Guyton St Abnormal School this week. SANTACLAWS saddled up Dasher, Donna, Dancer, Prancer and the rest and rewarded the good little children with prime committee jobs while punishing the naughty ones.

Since SANTACLAWS has been away at the North Pole doing radio shows for most of his reign, he asked all the children to send him emails telling him what they’d like to find under the tree. As LITTLE NICKI squealed whilst excitedly tearing open her Community Committee pressie, emailing SANTACLAWS is the modern day equivalent of how councils used to work in her parents’ day, when they sat around the table and discussing things like grown-ups.

In fact, LITTLE NICKI just couldn’t understand why the incredibly grown-up milk monitor CLEVER SUE wasn’t happy with the process. “She’s always going on about process, whatever that is,” thought NICKI.

CLEVER SUE even suggested SANTACLAWS might have been a just a teensy-weensy little bit hasty in giving the biggest and best pressies to the youngest boys and girls because, as everybody knows, they really haven’t got a clue about how anything works.

But SANTACLAWS said some nice things about LITTLE NICKI and the rest and promised CLEVER SUE and her friend BARB, who’s really good at arithmetic, that they could play with the other children whenever they wanted to - even though they couldn’t be boss of any of the clubs. He even said RANDHIR could be boss of the Harbour Club.

The good boys DON MCGREGOR and RANGI WILLS, who have tried really really hard to be nice to the kids in the diVision Club, got nice pressies and even that weird kid RAY STEVENS got a deputy chair pressie though no one has seen him at school for months.

But of course, SANTACLAWS saved the best pressies for the boys and girls in the diVision Club. WEE MARTY, who hasn’t learnt to talk properly yet and still sucks his thumb, got the Heritage committee and SANTACLAWS said lots of incredibly nice things about him. “It’s such a shame Marty isn’t here to hear it,” thought NICKI.

PRETTY SUE was away playing dress-up but she got the $56,000 Youth pressie. “She's now a single-issue non-entity and youth is her single issue,” giggled NICKI to herself.

“That strange boy MUZZA HUGHES has had even less to say than me, so that must be why he got Hearings,” thought Nicki. “And of course BOSSY DOTTY’S been working really, really hard to put on the River Queen end-of-term play, so it’s no wonder she got Economic Development.” SANTACLAWS gave Strategy, the best pressie of all, to his pal ‘GK’ TAYLOR who’s already in the First Fifteen and a prefect.

GK said nice things about NICKI and pretended all the diVision club kids were very clever. But then he got all annoyed when CLEVER SUE said it was a pity that SANTACLAWS hadn’t tried to make all the children feel part of the big school.

NICKI wondered what he meant about how CLEVER SUE was naughty to talk about “factions”. “Perhaps he really means fractions,” thought NICKI. “But then all we have really learned about this term is diVision.”

We'll be establishing a Councillors' Report Card on the site soon, so you can give us your opinions on individual councillors. But meantime, has the Diva made best use of Wanganui's (human) resources?

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