Lights, camera... egos

Well "A Game of Three Losers" (as some Watchers unkindly refer to it) kicked off last night.

As Jane Clifton remarked "There's a popular little business operating in Wellington that takes working folks' suburban pets for daily mass adventures to keep their brains active, their noses wet and their tails wagging. It's called Where Dogs Go to Have Fun. Now we know that Prime's subtitle is, Where Celebrities with Iffy Futures Go to Have Fun. For Paul Holmes, Mike Hosking and Michael Laws are to host the latest Touchdown shock jock show, a current affairs quiz in the manner of Game of Two Halves, on Prime. What a nice little adventure for them, to stop their ears and tails drooping from our neglect."

Over on TV3, many more people than tuned in for the antics of Holmes et al were watching "The 4400", that series about people supposedly abducted from earth and returned years later. Leaving aside the more pressing questions such a scenario would raise - like, just where do aliens go to order 30 gross of anal probes? - it's interesting to speculate on the adjustment one would need to make in such circumstances (and we don't just mean sitting on the haemorrhoid cushion for a few weeks).

What would people returned from outer space after, say, a decade away make of last night's effort on Prime?

Small Bewildered Child: Mummy, isn't that the man we used to sit before the TV and watch in absolute rapt silence every weeknight after Richard and Judy told us all we needed to know about the world?

Mother: Yes dear, I believe it is.

SBC: And that other man. I recognise his voice I think. He used to be on the radio, he'd ask all those really important people like that Mrs Shipley those really hard questions. They said he was rude sometimes, but it was always fun listening.

M: Yes dear, it was.

SBC: And that other man, mummy? Isn't he the one who got into lots of trouble? I remember you used to scold me that if I kept throwing tantrums and telling fibs I'd turn out just like him.

M: My goodness! I do believe you're right! Well I never, they haven't caught him yet.

SBC: But what are they doing mummy? This isn't TV1 or even TV3. And they're talking about the news, but not with anyone important, only with each other. Do you think that's because none of the important people will talk to them any more?

M: I suspect so, dear.

SBC: Or maybe people just got tired of watching them, like when Play School got boring for me when I started to grow up. It's weird though, it's like they don't know their jobs have finished and they're just sitting round talking because they don't want to go home. Kind of like that old lady in that book we had to study when reading and writing was what teachers taught instead of us all having to pass advanced political activism to graduate from primary; that Mrs Haversham. They're all kind of covered in cobwebs waiting for something that isn't going to happen.

M: Indeed not, though you seem wise beyond your years my child. Did the little grey people do anything odd with you? On second thoughts, let's not go there.

SBC: It's like when I go to a friends place and have so much fun and you have to come and get me and take me home. Do you thinking someone's coming to take them away, mummy?

M: I'd say it's almost inevitable, sooner or later, dear. But don't worry, I'm sure there's still Judy and Richard. Some things will never change. Talking of change, change the channel, I'm bored already...

We were, however, thrilled to note that the only participant whose career isn't on a downward trajectory, Mr Mikey Havoc (not to be confused with Mickey's havoc) noted that the Diva's "enemies" refer to him as... well, the Diva.

We feel certain that Mr Havoc will join the Diva in his quest to "promote Wanganui" and, realising as the Diva does that the only way to promote the city is to relentlessy promote its Mayor at every opportunity, will wear the LawsWatch T-shirt we're dispatching him with pride on an upcoming episode.

Especially when he sees, courtesy of the LawsWatch technicians here at Cave Central, just how buffed, cut, and indeed hip he will look upon donning it for the cameras.

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