Once upon a time...

...at a local government conference, the Deputy Mayor of a small and rather insignifcant town - whom we'll call... Dimwitty - and the Mayor of a slightly larger city to the South - whom we'll call... Tom - might have had a conversation that went something like this:

Tom: Grab a pew, Dimwitty. Sorry about the concrete mixer, just don't get any on your frock, eh.

Dimwitty: Thanks Tom. Gee, you sure have a vibrant place down here. The Southland Museum and Art Gallery is spectacular. But I was surprised to see you also have the Anderson Park Art Gallery as well.

T: Heh, yeah, I prefer the Hokonui Moonshine Museum myself, eh, but they tell me even Gore manages to put on a good display at the Eastern Southland Gallery. A few Ralph Hotere works, even.

D: I think I've seen a magazine about him in our boss's office. At least, it had Ralph's first name on it. Wow all that art. But according to our boss, you can only have art at the expense of other things. So no footpaths in your town then, Tom?

T: (looking askance) Geez Dimwitty, it's only morning tea time, eh. Bit early to start on the gin isn't it? Look, if it's these gumboots I wear with the Mayoral chain that's confusing you, I keep saying, it's only in case I find a patch of wet cement to play in.

D: Well, inadequate swimming pools then, surely? I mean with all that money wasted on art...?

T: I hate to keep bringing Gore into it, Dimwitty, but even they have a top class swimming pool and if you prefer your water a little cooler, an ice rink. As for us, we have Splash Palace, which has an Olympic sized swimming pool, swirl pool, steam room and café, as well as a children’s wave pool and hydro slide, eh. Anyway, what dimw... sorry, what nincompoop told you that lots of public money gets wasted on art? Most collections are donated, you know. Often the gallery buildings themselves are. All that Councils have to do is look after it, eh.

D: But... you're not saying you can run a city with a Council and its community in harmony? Our boss tells us divide and rule is the only way to get things done. That way you have a small vocal minority who cheer your every move because they're contrarian by nature, a small vocal minority who oppose your every move because they're fed up with your attitude, and a majority who just keep out of it and vote for whatever looks like being in the best interest of their chequebook.

T: Well I don't know where you're from Dimwitty, but down here the Civic Theatre has just been completely refurbished with community money. By working with your ratepayers, you can actually achieve quite a lot. I mean we've got an excellent Youth Council which helps ensure that even our youngest residents get a say...

D: Oh, we're working on one of those too. They seem awfully complicated though. Like those art gallery boards and other things. It's funny, our boss makes all these ill-considered remarks, often promising to fund things personally, then everyone gets all upset when nothing happens and no money actually gets handed over. Then he steps back in and sets one group working against the other, and still people aren't happy. But they don't seem to understand, he's only ever got anywhere by working against other people. "A victory isn't worth having unless it's at someone else's expense" - that's the little slogan we all say in unison at the end of our secret meetings.

T: You have secret meetings? Do you think it's really a good idea to decide things in secret and then show up to meetings and just railroad stuff through? We're elected to these positions, after all. Your boss sounds like a bit of a Diva to me.

D: Hmmph! Well my boss says you're a buffoon who ran for mayor because you needed the money, so what would you know? And he says you abandoned your city to throw your lot in with that Winston bloke. And lost! So there.

T: Did he also mention that he abandoned the party under whose banner he got elected to throw his lot in with that Winston bloke? And didn't even get to lose because he had to resign almost as soon as he arrived?

D: Errr... well when we ask about that - or about anything, really - he gives us this kind of look... yes, just like that one you're giving me now, you've captured it perfectly! That mixture of incredulity and mounting disgust.

T: I think it's time to go, Dimwitty. But tell your boss if he's ever down this way, we'd be honoured to receive an official visit. We normally give all our visitors a parting gift, and we've already picked his: a pair of comfy shoes, made right here in Invercargill. In fact, I made them myself!

D: I didn't know you were into arts and crafts, Tom? I thought you only worked in cement?

T: Exactly, Dimwitty. Exactly...

Update (4.14pm): A visit to the newly launched Statisphere site brought forth this interesting graph. A larger proportion of Southlanders visit art galleries and museums than do those in Wanganui/Manawatu. Southland is, in fact, second only to Wellington in terms of residents' interest in art and culture it seems (reasons for not visiting are here, but not broken out into regions, alas. And of course the choices were limited to the options given). Multivariate analysis reveals:

...education was the main variable in whether or not people visited museums or galleries. People who held either tertiary or secondary qualifications were more likely than those who did not to have visited a museum or gallery (53 percent compared with 34 percent). The level of qualification held was also important. A greater proportion of people with tertiary qualifications had visited a museum or gallery than people who held a secondary qualification (56 percent compared with 47 percent). For people who held a tertiary qualification, sex was the next most important variable, with more females than males having visited a museum or gallery (61 percent compared with 52 percent).

So it seems we can conclude people who don't like art are rather stupid blokes ;-D

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