Prime candidate?

A late entry in our "pick the new CEO" contest, worth repeating we think (with a little help from our art department):

Hi Mikey, me old Mate,

Even for an old l-o-s-e-r (I see from that blog thing that's your preferred term of address nowadays) like me, it’s great to think you and the good folks of WangaVegas still want and need me. Once we’ve got these couple of piddly little negotiating points out of the way, WangaVegas will be getting none other that the Late, Great Paul Holmes as its CEO, eh Michael? We may no longer be in our Prime, but there’s still plenty of gratuitious recreational trouble in the old firm yet, eh Matey?

Oh, what a team we’ll make Michael, and how I’ll use my high media profile to help you put Wanganui on the map. Here are some ideas I’ve had while I’ve been roaming the deserted badlands of Albany the last few weeks:

PRIME TIME TV SHOW: Let’s call it These were our people today, those are your mugs everyday. A new reality tv series broadcast from my new downtown office in which we pick various citizens and staff at random and abuse them. You can txt your abuse from your downtown office, which will of course be right next door to my downtown office.

MY SALARY: Because I know WangaVegas is on the bones of its bum and you need a cool few million for the Michael Laws Memorial Splash Centre, I’ll settle for exactly twice what Judy Bailey gets and immediately donate half it to you, Michael, since I hear you’ve already given every penny of the mayor’s stipend towards your fabulous downtown office.

RACE RELATIONS: I’m the obvious bloke to sort out that cheeky darkie Ken Mair and I’ll put the H (for Holmsey) straight up him. They don’t like it up ‘em, Michael, as Graham Adams would have told you as his Mayor's Massed Vigilantes paraded for you.

ECONOMY BOOSTER: We’ll turn that old white building on the Queen’s Park hill into a giant celebrity rehab farm and get our old Mate Marc Ellis to open it. We can offer Julie Christie a discount rate and before you know it the place’ll will be swarming with celebrities and superstars. We’ll turn Balgownie into Trash Island and build a giant film set. Soon, Matey, they’ll be beating a path to your door. We’ll be able to film your Sky rugbyhead show there and you won’t even have to leave town to do those Trash Island celebrity shows.

FOREIGN AFFAIRS: I will of course also hold the new title of Secretary of Foreign Affairs in what will henceforth be known as President Laws’ Cabinet. My fleet of aircraft will be hangared at the new Paul Holmes International Airport across the river and will be available for hire to Wanganui’s First Citizen. Oh Michael, we’ll soar across the skies, the wind rushing through our LawsWatch daks, making cruel fun of the pathetic little settlements beneath us. I’ll stage spectacular crash landings in places like Raetihi, Dannevike and Murupara and we’ll walk away from the wreckage bellowing gratuitous recreational insults about their gene pools.

I really enjoyed meeting your people that night at the secret caucus but it was a touch and go when the security guard caught me sneaking out of my bi-plane round the back disguised as your Amazonian-fresh-from-the-Gold Coast.

Not to worry, eh Michael. We’ll show em! WangaVegas, this is your Holmsey, today.






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